Have you met my date, Murphy?

Yesterday was ruled by Murphy's law.

I had such high hopes for yesterday.  I had it all planned out.  Leave work, grab my guy, dinner, maybe a movie, dinner.  Nice romantic night.

Unfortunately I forgot to check my calendar.  I started my day with a meeting, pretty much a meeting that I have been working towards for a year now and if they told me I sucked at my job then it was game over.  It went "ok".  Not knock it out of the park fantastic... because half the people there hadn't bothered to read the reports and therefore were making comments on what they "thought" the reports said (sigh).  But ok.

Turns out I had a physical booked for yesterday.  I have a small confession.  I haven't had a physical in a few years... why?  because i hate them.  I hate people staring deep into my cervix.  Now, of course, i'm about to pay people vast sums of money to stand collectively at the opening to my cervix so I have to get over it.  The universe decided to teach me a lesson.

"Do you mind if the student sits in?"

Sits in?? on my pap smear?  Damn, of course I mind!  I don't really want even you to sit in... but what do I answer "Ummm... suure".  I try to make it sound as reluctant as possible so maybe she'll pick up on the fact that no I don't really want her there.  But the problem with having a disease as rare as cushing's is that no matter how mundane the procedure you are having done they will actively round up every student in the hospital to have a look at your lymph nodes because there is a very real chance that the nurse or doctor will never seen another Cushing's patient in their career. 

As I sat on the table I broke out in flop sweats.  The paper stuck to my legs so by the end that little piece of paper was shredded like it once contained confidential information that had to be destroyed.

Then they had to send me for an ECG... they thought my heart beat seemed a little "irregular".  You think??

The ECG was in the same hospital my father was in, so I went for a visit  before he went to the opera and I fought my way home through traffic.  He met with his oncologist yesterday and I wanted to know what she said.  Then he was supposed to see the nephrologist.  Suddenly, sitting there, my work blackberry starts to buzz... damn it.  I had forgotten about the reception I was supposed to attend.

I spend the evening stuck in traffic then clapping politely as awards are handed out.  I go home to kiss my husband.  Trip over a piece of furniture, pull out a piece of wood with a nail in it which punctures my slipper and into my foot.


I've had better days.

The New Back Seat

My husband and I finally decided that it was time to put his 1997 Toyota Avalon out to pasture.  We had been warned about a year earlier that the breaks wouldn't take a long road trips (apparently stopping on short journeys was still ok).  The rear suspension was gone.  The car was getting rusty.  We had put off the upgrade because at least the Avalon was paid off, we didn't really need any new expenses with the possibility of fertility treatments breathing down our infertile necks.  Finally we broke down.

The Avalon was a pretty luxurious car with a huge back seat.  So big that it led one friend of ours to lie in the back seat with her arms and legs in the air and pronounce that  this would be a great back seat for having sex.  It was so roomy.

Strangely, i never though of that car as a good car for a family.  Possibly because the image of my girlfriend with her legs akimbo and her panties flashing at me turned that car into a sudden symbol of depravity, or maybe just because the seats always seemed too big... it never seemed like the kind of car that should hold car seats.

 My husband commutes nearly an hour to work every day each direction, i commute 15 minutes.  My car is a little tiny Yaris which is not comfortable to drive in for any period of time, but is fantastically fuel efficient.  I have used every trick in my power to get my husband to drive the Yaris as much as possible so we can save to pay off bills and put some money aside.

Part of the plan in trading in the Avalon originally was to find a car that my husband would willingly drive but was more fuel efficient.  The selection of a new car was protracted. My husband finally decide on Honda CR-V.

"It'll be great for when we have kids", he told me.

"But you realize it isn't more fuel efficient" I responded. "I'm still going to try to trick you into driving the Yaris."

So back to the drawing board, more searching and researching and reading of reviews.  He finally decided on a 2009 Hyundai Sonata.  We found one at the first dealership we went to, a standard transmission to boot, making it a fantastic deal.

The first time I looked into our new back seat I realized this was a back seat I could picture putting car seats in.  Every time I drive the car I look back, and think of what this back seat is going to see.  Hopefully it will be the site of sibling rivalries and fights and "she touched me!" being yelled at us. I can't wait to fill that back seat.

The most powerful words are: Me Too.

This past week I participated in a fabulous thing called International Comment Leaving Week.  A great even sponsored by Stirrup Queens.  I love this idea because it is all about getting us to connect in what is a normally very solitary event...writing my blog, usually in my office or basement when I'm by myself.

I started my blog because I needed to connect with people.  And my first comment excited me because it meant someone, ANYONE!! actually read my blog.  And having gone through my first ICLW I was thrilled with the opportunity to read and discover so many new blogs and new people.  I was confronted with new thoughts and new information.  New ideas on how to build a family or what a blog means.

Each of us is on a difficulty journey.  There are many differences.  Some women use surrogates, some adoption, some egg donation, or they get pregnant all on their own in the middle of taking a break from IVF.  There are women who get pregnant without being in the same room as their husband when "it" happens.  T

It is filled with little moments of happiness, many moments of tears. There are women here with injectable drug habits in the thousands of dollars a month. The thing that each of us shares is the love and the longing for a child.

I noticed though as i read through so many wonderful stories of hope and work is the number of women who at some point say "Why... what did I do wrong... "  Every time I read this it breaks my heart.  It is usually following a failed IVF, or a miscarriage, it is at a time of incredible pain, and loss, and expense. 

I have a 9 year old nephew who like most kids says to me "That's not fair".  I agree with him.  And proceed to point out that if life was fair he wouldn't have a pool, or his own iPad.  If life was fair then he wouldn't have a family that takes him to Disney world 3 or 4 times a year. He wouldn't have video games and wouldn't have his own room.  I want him to realize that life being unfair has worked out in his favour.  But not because he is an extra special good kid.

I mean I love the kid, but he's devious, and he acts out and he can be a punk sometimes.  He tries to get out of chores.  He always tries to sneak in some extra videogame time when you aren't looking and is generally a... well... a kid.  And he just got lucky. 

By the same token I think of women who, like myself, are facing infertility.  But it isn't because you are bad.  Not for any of us.  It isn't because we have let down God, or didn't believe enough, or pushed Brittany in the sand box when we were just wee.  Not one of us knows  how awful infertility sucks just because we were bad people.  And yup... it is completely and totally unfair.  it sucks.  And it is awful and there are no words to describe how absolutely off -the-wall horrendous some days are.  There is a cost emotional, financial... well look at me preaching to the choir... this is what you live, and you live it every day.

I don't believe in platitudes... i think i've said this before.  Don't tell me that God is not giving me more than I can handle,  Don't say just relax and it will happen.  I don't believe that it will happen when it is meant to happen.

But I also don't believe it is my fault.  Or my husband's fault.  Or your fault.

I believe that the world is random.  Ass holes will win the lottery.  People will lie to get their own way.  Good people get Cancer. Wonderful mothers-to-be are sitting out there wondering when it will be their chance to get pregnant.

Sometimes I feel like if there is a plan for the universe then whoever drew it up has a wicked sense of humor.  I mean why else would there be pregnant bellies everywhere on my CD1?

I try very hard not to ask why or to look for reasons.  I try to remember that the universe is filled with random moments.  And that those random moments are filled with pain.  And then, when you least expect it those random moments will be filled with joy.  But not because I paid my for my sins.  Just because that is the nature of random events. 

I want to share this Ted Talk.  It has one of the most powerful endings and seems on point:  If you douse shame with empathy it can not survive.  The two most powerful words when we are in struggle are "me too".  

And that is why blogging works.  Because we find a community filled with empathy.  And hopefully we can stop blaming ourselves.

Couples Therapy

I love my husband.  He is the person that I look for when i have news - good or bad.  He is the arms I want to cry in.  He is the chest I want to curl up against.  He is my pillow.  He is my security blanket.  He is my source of strength.   He is my everything.

He loves me.  He laughs at my jokes.  He pulls me into his arms.  He showers me in kisses.  He nibbles on my ears.  He calls me his little lunatic - which to me is the most wonderfully romantic thing he can say, and it is all in the way he says it.

Still... I have to face up to the fact that it is time for us to talk to someone else.

When I first met my husband he was in therapy.  He had been in therapy for over a decade.  He had a difficult childhood and spent most of his adult life processing those facts.  He is not good at expressing himself.  He is learning to communicate.

Before me he was alone, mostly by choice although he made that choice unconsciously.  He tried to push me away for many years before he finally succumbed to my charms.  In the year that we have been married he has gone off antidepressants, he has stopped seeing his therapist, he has made huge progress that he is proud of.

But lately I've been seeing the signs that make me think we need to bring in some big guns.  I suspect the infertility is at the heart of it.  He wants to make me happy and doesn't know how to give me the baby we want.  He took a week vacation.  A week later he called in sick.  This week he called in sick again.  He is starting to get blue, and I need to find him the help he needs before it gets worse.

We are both struggling with the negative HPT's every cycle, the fear that we will never get there.  He is having trouble watching me deal with my father's illness.  He hates hospitals and it stresses him out to visit.  I don't know how to get him to talk to me about what he's feeling, maybe because he his trying to be strong for me.  But we definitely need some help so we can keep being strong for each other.

I feel like it is admitting failure in our beautiful love story that we can't navigate all of the paths alone, we aren't fighting really, but I don't want to start.  In my clear mind I know this is prophylactic, preventative so that we can learn to talk to each other.  But I will always wish it wasn't necessary. 

Happy Face and Sad Face

Cycle Day 19, for me, usually the day that I get that digital happy face on my ovulation prediction kit  but not today.  I am pretty sure that any of you who are also trying to conceive know exactly what I mean.  Clear Blue ovulation kits are brilliant because they give you a very clear indication of if you are ovulating or not.  A happy face means an LH surge, it means a reason for baby dancing and hope for the two week wait.

The makers of the kit were smart enough  not to actually use a sad face if you aren't ovulating, they just use an empty circle.  But it translates into a sad face anyway.  I am going to try again tonight.. but i am worried that I am not going to ovulate this month... (although, i think i worry about this every month, I could be just paranoid).

On a happier note, and a reason for a happy face, my father has been discharged from the hospital and is going home.  The medication that he is on to prevent metastases has a lot of side effects, he is on for 2 weeks and off for one week to let him recuperate.  This past week, his "good week" as he calls it he didn't recover at all and has spent 4 days in hospital... today he has to start the medication again.  I hope that they can adjust his medication enough that he isn't hospitalized again by the end of this two week period.

Thank you to everyone who has stopped by from ICLW and who has sent me best wishes for my father.   It is so amazing to feel your kindness. 

Social Ninja

I used to date this guy, many years ago, called Nick.  At the time I thought he would be the man that I would end up with.  We shared a dark sense of humor.  We are no longer in touch, and I am a bit sad for this, not because I have any romantic feelings or feelings of having missed my chance with him.  Just because he was a funny, smart, interesting person to count in my life.

Nick used to describe himself as a Social Ninja.  He was a bit...err... socially awkward and loved to make others around him feel as socially awkward as he did.  On more than one occasion, while at a party amid the laughter and the fun he would suddenly blurt out "My father died last year".  In fairness to Nick, his father had, in fact, died last year.  He wasn't lying or anything.  But it wasn't that he was suddenly overwhelmed by a need to be comforted.  He just loved to see the reaction when in middle of a night of fun and drinking people suddenly had to cope with an uncomfortable truth.  That every night isn't about fun and laughter.  That people do die.  And that life does suck sometimes.

I was thinking about Nick because I feel like I have become this same social ninja.  Although i my case it actually isn't because of a desire to make others feel uncomfortable, rather, it is simply because I am trying to protect myself.

I have been married for less than a year.  Nine months and 17 days to be exact.  But, those nine months have been among the last 9 months of my thirties and this information is not lost on anyone.  I have alluded briefly to the ongoing struggles with my in-laws who are hoping everyday that we make a pregnancy announcement.

My husband's cousin and his wife conceived within the first two months... her advice to me was to drink a bottle of wine and forget about it... (uh.. .yeah... thanks... tried that... come back when you have gone through a loss, when you have gone through months of negative tests... sorry, but you aren't an expert).

A very dear friend asked me at New Years why I wasn't drinking... "Are you pregnant?" she asked hopefully... i looked down and away and said no.

We have dinner nearly every Friday with my in-laws and I have been consuming less and less wine everytime...  but, still, there is always a small amount of wine in my glass as part of the prayers.

The day that we learned my hcg levels were dropping was a Friday.  We went to our dinner, tears held in check by sheer tenacity, and I was surrounded by the pregnant bellies of two in-laws.   We ate our meal, smiled artificial smiles.  We said nothing.  We got into our car and I cried the whole way home.  The next day the miscarriage started.  At the time I was determined to be stoic, to not tell anyone of our missed chance at a family.  Those days are gone. 

 
One night my in-laws seemed to think it was funny to chide me about not being pregnant yet by teasing me that I was drinking while I was 'pregnant'.  "I'm not pregnant".  But it stuck and became an in-joke.

Every week.  "She's pregnant!  What a bad mom stop drinking"  "I'm not." 
"She's pregnant!  You are so irresponsible drinking while you are pregnant"  "Please stop"
"She's pregnant!"

Then I lost it...
I became a social ninja and finally understood Nick.  "Stop it, stop.  It isn't funny.  It's hard and we've tried and you need to stop.  We've already lost one and it is worse when you laugh about it."

They have stopped teasing me, but the social ninja inside remains ever alert.  Now when someone tells me that my husband and I "need to get on with it" I tell them about my miscarriage.

My goal is to make them aware of how incredibly painful what they are saying is by making them feel uncomfortable.  Making them aware that if a couple doesn't have children they either don't want them or can't have them for some reason, and that this is not a topic of conversation for the casual acquaintance. 

It is not graceful or elegant... but then neither am I.

To hunt or not to hunt that is the question

Job Hunt that is....

Let me begin by saying how much I LOVE my current job.  I adore it here.  I love my boss.  I love the support staff and coworkers.  I even love what I do.  It has been my dream come true ever since this job fell, quite literally, into my lap about 2 days before I was supposed to start looking for work.

My current boss is a contact from my last job.  A job that was a 4 hour commute (each way) from my home.  It was a commute I did on a weekly basis which meant that from 4am Monday morning until 4pm Friday night I didn't get to see my boyfriend cum fiance.  When we got engaged things started to get tough at my job.  They were pushing for me to move to the far away city and I flat out told them it would not happen.  My fiance had been in the same job for 24 years, a union job, good pay, excellent vacations and benefits, he was not going to start again.  And while I enjoyed many things about my last job the hours were not on the list.  When I left I was gifted with my overtime payout.  It equaled a month for every month I had been employed.  I worked a minimum of 70 hour weeks.  This I do not miss.

Unfortunately my current job is a contract that is going to expire at the end of July.  I know my boss likes me, but I also know that there are funding issues and cutbacks and all the rest.  I have to be realistic about the fact that he may not be able to keep me around.

Then there is the problem, the dream that so many of us face.  I am pretty sure, at some point, some how I have a chance of being pregnant.  There is that concern... how will it look if I find a new job and I get pregnant after only a few weeks?  What about the time I may need to take off for fertility treatments?  Is it fair to accept a job with the clear intention of trying to leave it almost immediately for a maternity leave?  It is entirely possible to blow off good reference and future employment possibilities this way.

It isn't that we can really afford for me not to work.  In fact I bring in a higher income than my husband does so he is not even completely sure I should get the maternity leave (in Canada this can be split by the parents - don't worry, he will be convinced otherwise... unless he is willing to try out breast feeding).  But there is this constant worry that if I do find a job, the next job and then get pregnant right away that there will be a lack of trust from my employer and create a difficult work environment.

We also can't afford to wait... even a month without trying.  I'm just getting too old... :( sad face.

I read a "Dear Abby" style column a few weeks back where an expectant father who was hoping to be offered a permanent contract should inform his current employer of his intention to take the parental leave before a contract was offered.  The advice was he needed to come clean with the employer so as to not put the employer in a difficult position.

In my mind this is poor advice.  If no offer is made then he has put himself at a disadvantage unfairly, perhaps jeopardizing the job offer.  I think he should wait until the offer is made and then inform his employer.  If the employer then rescinds the offer surely that is grounds for discrimination?  But having said that is it much harder for a woman to hide the fact that she is expecting a child and it is much easier for an employer to terminate a woman who is within her 6 month probationary period because of noticeably protruding belly.  He can easily dream up any excuse, in fact he doesn't even need an excuse just that she didn't "fit in".

So the question is... do I start looking for work?  Knowing Hoping that I will be pregnant soon.  Knowing that we need the money to bring our dream to fruition.  Knowing if I am not working it can interfere with my maternity leave.  In Canada we get 17 weeks of maternal leave at 55% pay and then 35 weeks of parental leave which can be taken by either parent.  HOWEVER, it seems that this is contingent upon having worked a certain number of weeks since the last unemployment insurance claim.

My best and most hopeful dream is that they offer me a job here, and it is permanent... and sure... throw in covered infertility costs as part of my benefits package... it is still just a dream after all.

Too Stinking High (TSH)

Have I mentioned that I love my RE?  If not it bears repeating.  I think I might have a little girl crush on her.

I should probably preface this next blog with a little medical background on myself.  See.... I'm what is known as a medical freak.  I'm a zebra... for those of you who don't immediately understand this reference there is a quote they tell young doctors:  When you hear hoof beats think horses, not zebras.  Well the problem with that is that some people actually are zebras and I am one of them.  The quote is meant to remind young doctors that there is a reason that diseases are classified as rare... that's because no body has them.  It is meant to remind young doctors that they are not the future Dr. House finding weird and wonderful, obscure diseases that are given only a paragraph in most medical text books.  Most people are coming to you because they have a cold.  The common cold.

The problem with this is that many doctor's will disregard all of the symptoms of a disease that is staring them in the face because they have had it beaten into their heads that it is just too rare... that they will never in their practice see a patient with such a rare disease.

About 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Cushing's.  This is a disease in which a tumor causes your body to produce a ridiculous amount of extra cortisol - the stress hormone.  It causes many delightful symptoms like weight gain, facial hair, high blood pressure, type II diabetes, infertility, etc, etc etc.  The problem is that a doctor will look at an overweight woman with high blood pressure and type II diabetes and tell her to just lose weight.  Wanna hear the craziest thing about cushings?  You can't.  You actually can't.  They have done studies where they have shown that looking at a picture of a doughnut will actually change your metabolism as though you have eaten it.  Now that's a messed up disease.

Cushing's is found in 1:1,000,000 of the population... but wait... there's more... there's an even rarer form called adrenal cushings which is found in only 1:5,000,000 of the population and this is the form i have.  As a result I have had my left adrenal gland removed, which can cause a lot of stresses on a body.  I wear a medical alert bracelet just in case i suddenly topple over.

Because of this diagnosis I want you to believe me when i tell you i have seen a LOT of doctors.  In fact I have seen a LOT of endocrinologists.  When I had my surgery the chief of surgery dropped by my room to see, in his words, the "famous patient".  No joke.  I'm a freaking medical marvel.

Despite all of this I am in awe with my RE because she did something that blew my mind.  She checked my test results the second they came in.  She called me because my TSH was too stinking high and wants a retest.  I find so many doctors will wait until their next consult before they look at your test results.  My father drove a car for 6 months after tests showed he was legally blind because his optometrist didn't look at the results.  So my RE looked at my results and took action.

You see why I'm a little bit in love?

How can you not know you are pregnant?

This would be the TV show "I didn't know that i was Pregnant" that is on TLC, not unfortunately a miraculous revelation about myself.  Today's show is a 57 year old woman who undergoes IVF with a donor egg.  I'm intrigued to see how this is going to be a surprise pregnancy for this particular woman.  I mean honestly, if you pay someone to put fertilized eggs into your uterus then how on earth  is it supposed to be a surprise? 

I am home sick today.  I left work at noon with a horrible migraine and am still feeling the effects.  I spent most of the afternoon yesterday completely unconscious because the light was too much for me to bear. 

I have always been the victim of migraines, but ibuprofen always used to save me... now i no longer take ibuprofen on the off chance that I get pregnant, or because it might interfere with ovulation or any of the other things that we've heard.  I mean if ibuprofen was really working as a birth control method then I am sure lots of teen girls would be popping that when they couldn't get the real pill.  But, when you are trying to have a baby then apparently you will listen to just about any rumor that can have an impact on your ability to have a child... at least i will.

Back to the 57 year old she started to hemorrhage and was diagnosed with a miscarriage... and apparently no one bothered to check via ultrasound or pregnancy test??  Honestly... and she hemorrhages for months and no one looks to see if she's had any retained tissue?  Who are these doctors?

This show both intrigues and depresses me.  As a woman who is trying to get pregnant the idea that you could be pregnant for months and not notice that it was going on is a strange fantasy... and of course it leads me to play mind games every single month.  Even once my period has started i ask myself... am i actually having my period?  is it breakthrough bleeding?  Is this period lighter than usual?  It is crazy the number of ways i can pretend that even despite all of the evidence to the contrary I will take any possible opportunity to pretend that maybe, just maybe i will one day be a candidate for this show.  That despite the plethora of pregnancy tests within arms reach that i can take at any point in time i might somehow be pregnant without knowing it. 

Teeny Tiny Ovaries

Am I wrong?  I spent all day yesterday looking for the size my ovaries should be and my conclusion is that mine are tiny.  Teeny tiny.  They are not pleasingly plump.  This does not bode well for my future fertility does it.  Ovaries start off around 10 cm each from what i can tell and as you get older they get smaller, and smaller and smaller until they shrivel up like prunes... or something like that.

As I said to my husband through tears yesterday it is not just about this pregnancy, but about the next one too.  We would like two children, are we dreaming?  Are we just too older for that to be possible?  And now we have to wait three months before we see our doctor again and find out for sure what this all means for our chances. 

Then, of course, because life likes to mock me, we are going to be on vacation in Europe for most of August.  This is a combination of trips to visit my husbands family who I have never met and a week with my family in Spain.  My father has terminal cancer and wants to spend time with us all before he gets too sick.  But right now, in my head, it's just another month we will have to wait before we can get some treatment.

And another delay before our baby comes.

Rise and Shine little Antral Follicles

That's it... Day 3.  And my husband and I are requested to attend the opening of the fertility clinic.  7:30 am appointment for day 3 blood work and ovarian reserve monitoring.

Right ovary has 7 follicles with a volume of 2.7
Left ovary has 8 follicles with a volume of 3.6
No fibroids (yay - that much I know is good)
A XXXX cyst.  The doctor says this fast and i can't catch the word, so i'm not sure of what it means

Now, comes my date with Google as I try to figure out if any of this is good news.
I think my numbers are at the very lowest range of normal possible... is it enough?

What goes well with stirrups?

Yep... .i'm nervous as hell right now.
Our appointment is today, at 1:30pm.
Gulp

Getting dressed this morning was weird. I decided on a tank top to make taking blood easy, under a jacket to keep warm and decided to go with blue jeans.  I don't really work in a blue jeans kind of place.  But I can go days without seeing any of my colleagues just because of what I do, and since i intentionally didn't schedule any meetings today I am sort of hanging out in my office.

I wanted to feel comfortable as I walked into the office today, or at least look like I felt comfortable, and blue jeans will do that for me i hope.  My husband is leaving work today at noon and we are meeting at home to travel there together.  It's a bit of a backtrack for him....  He works North of the city and we live East, but i didn't want to try to deal with two cars there, and i need him to hold my hand through today.

And I want to be able to analyze and discuss everything that is said to us in the appointment on the drive back home, not being trying to fight through both traffic and tears at the same time.  Anyone been through this already?  Help!!

Baby on Credit

If there is one thing that I knew about IVF before we started on this journey it was that this wasn't going to come cheap.  We still don't know exactly what this will cost us of course, we don't know what treatments we will need.  We don't know how many it will take before they are successful.  So, even though we can look up and see that our fertility clinic will cost us about $1,500 for an IUI that basically tells us nothing.

My husband and I decided to go to the bank yesterday to see how much money we could arrange before our appointment at the fertility clinic tomorrow (Gulp!).  I know the clinic offers financing, and no doubt they will pretty give you anything since they are filling a space in your soul and you know you will pay anything to have that baby you want so badly, but we also wanted to know, financially what our other options were.  Who knows if the clinic will give you the lowest rate?  Maybe it's like a credit card at 20% where you will be required to send all of your frozen embryos out to work just to pay it off.

The woman at the bank was ridiculously happy for us.  "Fertility treatments!  How exciting!"  My guess is she is baby crazy, but still confident that her nubile body will produce the children she is going to have one day... she doesn't understand that fertility treatments are filling me with dread and fear not excitement.  

She notices the title "Dr." attached to my file.  I hold a PhD and it has been put on my file as such.  But she mistakes it for an MD.  "I think we can get you a business loan.  It has a much lower interest rate."

There is nothing more ridiculous to me than the idea that our baby making be financed by a business loan.  This is not an investment that is going to be paid off any time soon. This is a long term investment that is going to require repeated infusions of cash as our child struggles to define themselves throughout childhood and adolescence.  Unless our child is the next Justin Bieber (and i really hope not after watching his latest string of petulant tweets) there is little hope that this baby is going to post a profit margin in the first quarter of his or her life.

How solving a mystery can result in pregnancy symptoms

I have no doubt that the phenomenon is well studied by any woman who is currently trying to conceive.  It is almost mystical the rate at which she can develop every symptom known to affect those in early pregnancy simply by reading a list.  Like the "communicated" wind turbine syndrome  early pregnancy symptoms are, no doubt in my mind, completely and totally caused by the nocebo effect.

In one of my many dozens of searches I have done over the years into "early pregnancy symptoms" I once came across this sage advice:

Remember, many pregnant women who were not trying to conceive do not even realize they are pregnant until well into the first trimester, meaning that symptoms are often subtle or nonexistent during the two week wait.

Oh, yeah... that is definitely advice i need to take.  It should help me to stop googling symptoms to see if that twinge in my back, that dryness in my mouth, that queasiness in my belly could herald the arrival of a baby.  Of course it never does.  Every month I announce to my husband "I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant.  Don't you think?  Do you think I could be pregnant?"  He wisely nods yes and we play this game for two weeks until my period arrives and brings with it a flood of tears.

So, this month when i was convinced that I had not ovulated  my boobs felt no bigger than usual for a period.  The nipples did not seem to mysteriously darken in certain light (duh... that's called shadows) and my cramps seemed to be nice normal run of the mill pre-menstral cramps... gearing up for the visit by the painters on Thursday or Friday.

That is until I ran a single Google search yesterday at lunch: "Can ovulation be delayed after a positive OPK?"  Well, as usual The Google Oracle spit out an answer and in summation the truth is that sometimes it can take as much as 3 days for your body to experience a thermal shift after ovulation has occurred.  And now my pattern is definitely biphasic... which means suddenly these damn breasts seem so sore... and I can't seem to stop feeling them (making them more sore no doubt).  And I'm definitely tired this morning.  Really tired.  And... damn... i'm playing that stupid two week wait game again. 

Coming out of the IVF closet

I suspect it all starts with the taboo of sex.  It is something that we aren't supposed to talk about.  We sort of vaguely know that other people do "it" but we don't want to know the details.  Especially when it comes to our parents. 

This is of course different with girlfriends.  They know I have a very raunchy sense of humour and love to joke about sex.  A friend has never started the sentence "I just have to download some..." without me finishing for him "porn" even if that's not what he has in mind.

As a young woman, having her first sexual encounters my parents were the last people I wanted to find out about it.  They never knew anything about my first.  Even with my husband I have trouble admitting that there were men before him. 

I suspect that is why it all seems so strange to have a conversation about IVF with those very people.  See, sex is what is supposed to lead to babies right, and the fact that we haven't yet, even though we are "TRYING"... that's something that is hard to say to my parents.  "Yes mum, even though we have sex throughout my fertile period we haven't had success".  "Yes dad, we tried all of the positions designed to put your son-in-law's penis close to my cervix during ejaculation".  Ug.  Not a conversation I can have.

Still... through a bunch of tears I managed to choke it out over the weekend to my mother.  Not the imagined conversation above... Not with that detail.  But yes, that we were going to go to an IVF clinic.  That it was going to cost us thousands of dollars to give them a grandchild. 

I wonder if we could post it on kick-start.  Anyone wanting to give a full round of IVF would have naming rights.  Anyone contributing a half round of IVF would have the baby's room named after them.  Anyone paying an IUI would be able to have his or her name embroidered on a bib.

Why some two week waits are shorter than others

Years ago I was moving back to Canada from the United States and I contracted a storage facility over the phone to rent a 5 x 10 storage locker.  On moving day I pulled my U-haul truck up to the front door with all of my possessions inside and i started unloading.  I took one look at the storage room and I knew there was a problem.  There was no way this space was a 5 x 10.  My stuff wasn't going to fit.  We paced it out and the room ended up being a 4 x 8.  "Listen lady", the manager told me "Some 5 x 10's are bigger than others".  I refrained from asking him if he was using his penis as the measuring device.... but just barely.

This is when I first learned that standard measurements are not always that standard.  My period has also learned this lesson.

When I first went to see my doctor about going to a fertility clinic she asked me if we were "trying" for a baby.  I told her yes, we weren't using birth control.  That is the day that I learned that trying was something completely different.  And we introduced things like the basal body temperature (BBT) and the ovulation prediction kits (OPK) into our marriage and instructions from my doctor that it should be "military style"... which isn't a new position, it was her code for timed, on demand sex.  She suggested this for 3 months.... if nothing stuck she would refer me to the fertility clinic.

I've since told my doctor that I've had worse prescriptions.  And we try to make sure it is fun and flirty and not any of the "just shut up, i don't even want to talk to you right now, but we need to have sex because it's ovulation time" sort of sex that I've heard of from other people I know.

Military style though has made one thing very clear to me.  My two week wait is shorter than others.  It seems to go from 9 - 10 days.  Which is on the very cusp of having a luteal phase defect according the The Google.  See the Luteal Phase is the time in your cycle where you have progesterone coursing through your body and it allows the fertilized egg to implant in your lining.  It is normally 10 - 14 days, though most common is 14 days.  Anything shorter than 10 days is considered to be a defect which can prevent the implantation of the egg.  This was a bit of a revelation for me, and something I never would have found out without all of the joys of sticking a thermometer in my mouth before kissing my husband in the mornings.

The Google of course had suggestions.  Apparently "some people" report a lengthening of the luteal phase with vitamin B6.  I'm always somewhat suspicious of anything that says "some people", but since there doesn't seem to be any toxicity i can find associated with vitamin B6 I am trying it for the first time on this cycle.  We will see if it makes a difference. 

I am of course hoping that this apparent Luteal phase defect is the cause of our infertility.  The cure seems to be straight forward... throw a little progesterone on and you can fix anything.  Of course the testing required to make that diagnosis official is probably awful.  It seems to involve biopsies and needles stuck through places I don't want needles to go. 

I don't know how I feel about herbal medicines.  I am trained as a scientist.  I want to see results and studies done with proper controls... but I also can't help but think... "well, what if it is that
easy, just take a few vitamins..."

Especially since I don't think there is any chance of being pregnant this month. 

Procreation versus Recreation

I told my husband over breakfast today that we never need to have sex again.  He made me explain myself.  I pointed out that any further actions my husband and I take in procreating will be facilitated by doctors and speculums and needles... oh my!  Therefore we didn't NEED to have sex ever again.

My husband looked at me with an arched brow "Really?" 

Well, of course not.  My husband knows me well enough to know better than that.  But as I point out, after nearly a year of focusing on the procreation from here on out we can just consider everything to be recreation.  

"It's good right?  You'll know that I'm not using you for sperm anymore... I'm just using you for sex." 

The idea of having a baby has definitely had an impact on how we view sex.  For a few days every month there isn't the option of if.  Or which position.  Or what time of day.  Everything has to be planned.  And there needs to be enough time afterwards for me to practice my hanging upside down yoga.  (I actually have no idea if there actually is any improvement in pregnancy rates for women who contort their bodies after sex.  But it sure decreases cuddling.)

Now, we can go back to the way things were before right?  I mean just because we don't have to be in the same place when we conceive our child... but we can sure make sure that we are together when we practice. 

We celebrated by being a bit late for work this morning.

I guess the chicken comes first...

Basal Body Temperature:  36.27

In the old riddle "which comes first the chicken or the egg" you know if your BBT doesn't rise there is no egg.  Therefore, the chicken comes first.

I had harboured these secret unrealistic hopes and wishes that somehow we would squeak one in.  That I would go meet our reproductive endocrinologist and she would order blood work that would reveal their services were not necessary because we were already pregnant.  That will not happen.

So, in a bid for silver linings I am happy that we will not have a baby born too close to Christmas, because that always sucks.. plus we were sort of thinking of doing Christmas in Florida this year and waking up to sunshine instead of snow.
 

Did I or didn't I...

Temperature:  36.22 or 36.77

Last night was a late night.  Very late. 

I woke up this morning in time for work... took my temperature and fell asleep while doing it.  The beeping of the thermometer woke up me... it said 36.22.  But... was it actually in the right place, under my tongue, or was it off to the side as my tongue lolled out of my mouth.

Then... when I woke up again and the reading on the temperature was 36.77.  This is higher than normal for my BBT post ovulation.  But I don't know if i was asleep long enough after getting out of bed for it to be my BBT.  Actually it is higher than normal for my non-basal body temperature.  So, i am left in doubt.. .did i?  or didn't i?

I know that you can have an LH surge from the ovulation kits and not actually produce an egg.  So, I don't know yet if have a chance to get pregnant this month or not.  I will have to wait until tomorrow.  I don't want to wait until tomorrow.

UPDATE:  when I got home from work I noticed that you can get almost a 1 C temperature drop if you take your temperature with your mouth open. So I am keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow.

The Big O...

Do you remember the time when if you got a text message asking if you'd O'd this morning it was from an insecure lover wondering if it was good for you?  Not anymore.  Now all of the O's have to do with Ovulation.  The biggest most important O in my life right now. 

I have learned a lot about ovulation through charting my temperature.  But although this seems like a really easy task it can become ridiculously complicated.  Your basal body temperature (BBT) is supposed to be taken as soon as you wake up.... errr... following at least 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep that is... which is where it becomes complicated for me.  I will often wake up during the night, and now as soon as I do I become obsessed with the fact that I have to take my temperature.  Since my thermometer is not lit (which is a really stupid for a digital thermometer that you are supposed to check before you are allowed to even get up and pee) this is something i have to manage in the semi-darkness and something i try to do without waking my husband.  So, if I wake up in the middle of the night then I will take the temperature, and try to read it in the bathroom.  If i just wake up because I am tossing and turning then i will try to take the temperature and try to see the numbers by the glow of my cell phone.

The problem is that this often leads to 2 or 3 different temperatures being taken in the course of the night.  So which one is right.  Normally I take the lowest temperature.  This is an especially important rule during the two week wait because that plummet of temperature the last 2 days before my period are the early wake up to the fact that I am not pregnant.  But today is (possibly) ovulation day.  My first temp was 36.12C, then I woke up sometime in the middle of the night with a temp of 36.25C and finally when I woke up this morning it was 36.42 C.  So... the question is... is my temperature up because I ovulated?  Or is it up because i wasn't asleep again between the second and the third time.  My "coverline"  the imaginary boundary that my temperature crosses when I ovulate is around 36.55.  Are we almost there?  is there an egg lose in my fallopian tube looking for a partner?

Cross your fingers, hold your breath... the two week wait has begun.