Monday, 29 April 2013

The most powerful words are: Me Too.

This past week I participated in a fabulous thing called International Comment Leaving Week.  A great even sponsored by Stirrup Queens.  I love this idea because it is all about getting us to connect in what is a normally very solitary event...writing my blog, usually in my office or basement when I'm by myself.

I started my blog because I needed to connect with people.  And my first comment excited me because it meant someone, ANYONE!! actually read my blog.  And having gone through my first ICLW I was thrilled with the opportunity to read and discover so many new blogs and new people.  I was confronted with new thoughts and new information.  New ideas on how to build a family or what a blog means.

Each of us is on a difficulty journey.  There are many differences.  Some women use surrogates, some adoption, some egg donation, or they get pregnant all on their own in the middle of taking a break from IVF.  There are women who get pregnant without being in the same room as their husband when "it" happens.  T

It is filled with little moments of happiness, many moments of tears. There are women here with injectable drug habits in the thousands of dollars a month. The thing that each of us shares is the love and the longing for a child.

I noticed though as i read through so many wonderful stories of hope and work is the number of women who at some point say "Why... what did I do wrong... "  Every time I read this it breaks my heart.  It is usually following a failed IVF, or a miscarriage, it is at a time of incredible pain, and loss, and expense. 

I have a 9 year old nephew who like most kids says to me "That's not fair".  I agree with him.  And proceed to point out that if life was fair he wouldn't have a pool, or his own iPad.  If life was fair then he wouldn't have a family that takes him to Disney world 3 or 4 times a year. He wouldn't have video games and wouldn't have his own room.  I want him to realize that life being unfair has worked out in his favour.  But not because he is an extra special good kid.

I mean I love the kid, but he's devious, and he acts out and he can be a punk sometimes.  He tries to get out of chores.  He always tries to sneak in some extra videogame time when you aren't looking and is generally a... well... a kid.  And he just got lucky. 

By the same token I think of women who, like myself, are facing infertility.  But it isn't because you are bad.  Not for any of us.  It isn't because we have let down God, or didn't believe enough, or pushed Brittany in the sand box when we were just wee.  Not one of us knows  how awful infertility sucks just because we were bad people.  And yup... it is completely and totally unfair.  it sucks.  And it is awful and there are no words to describe how absolutely off -the-wall horrendous some days are.  There is a cost emotional, financial... well look at me preaching to the choir... this is what you live, and you live it every day.

I don't believe in platitudes... i think i've said this before.  Don't tell me that God is not giving me more than I can handle,  Don't say just relax and it will happen.  I don't believe that it will happen when it is meant to happen.

But I also don't believe it is my fault.  Or my husband's fault.  Or your fault.

I believe that the world is random.  Ass holes will win the lottery.  People will lie to get their own way.  Good people get Cancer. Wonderful mothers-to-be are sitting out there wondering when it will be their chance to get pregnant.

Sometimes I feel like if there is a plan for the universe then whoever drew it up has a wicked sense of humor.  I mean why else would there be pregnant bellies everywhere on my CD1?

I try very hard not to ask why or to look for reasons.  I try to remember that the universe is filled with random moments.  And that those random moments are filled with pain.  And then, when you least expect it those random moments will be filled with joy.  But not because I paid my for my sins.  Just because that is the nature of random events. 

I want to share this Ted Talk.  It has one of the most powerful endings and seems on point:  If you douse shame with empathy it can not survive.  The two most powerful words when we are in struggle are "me too".  

And that is why blogging works.  Because we find a community filled with empathy.  And hopefully we can stop blaming ourselves.


  1. You make such a valid point - "Life is not fair" doesn't just apply when we don't have what we want. All of the blessings and advantages and conveniences in our lives can be considered unfair to others, and yet we don't always see that and tend to focus on what we don't have. I found myself recently recognizing that my life is very blessed and that I could be in much poorer (in all aspects) circumstances. It doesn't make it easier to deal with IF, but it does help me overall feel better about my life.

    And love the "me too" reference. It's so true. That's why I appreciate this community!

  2. Oh my goodness... I hope I didn't sound preachy... that isn't really what I meant. For my nephew yes, but not for women in the ALI community... more that I want women to stop beating themselves up thinking that did something to make life so unfair. It doesn't make it suck any less. But it doesn't make it better to blame ourselves.

  3. I've been trying to wrap my brain around the randomness of the universe for a long time. As someone who was raised to believe that if I worked hard enough, I could achieve anything, infertility really threw me for a loop! I certainly had very little control over that! Now that my ttc days are behind me, I am starting to come to terms with the idea of random events... but at the same time, there are days when I think that I never managed to have my second child because the universe has something completely different, but equally exciting, in store for me. I'm clearly very conflicted!!!

    Great post!!!

  4. Great post! It is important to know that we are not alone and that we understand what words cant describe.

  5. Couldn't have said it better myself! Looking forward to following your journey.