Sunday, 28 April 2013

Couples Therapy

I love my husband.  He is the person that I look for when i have news - good or bad.  He is the arms I want to cry in.  He is the chest I want to curl up against.  He is my pillow.  He is my security blanket.  He is my source of strength.   He is my everything.

He loves me.  He laughs at my jokes.  He pulls me into his arms.  He showers me in kisses.  He nibbles on my ears.  He calls me his little lunatic - which to me is the most wonderfully romantic thing he can say, and it is all in the way he says it.

Still... I have to face up to the fact that it is time for us to talk to someone else.

When I first met my husband he was in therapy.  He had been in therapy for over a decade.  He had a difficult childhood and spent most of his adult life processing those facts.  He is not good at expressing himself.  He is learning to communicate.

Before me he was alone, mostly by choice although he made that choice unconsciously.  He tried to push me away for many years before he finally succumbed to my charms.  In the year that we have been married he has gone off antidepressants, he has stopped seeing his therapist, he has made huge progress that he is proud of.

But lately I've been seeing the signs that make me think we need to bring in some big guns.  I suspect the infertility is at the heart of it.  He wants to make me happy and doesn't know how to give me the baby we want.  He took a week vacation.  A week later he called in sick.  This week he called in sick again.  He is starting to get blue, and I need to find him the help he needs before it gets worse.

We are both struggling with the negative HPT's every cycle, the fear that we will never get there.  He is having trouble watching me deal with my father's illness.  He hates hospitals and it stresses him out to visit.  I don't know how to get him to talk to me about what he's feeling, maybe because he his trying to be strong for me.  But we definitely need some help so we can keep being strong for each other.

I feel like it is admitting failure in our beautiful love story that we can't navigate all of the paths alone, we aren't fighting really, but I don't want to start.  In my clear mind I know this is prophylactic, preventative so that we can learn to talk to each other.  But I will always wish it wasn't necessary. 

1 comment:

  1. Infertility has a funny way of unmasking our inner demons, and the shortcomings in our relationships. I sincerely hope that talking to someone else helps you learn to talk to each other... hubby and I are working on the same issues (mostly because I had the difficult upbringing though). Hugs...