Friday, 31 May 2013

Ford Nation to the Rescue!

We have a fetus to greet us!

As of today young Shmily is no longer an embryo... he... she... it.... is officially a fetus... at least he is according to several on-line baby books.  I am very impatiently counting down the days until tuesday when we get our first glimpse and first reassurance that the baby is ok.  It is a good thing I have a years worth of 2-week waits behind me to teach me how to be a little bit patient. 

The one really brilliant thing that has helped has been the distraction created by the mayor of Toronto Rob Ford.  We don't actually live in Toronto... we are suburbanites... but the distraction and constant breaking of new news on this story is brilliant.  Mayor apparently filmed smoking crack, denies it... his whole staff quits... tries to have documents shredded... may have sent someone to get the film... shooting in the apartment where film is reportedly stored...Brother was a major hash dealer in the 90's... Crazy.  Assed.  Shit.  I have watched soap operas with less involved plots.  There are many who think it is a reality version of The Wire. 

I can't help myself but I am hooked... the man is such a buffoon... refusing to answer questions... refusing to make such clear statements as "i have never done crack".  He is making it perpetually worse on himself.  I have to refresh the news every 20 minutes to make sure I don't miss something. 

I never thought I would be grateful for Rob Ford... but he is certainly filling in the time between now and my ultrasound.  Now, don't judge me too harshly... I avert my eyes at actual train wrecks... i do have sympathy for those in a tough position... but Rob Ford... I just can't.  All he has to do is play nice with the media and this sideshow would go away...

Thursday, 30 May 2013

Making his/her presence felt

Tomorrow marks the end of my 7th (or is it 8th - seems to depend on the book you look at) week of pregnancy.  Woo hoo.  Tomorrow I will be exactly 20% of the way through carrying this baby. 

So far... so good.  I have been feeling some vague morning queasiness, but nothing I would describe as awful.  I have had about the worst heart burn... in fact heart burn is a misnomer since it seems to start somewhere around my toes and continue until about mid-forhead.  I told my husband I wasn't sure this baby was mine because it doesn't seem to like spicy food.  Today I am subsisting on yoghurt, tums and soda crackers to see if I can get some of the burn under control. I have also taken to eating vast quantities of fiber to keep things moving.

Is this the extent of my pregnancy symptoms?  The day by day pregnancy book that I check as soon as I wake up in the morning says that symptoms sort of reach their worst as you finish the 7th (or is it 8th) week of pregnancy. 

All I know is that every day is a milestone.  One extra day that Shmily has to tell me that s/he is doing ok, still growing and not leaving.  Every day I become more convinced that this baby is sticky.  So far s/he's stuck good.  Every morning as I wake up to pee (for about the 3rd time that night) I whisper to the baby inside me "7 weeks 6 days down... you're doing good Shmily.  Please stay safe, please stay healthy.  Please stay inside".

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Signed, Sealed, Delivered... I'm yours!

So, it is official.  I am currently employed for another year.  I felt I had to tell my boss of my "situation" before i could hand over my job offer to him.  I had to tell him that currently, my expectation was that I would be taking maternity leave in January of 2014.

His reply "congratulations.  You are going to be a wonderful mother."

I knew I could trust him with this information.  He didn't have any problems with me signing the contract.  He was just happy for me.

These are among the reasons I love my boss.  He is fabulous!

I wish everyone could have a boss as wonderful as he is and I hope he never leaves.  I hope he stays until I retire.  He's amazing.

So, after I revealed my news he urged me to sign my contract and hand it over.  Signed. Sealed and Delivered I get to continue in my current position until the arrival of Shmily.

Um.... yeah... Shmily is the nickname we've given to that unbridled lump of joy that is currently transforming itself into a baby in my uterus.  It is an acronym that stands for "See How Much I Love You".  Sappy right?  But I love my husband and he loves me and together we made Shmily.  Yay. 

Monday, 27 May 2013

In the weeds

My husband, it seems, is determined not to be one of those men who coddle the women in their life who are pregnant.  He has watched his one brother not allow his wife to do even a dish and I don't think he was impressed with the additional extra work that is created for the husband if this should occur.

Long before I found out we were pregnant we had started a somewhat drawn-out process of building a vegetable bed.  The sunniest part of our yard, and best place for growing vegetables is slopping and subject to intense weeds.  The only option was to build a box, level the dirt, roto-till the soil, cover it in weed barrier and eventually plant.  My husband was determined this was not going to be a one-man job. 

the day we bought the wood I dutifully loaded half the wood into my car, drove it home and unloaded the wood from my car... my husband took care of the other half.  The next morning I peed on a stick... i was pregnant.  But, my husband wanted me to continue with the moving of the wood, the digging of the dirt so we could sink the wood beams, the roto-tilling, the weeding etc... I happily complied until saturday afternoon.  I went to the bathroom and there was the teeniest, tiniest amount of brownish discharge.  (sorry too gross?)

The fear that it struck in my heart was immediate, I was certain it was going to be the start of a miscarriage.  I spent the next 24 hours grabbing my own boobs to see if they are becoming any less painful (oddly, the more I manhandle them the more painful they seem to get), and obsessively looking for more signs or symptoms every time i went to the washroom.  My husband was equally terrified.  I was ordered to bed for the rest of the weekend (ok... i complied with that order really fast I am exhausted). 

Fortunately there hasn't been anything else going on and today I had some nausea (although still no vomiting).  My symptoms have been mild to date to say the least.  When I finally have this baby safely in my arms I will be so very happy and grateful for the mildest of pregnancy symptoms I have experience but right now I would be so much more comforted by some compulsion to pray at the porcelain basin and something, anything that makes me feel horribly, awfully, uncomfortably, undeniably pregnant.

They finally called late Friday afternoon with the date of my viability ultrasound...  June 4th.  Another 8 days from now.  I am so anxious i have no idea how I am going to be able to wait.  This can't be good for the baby.  They should sneak me in early on compassionate grounds.

Friday, 24 May 2013

Job offers and tight pants.

It is cold here today... a chilly 4 C outside, but rather than sensibly wearing pants that covered my legs I am in a sun dress and jacket because my pants were just not comfortable wearing them today.  I am choosing to believe that this is because my belly is starting to bloat (and not because I ate too much fast food on our drive to New York last weekend).  It has taken me by surprise how quickly this happened.  Suddenly buying maternity clothes last weekend doesn't seem like quite as early as it did.  I am surprised at how quickly this has come up.  I mean I can still fit in them... but not comfortably. And it was so flustered because we were running late that I just tore off the pants and grabbed the first dress that I saw. I am starting week 8 today. 

In other news my current contract is due to expire at the end of July.  My boss had mentioned to me that he wanted to extend it for a year... the man has his shit together because I got handed a new contract this week.  The good news is that he likes me enough to keep me around... the bad news is that I feel compelled to tell him about my pregnancy before i sign the new contract.  I know that legally I am not required to tell him, and believe me if the man was any sort of bad boss i wouldn't tell him, but i do feel compelled to let him know because he has been so kind and respectful of me and so helpful and wonderful to work for.  I in no way expect this to affect the terms of the contract. 

I think it is way, way, way too early to share this sort of thing with your boss... that's the only problem.  There still like a 10% chance that this pregnancy will not make it to happy healthy baby.  And as much as I like my boss I don't know if I want to discuss all of the details.  However, i am supposed to sign my contract by Monday.  So I don't really know what else to do. 

Any advice?

Thursday, 23 May 2013

1st Prenatal

When my GP finally walked into her office yesterday she was an hour late.  She sat hurriedly at the computer. "I am so sorry.  I am running so late.  Give me a minute, let me get up your file... and here it is... and... OMG!  I didn't know that's what you where here for.  That's fucking amazing".

Yup.  My doctor actually said that to me.  

I had my first prenatal appointment.  They did the usual, height, weight, and ordered some labs for blood work and urine and of course to get the magic hcg numbers.  The numbers that will let me know that the baby is going to be ok.  I am also going to be going for a dating and viability ultrasound sometime next week.

I am excited and terrified.

I am so excited to hear my baby's teeny, tiny heart beating away, and to see him or her for the first time, all contorted and tadpole like this early in the pregnancy.  Terrified about the viability part.  Terrified they won't find that teeny tiny heart.  They are doing this of course because of my history.  Because of the last pregnancy that ended so early.

My doctor is actually also my mother's doctor, and my sister's, and my sister-in-law's, and my nephew's... what can I say... if you find a doctor that is so excited for you that she swears at you you share her with family.  But this means she has to be sworn to secrecy because we aren't ready to tell family.  My mother has enough on her plate worrying about my father that she doesn't need to hear news that won't be forever good.  We can wait to tell her for a few more weeks.

My doctor however did almost let the cat out of the bag already.  Because I am negative for titers to measles, mumps and rubella I have concerns about my in-laws who don't vaccinate as well as a trip to Europe we have planned for this summer where these diseases are having an outbreak.  My doctor decided to seek advice from the head of infectious diseases at the hospital.  She started the e-mail by saying "my patient" and she used my name.  "That's my mom's boss!" I quickly pointed out to her.  "You can't let my mom's boss know I'm pregnant before I tell her!!"

Yes, not only do I go to the same doctor as my mother, but the doctor is at the hospital where my mother has worked for 25 years and the head of infectious diseases for the hospital is my mother's boss.  It is so hard to keep a secret in a town the size of 3 million people isn't it?

The good news is that the advice is to be more afraid of car accidents.  The infectious disease doctor says I likely have some functional immunity even if I don't have titers being raised against the diseases and so I should feel comfortable to enjoy our weeks in Europe. 

Wednesday, 22 May 2013

New York, New York

Monday was a holiday in Canada and my husband and I took advantage by leaving Canada as quickly as we possibly could.  We made it a 4 day weekend and we made a run for the border early Friday.

One of the biggest problems with traveling to the states is the high cost of an international data plan, leaving my internet addicted husband twitching in pain.  We thought we had solved this problem last year when we went to the states by getting my husbands phone unlocked and purchasing him an american SIM card.  However, we discovered that after 3 months of non-use his card was canceled.  This meant that as we crossed the border in buffalo we had no GPS, no WAZE software and no way to guide us to our destination.

As a result our little road trip ended up being much longer and more scenic than we had hoped for.  But, eventually we managed to find our shopping mecca - the outlet stores.  I made a few purchases from motherhood maternity... and I am hoping I am not jinxing anything.  Unfortunately this pregnancy has already managed to change my breasts a cup size... and has also put me out the size range of bras available at the maternity stores... so I have no idea what I am going to do in 8 months time.  I did manage to find a larger bra at a plus sized store... but I am going to be in a bind in a few months.  I also bought 3 pairs of pants, 4 maternity shirts and a dress.  I feel strange buying things so early but the sales clerk said she had already had a woman in there who was due February 7th... I mean she wouldn't even have missed her period yet would she?? 

We stayed overnight in Binghamton New York.  It seemed like a good stopping place and using the WiFi at a McDonalds enroute my husband found a hotel with good reviews.  When we got there we discovered that it was graduation weekend at the local community college and the only room left was going to cost us $200.  By this time we were exhausted and forked over the money.  The bed was awful and neither of us slept well.

Saturday morning we hurried on towards Piscataway New Jersey where our friends live.  Mission number 1 for my husband on arriving there was to buy a new SIM card.  He truly is addicted.  Our friends, 1 a graduate student at Rutgers university and his 4.5 month pregnant wife (who can't work in the states because she has no visa), had no spare beds so we spent two very uncomfortable nights sleeping our couches. We visited New York finally on Sunday, but it poured rain all weekend and was miserable for doing much more than touring Madam Toussauds (My husband loved it - weird guy). 

We are keeping very hush hush on this pregnancy because we are so afraid of miscarriage again.  As a result I spent the whole weekend pretending not to be pregnant but using the pregnancy of our host as cover for needing an early nights sleep "Oh, we don't want to keep you up, you must be exhausted.  Pregnancy makes you really tired I hear."  Hopefully they don't know.

All in all a very successful little vacation.  I feel much more comfortable in my new bras...although I am noticing tops are getting a little tight and I am wondering if i have enough lose fitting tops to get me through the first trimester. 

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Welcome ICLW

Hello to all ICLW'ers.

I have a confession to make.  I some how managed to get pregnant.  Forgive me.

We were waiting for our next appointment and first treatment with our RE when all of a sudden the bunny died.

I assure you, it was completely unexpected.

Apparently it happened in a week while my father was hospitalized and I was over my head in worry.  It happened in a cycle where I didn't see any sign I was ovulating.  It happened in a cycle where we were desperately trying to cram sex in between hospital visits.  It happened in a cycle when we least expected it.  Although for the record it did not happen when we just relaxed.

I did not know I would be pregnant when i signed up for ICLW this time, so I hope you will forgive me. 

My background is that my husband and I have been trying for 13 months.  We had a miscarriage in September of last year.  We had seen an RE.  We thought this would never happen.  As a patient with Cushing's who has had 1 of her adrenal glands removed I was supposed to be infertile.  Completely.  We weren't even sure if we would be able to get pregnant with IVF.  There as so few cases of Cushing's women getting pregnant they quite often still make the medical journals. 

And then suddenly it happened by accident. 

What remains to be seen is if it will stick.

I look forward to reading everyone's blogs this month.  But I understand completely that this might make my blog difficult for some of you to read.  So... my blog has moved from trying to conceive to  hoping to stay pregnant. 

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Jumping up on my soapbox

I want to start this post standing on my soap box.

Vaccines rule.

If you don't have one go out and get one. It saves lives.  Period.  Andrew Wakefield is a big fat liar who has made a lot of money selling fear to parents.  He was stripped of his medical license for being a fraud.  He has been discredited by scientists everywhere.  Millions of dollars that could have been spent investigating the causes of autism have been spent trying to replicate his lies, trying to prove and disprove his lies.  In the meantime lots of children have died.

this web page is a bit chilling.  It outlines the number of illnesses that could have been prevented by vaccines as well as the number of lives saved.

If you are an "objector" then I suggest that you watch this.  It is an hour long lecture which is aimed at breaking down the rhetoric used by the anti-vaccine movement.  Or read this article which outlines the unraveling of the web of lies.

All of that said I think that the anti-vaccine movement is a bit like a religion.  You will never be able to talk someone out of their religious beliefs.  They will not convert from Judaism to Later Day Saints or Protestant to Baptist based on a 2 minute tirade  from a crazy woman writing a blog.  So i recognize that if anyone who reads this is part of the anti-vaccine movement all I've done is piss you off... sorry.

That said I am very passionate about the anti-vaccine movement for a number of reasons:

1) The science was bad.  Andrew Wakefield made money.  Babies died.  That simple.

2) Because of my medical condition I seem to be practically completely unable to maintain an immunity for a long period of time to any vaccine.  I have had my measles, mumps and rubella a couple of times, i have head the hepB shot 7 times (i worked with human blood and it is a requirement).  No immunity.  I've actually HAD chicken pox.  No immunity.  As a result I rely on the herd immunity to keep me, and suddenly my precious little package, safe.  Measles, mumps and rubella cause miscarriages and birth defects in unborn babies.  A baby who is breast fed continues to receive maternal antibodies for months after birth until they develop their own immune system.  This is something I will not be able to do.

My in-laws are among the group of conscientious objectors who do not have their children vaccinated.  As a result my husband and I have decided that until our baby is born I will not visit them.  For the first few months, until we tell them this is going to be so awkward... but after they know why I am hoping they will understand. 

Unfortunately there seems to be a shit storm of outbreaks brewing and while I can easily (if not pleasantly) avoid my in-laws I can not avoid everyone else.  I have just heard that there is an outbreak in an ultra orthodox Jewish community  in Brooklyn New York and a single cases in Williamsburg.

Ok - so it amounts to 22 cases in a city of several million, but measles spreads, easily.  And so I feel a bit of reluctance to travel there this weekend.  The case spread from a single family who traveled to the UK recently, where there are over 1200 cases reported just in Wales.  Many people in the UK are scrambling now to get vaccinated.

The fact is:  it is safer to be an unvaccinated person in a well-vaccinated community than a vaccinated person in an unvaccinated community.  There is always the incentive for people to wait for everyone else to be vaccinated rather than to take the precautions themselves.But, remember: the safest is to be a vaccinated person in a well-vaccinated community.  This is how we eradicate the diseases like polio and small pox.  And hopefully we can eradicate scourges like Andrew Wakefield too.

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

The dilemma

This weekend is a long weekend in Canada (hurah!!!!).  And, despite the currently crappy, chilly temperatures will mark our unofficial launch of summer and cottages and drinking beer by the pool.  My husband and I have elected to visit some friends who live just outside of NY while he attends Rutgers University for his PhD. 

They are currently 6 months pregnant with their first child and we figure we are quickly going to lose our free place to crash just outside of NY in about 3 months time... so we had better take advantage.

It is a long drive for a long weekend.  Over 8 hours each way.  Once you figure in pee breaks every 2 hours or so it is going to take us quite a while to get there.  Originally we had decided that we would use the long weekend to do some cross border shopping.  I love a good bargain. 

Suddenly, however, I face a dilema.  What kind of clothes do I buy?  I feel like it is way too early, too much of a jinx to buy maternity clothes.  I will just be starting my 7th week... that said I've read that many women feel the need to change into nursing bras by about week 8.  And within a few weeks my pants will start to get tight.  I might be able to get away with my current wardrobe and dresses for a while... but will we end up making another cross border trip??

I am a big girl due to the cushing's and I feel that my selection of plus sized maternity wear are better in the states.  I have enough trouble finding bra's here as it is.  I can't imagine if I have to track down cup sized H, I or J (gulp!).

So, do I invest the money now... and worry about jinxing my pregnancy so early, or do I buy nothing and plan another trip in a months time?  It is quite a dilemma..although one I am very blessed to have right now.

Monday, 13 May 2013

Step away from the thermometer

After making checking my temperature a default activity over the last 8 months I have discovered that this is a habit I now have to break.  I sent myself into a tailspin of panic last week because my temperature was 36.8, then, 36.7 then 36.6 I was panicked... I was certain I was going to lose the pregnancy.

I asked The Google.  Google gave me a good piece of advice (I hope).  Step away from the thermometer.  There will be fluctuations in temperature at this point.  That a temperature change is not the sign of a miscarriage unless it is a much bigger temperature drop.  I haven't had any severe cramping, just little cramps.  And unlike last time there has been no spotting or bleeding of any kind.

I am trying to remain calm, to not panic, to not give my poor baby any more stress hormones than I already have coursing through my body.  I keep wanting more pregnancy symptoms.  I am definitely (TMI ahead) constipated.  And I have to carry tums in my purse already.  But where is the nausea??!! Where is the morning sickness??!! I want to have every classic pregnancy symptom in the book so that I know my hcg is rising.   My husband laughs at me, he thinks I should be thanking my lucky stars. 

Thursday, 9 May 2013

On my mind much?

I'm not sleeping at night now.  Either the minute creature inside of me is some sort of insomniac in training or I am worried.  I woke up at 2 this morning and lay there for a few minutes, savoring the fact that I'm pregnant.  I feel like my mind doesn't want to sleep because I don't want to miss a single second of this experience. 

When I did sleep last night I had the funniest dream.  I dreamt that someone had put an editorial cartoon into an infection control magazine.  The picture was of two scientists sitting at a desk with a complicated formula.  The formula had many brackets and unknown variables and my name was there as one of the variables.  The purpose of the magazine was to point out that my temperature was elevated and I represented a likely infection risk to the city. 
The formula looked like this... but my name was in the middle

In my dream it was my mother who showed me the comic and she shook her head talking to me saying "I can't believe they don't realize you are pregnant."

My reaction in my dream was to stare at my mother in stunned silence, unable to shake my head, or deny or anything.  I remember thinking in my dream "How can I surprise you if you figure this out on your own?"

Obviously this is because I have in my head a way I want to tell my family.  My father's birthday is very close to father's day and I will be about 10 1/2 weeks at that time.  I am hoping that I can give my father one of those grandfather memory books and tell them we are going to need it back in January. 

Wednesday, 8 May 2013


I can't relax.  I've been here before.  I've progressed this far into my pregnancy only to have it end. 

There are so many reasons this was not supposed to happen, and so many reasons to expect that it won't last.

1) I have Cushing's disease, which causes infertility.  It is a disease in which a tumor on your pituitary or adrenal gland makes you pump out so much cortisol coursing through your body that everything else kind of stops working properly.  It also causes weight gain, facial hair, messed up hormones, diabetes, high blood pressure, acanthosis nigricans, wow... it's so fun...  it's also so rare that we have the distinction of being an episode of House.  Season 1, episode 16 "Heavy". 

2) I have a 10 day luteal phase.  I have been taking Vitamin B6 for about 6 weeks.  This month was the first full month where I had taken B6 throughout my cycle.  Did it help?  do I have to become a vitamin believer now?

3) I have hypothyroidism.  This is likely due to the excess glucocorticosteroids from the cushing's.  After the removal of the adrenal (non cancercous) tumor it is necessary to be continuously observed for Hasimoto's disease.  

4) I am nearly 40.  Ah the joys of advanced maternal age... Even if I progress through this pregnancy I won't be able to relax for months.

5) There was no LH surge this month.  I tested.  I tested the crap out of my pee this month.  I was like a scientist as soon as I woke up every freaking morning.   There was hardly any CM.  There was only a most minor of temperature shifts compared to normal... usually I take my temp when i wake up about 4 in the morning.  It is usually 36.2 for pre ovulation, 36.6 for post ovulation.  This month it was 36.4... It wasn't until about cycle day 30 when it suddenly shifted to 36.6 then 36.8 where it sits right now.

So far this pregnancy has been completely different from the last one.  No implantation bleeding, no spotting.  So far I feel like I am in a perpetual state of pms cramps.  And fatigue... but part of that may just be because I haven't slept much... I am too busy checking my body for signs and symptoms that the pregnancy is still here... I know that different is good... different is better... maybe this one is different enough to stay.

I also feel guilty right now, that this has happened for me, at least for now, and so many people who have worked so much harder are still working, are still wishing and hoping for their dream.
Thank you all for your good wishes... I am hoping and wishing fervently that the same thing happens for you, and soon. 

I'm still holding my breath.. I am afraid to exhale....

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition



I guess I did ovulate. 

I am shocked... and I don't really believe this yet....

and i hope it sticks

and i'm scared it won't

Monday, 6 May 2013


Yesterday was all about survival.  Making it through the day without breaking down.  Making it through the day without losing control.  Making it through the day.

For the most part I managed. 

My sister and I attended a movie as part of the Toronto Hot Docs film festival.  This is a fabulous festival for anyone who likes documentaries.  We went to see a film called Rent a Family Inc. which tells the story of a Japanese man who rents himself out as a stand-in father, uncle or husband to people who need a family for some reason.  One woman rented him to give her and her boyfriend permission to live together before marriage so she didn't have to tell her own father that she was doing this.  It's a fascinating film.  But it still begs the question how do you break that to your partner one day.  Surely he will realize that the man granting him permission to bed his daughter is different than the one he meets to wed the daughter.  Another woman rented 32 guests for her wedding.  She had no family and no friends of her own.  It was interesting, and most importantly distracting. 

We had brunch, we went to the movie and then we went for ice cream.  My strength cracked while we were out for a moment.  My sister mentioned something about children, about losing a baby, she was about to talk about a friend of hers, someone who had had a loss and how tragic it had been for them.  I've heard the story before, and my sister, perhaps because of a strong sense of empathy will take on the pain and suffering of her friends as though the tragedy was her own. 

I had confided to my sister in December about my miscarriage but it was clear she had forgotten my story.  So I said, "Today would have been my due date."  I needed to stop the barrage of someone else's tale of woe.

She looked sort of surprised and then you could see the pieces click in her brain.

"Right.  Sorry babe.  That must have sucked."

"It did."

She doesn't acknowledge anything else.  The topic shifts, probably because she feels so uncomfortable.  She begins to discuss vacuums in the store we are walking by. 

I regain my composure it is clear that my sister isn't prepared to be my confidant on this day.  She isn't prepared to hear the tough and the nitty gritty side of my loss.  She just wants ice cream.

Saturday, 4 May 2013

May the Fourth be with you (oh how I love bad puns!)

I had a dental appointment today.  Typical cleaning.  The dental hygenist told me it was time for x-rays.... was there any chance I might be pregnant?

I realized right then, in that second I still had a glimmer of hope.  Even though i didn't see any LH surge this month i still had a small glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe I some how missed it.

"There's a chance", I hear myself replying, hoping, wishing. 

Is a there chance?  My temperature has been higher than normal but not as high as post ovulation normally is... and so I find myself clinging desperately to the hope that maybe somehow it still happened.

Right now I am clinging to this hope.

Tomorrow is the calculated due date of the pregnancy I lost.  Tomorrow, or even right this second, I was supposed to be welcoming my baby into this world.  Holding her for the first time, handing him to my husband for a photo.   I am feeling raw this weekend... this wasn't how May was supposed to start.

And, with my luck and raw nerves tomorrow will be the day I give up this last glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe I turned down the x-rays for a reason.

Friday, 3 May 2013


There is nothing subtle about the season changes in Southern Ontario.  The weather can go from snowy and bleak to full sunshine and short weather almost overnight.  Spring/Summer has finally arrived.  Our spring was sort of anemic.  It varied from snowy and cold to rainy and bleak.  Then, sometime in the last few days the sun mustered all it's courage and has finally decided to stay.

It is a glorious time of year.  It is one of my favourite times of the year.  Before it is muggy and too hot to move.  Before they start to give humidex warnings in the 40's (Just to be clear for any non metric users 40 to 45 Celcius is about 104 to 114 F) (I just learned that humidex is primarily a Canadian phenomenon.  They use it the same way you use windchill, it's how hot the temperature feels because of the humidity). 

today is the day to play hookey and eat outside.  We decided to buy a new bbq last night and I foresee steaks and burgers in our future nearly nightly for the next few weeks as we test it out.

There is nothing better than good weather to lift your spirits and make up for a crappy day. 

Thursday, 2 May 2013

Have you met my date, Murphy?

Yesterday was ruled by Murphy's law.

I had such high hopes for yesterday.  I had it all planned out.  Leave work, grab my guy, dinner, maybe a movie, dinner.  Nice romantic night.

Unfortunately I forgot to check my calendar.  I started my day with a meeting, pretty much a meeting that I have been working towards for a year now and if they told me I sucked at my job then it was game over.  It went "ok".  Not knock it out of the park fantastic... because half the people there hadn't bothered to read the reports and therefore were making comments on what they "thought" the reports said (sigh).  But ok.

Turns out I had a physical booked for yesterday.  I have a small confession.  I haven't had a physical in a few years... why?  because i hate them.  I hate people staring deep into my cervix.  Now, of course, i'm about to pay people vast sums of money to stand collectively at the opening to my cervix so I have to get over it.  The universe decided to teach me a lesson.

"Do you mind if the student sits in?"

Sits in?? on my pap smear?  Damn, of course I mind!  I don't really want even you to sit in... but what do I answer "Ummm... suure".  I try to make it sound as reluctant as possible so maybe she'll pick up on the fact that no I don't really want her there.  But the problem with having a disease as rare as cushing's is that no matter how mundane the procedure you are having done they will actively round up every student in the hospital to have a look at your lymph nodes because there is a very real chance that the nurse or doctor will never seen another Cushing's patient in their career. 

As I sat on the table I broke out in flop sweats.  The paper stuck to my legs so by the end that little piece of paper was shredded like it once contained confidential information that had to be destroyed.

Then they had to send me for an ECG... they thought my heart beat seemed a little "irregular".  You think??

The ECG was in the same hospital my father was in, so I went for a visit  before he went to the opera and I fought my way home through traffic.  He met with his oncologist yesterday and I wanted to know what she said.  Then he was supposed to see the nephrologist.  Suddenly, sitting there, my work blackberry starts to buzz... damn it.  I had forgotten about the reception I was supposed to attend.

I spend the evening stuck in traffic then clapping politely as awards are handed out.  I go home to kiss my husband.  Trip over a piece of furniture, pull out a piece of wood with a nail in it which punctures my slipper and into my foot.

I've had better days.

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Out on Day Pass

I am starting to feel like my father is more like a criminal than a patient.  He is still in the hospital.  Still on the 17th floor in the Acute Care of the Elderly Ward.  He is not improving.  He's not really getting worse.  He's sort of staying in one place. 

His kidney's don't seem to be working very well, his creatinine levels keep going up, his blood pressure keeps going up.  He is swelling like he's been stung by a bee.  That said he doesn't seem to be too sick.  He moves steadily, he is still coherent.  He does seem to be getting grumpier though.

Despite having been in hospital for nearly 2 weeks with only a short break at home, he's allowed to get a day pass to go - TO THE OPERA.  I find this bizarre.  My mom will drop him off at the Opera House after she spends the day visiting him.  Then he will take a cab back to the hospital for the night. 

I don't quite understand why he can't stay home. But it does mean that for the first time in a week my husband and I won't make the journey into the city after work, I feel like I have a day pass too.  A whole evening with my husband without hospital smells and crappy food for dinner because we don't get home until nearly 10pm.

I am through my scary 8:30 meeting for the day and feel like I can breath for the first time in a week. I think I'm going to insist on a date night!