Hello to all ICLW'ers.
I have a confession to make. I some how managed to get pregnant. Forgive me.
We were waiting for our next appointment and first treatment with our RE when all of a sudden the bunny died.
I assure you, it was completely unexpected.
Apparently it happened in a week while my father was hospitalized and I was over my head in worry. It happened in a cycle where I didn't see any sign I was ovulating. It happened in a cycle where we were desperately trying to cram sex in between hospital visits. It happened in a cycle when we least expected it. Although for the record it did not happen when we just relaxed.
I did not know I would be pregnant when i signed up for ICLW this time, so I hope you will forgive me.
My background is that my husband and I have been trying for 13 months. We had a miscarriage in September of last year. We had seen an RE. We thought this would never happen. As a patient with Cushing's who has had 1 of her adrenal glands removed I was supposed to be infertile. Completely. We weren't even sure if we would be able to get pregnant with IVF. There as so few cases of Cushing's women getting pregnant they quite often still make the medical journals.
And then suddenly it happened by accident.
What remains to be seen is if it will stick.
I look forward to reading everyone's blogs this month. But I understand completely that this might make my blog difficult for some of you to read. So... my blog has moved from trying to conceive to hoping to stay pregnant.
Showing posts with label fertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, 21 May 2013
Sunday, 28 April 2013
Couples Therapy
I love my husband. He is the person that I look for when i have news - good or bad. He is the arms I want to cry in. He is the chest I want to curl up against. He is my pillow. He is my security blanket. He is my source of strength. He is my everything.
He loves me. He laughs at my jokes. He pulls me into his arms. He showers me in kisses. He nibbles on my ears. He calls me his little lunatic - which to me is the most wonderfully romantic thing he can say, and it is all in the way he says it.
Still... I have to face up to the fact that it is time for us to talk to someone else.
When I first met my husband he was in therapy. He had been in therapy for over a decade. He had a difficult childhood and spent most of his adult life processing those facts. He is not good at expressing himself. He is learning to communicate.
Before me he was alone, mostly by choice although he made that choice unconsciously. He tried to push me away for many years before he finally succumbed to my charms. In the year that we have been married he has gone off antidepressants, he has stopped seeing his therapist, he has made huge progress that he is proud of.
But lately I've been seeing the signs that make me think we need to bring in some big guns. I suspect the infertility is at the heart of it. He wants to make me happy and doesn't know how to give me the baby we want. He took a week vacation. A week later he called in sick. This week he called in sick again. He is starting to get blue, and I need to find him the help he needs before it gets worse.
We are both struggling with the negative HPT's every cycle, the fear that we will never get there. He is having trouble watching me deal with my father's illness. He hates hospitals and it stresses him out to visit. I don't know how to get him to talk to me about what he's feeling, maybe because he his trying to be strong for me. But we definitely need some help so we can keep being strong for each other.
I feel like it is admitting failure in our beautiful love story that we can't navigate all of the paths alone, we aren't fighting really, but I don't want to start. In my clear mind I know this is prophylactic, preventative so that we can learn to talk to each other. But I will always wish it wasn't necessary.
He loves me. He laughs at my jokes. He pulls me into his arms. He showers me in kisses. He nibbles on my ears. He calls me his little lunatic - which to me is the most wonderfully romantic thing he can say, and it is all in the way he says it.
Still... I have to face up to the fact that it is time for us to talk to someone else.
When I first met my husband he was in therapy. He had been in therapy for over a decade. He had a difficult childhood and spent most of his adult life processing those facts. He is not good at expressing himself. He is learning to communicate.
Before me he was alone, mostly by choice although he made that choice unconsciously. He tried to push me away for many years before he finally succumbed to my charms. In the year that we have been married he has gone off antidepressants, he has stopped seeing his therapist, he has made huge progress that he is proud of.
But lately I've been seeing the signs that make me think we need to bring in some big guns. I suspect the infertility is at the heart of it. He wants to make me happy and doesn't know how to give me the baby we want. He took a week vacation. A week later he called in sick. This week he called in sick again. He is starting to get blue, and I need to find him the help he needs before it gets worse.
We are both struggling with the negative HPT's every cycle, the fear that we will never get there. He is having trouble watching me deal with my father's illness. He hates hospitals and it stresses him out to visit. I don't know how to get him to talk to me about what he's feeling, maybe because he his trying to be strong for me. But we definitely need some help so we can keep being strong for each other.
I feel like it is admitting failure in our beautiful love story that we can't navigate all of the paths alone, we aren't fighting really, but I don't want to start. In my clear mind I know this is prophylactic, preventative so that we can learn to talk to each other. But I will always wish it wasn't necessary.
Thursday, 25 April 2013
My ICLW introduction post 4 days late (just like i wish my period was)
This week I am participating in International Comment Leaving Week for the first time. I am new to blogging and this week has been amazing to get to read so many other peoples journeys. Each of us is at different places and have different struggles. I have found some incredible new blogs to read and have read parts of each and everyone one on the list so far.
This has, however, made me realize that I FAILED EPICALLY because it seems that it would have been nice to take the time to actually introduce myself to anyone stopping by for the first time.
We are at the start of our journey. We have been TTC for 13 heartbreaking months. For my 39th birthday we got the gift we were waiting for.
You know that really irritating home pregnancy test commercial that starts "Don't you wish you could know you are pregnant as soon as it happens?" Well I did. On my 39th birthday I had the most vicious awful cramps. I had some light bleeding. It was all exactly 7 days post ovulation. Then the bleeding stopped. I felt every single symptom I should. I just KNEW I was pregnant.
When I finally took a home pregnancy test 6 days later, 1 day before my period my husband actually NODDED AT ME AND WENT BACK TO READING HIS BOOK. Because as far as he was concerned, we had known for a week already, he couldn't understand why I was telling him again.
That was my momentous reveal.
We are no longer pregnant. But he has learned that if we ever get pregnant again that nodding is not an acceptable response.
My husband and I are older, I am still 39 for a few months, my husband is 44. We are aware of the constantly ticking clock. Our time is passing. We found each other late in life and have been married less than a year. We both want children. We hope that we will be one of the lucky ones.
We have consulted with an RE but because i did get pregnant within 6 months of trying she wants so to try for a minimum of another 7 cycles after the miscarriage before we start anything more intensive. We are in the middle of cycle 5. Our next appointment with the RE is at the end of July.
Our fertility struggles are complicated by my diagnosis and treatment for adrenal Cushing's and now it looks like hypothyroidism.
Currently we share our home with a small black cat who begrudgingly allows us to use the bedroom between 11pm and 7am... but going to bed early or waking up late results in caterwauling like you wouldn't believe.
So, that is my introduction, my story in a nutshell. Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories with me.
This has, however, made me realize that I FAILED EPICALLY because it seems that it would have been nice to take the time to actually introduce myself to anyone stopping by for the first time.
We are at the start of our journey. We have been TTC for 13 heartbreaking months. For my 39th birthday we got the gift we were waiting for.
You know that really irritating home pregnancy test commercial that starts "Don't you wish you could know you are pregnant as soon as it happens?" Well I did. On my 39th birthday I had the most vicious awful cramps. I had some light bleeding. It was all exactly 7 days post ovulation. Then the bleeding stopped. I felt every single symptom I should. I just KNEW I was pregnant.
When I finally took a home pregnancy test 6 days later, 1 day before my period my husband actually NODDED AT ME AND WENT BACK TO READING HIS BOOK. Because as far as he was concerned, we had known for a week already, he couldn't understand why I was telling him again.
That was my momentous reveal.
We are no longer pregnant. But he has learned that if we ever get pregnant again that nodding is not an acceptable response.
My husband and I are older, I am still 39 for a few months, my husband is 44. We are aware of the constantly ticking clock. Our time is passing. We found each other late in life and have been married less than a year. We both want children. We hope that we will be one of the lucky ones.
We have consulted with an RE but because i did get pregnant within 6 months of trying she wants so to try for a minimum of another 7 cycles after the miscarriage before we start anything more intensive. We are in the middle of cycle 5. Our next appointment with the RE is at the end of July.
Our fertility struggles are complicated by my diagnosis and treatment for adrenal Cushing's and now it looks like hypothyroidism.
Currently we share our home with a small black cat who begrudgingly allows us to use the bedroom between 11pm and 7am... but going to bed early or waking up late results in caterwauling like you wouldn't believe.
So, that is my introduction, my story in a nutshell. Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories with me.
Thursday, 18 April 2013
Social Ninja
I used to date this guy, many years ago, called Nick. At the time I thought he would be the man that I would end up with. We shared a dark sense of humor. We are no longer in touch, and I am a bit sad for this, not because I have any romantic feelings or feelings of having missed my chance with him. Just because he was a funny, smart, interesting person to count in my life.
Nick used to describe himself as a Social Ninja. He was a bit...err... socially awkward and loved to make others around him feel as socially awkward as he did. On more than one occasion, while at a party amid the laughter and the fun he would suddenly blurt out "My father died last year". In fairness to Nick, his father had, in fact, died last year. He wasn't lying or anything. But it wasn't that he was suddenly overwhelmed by a need to be comforted. He just loved to see the reaction when in middle of a night of fun and drinking people suddenly had to cope with an uncomfortable truth. That every night isn't about fun and laughter. That people do die. And that life does suck sometimes.
I was thinking about Nick because I feel like I have become this same social ninja. Although i my case it actually isn't because of a desire to make others feel uncomfortable, rather, it is simply because I am trying to protect myself.
I have been married for less than a year. Nine months and 17 days to be exact. But, those nine months have been among the last 9 months of my thirties and this information is not lost on anyone. I have alluded briefly to the ongoing struggles with my in-laws who are hoping everyday that we make a pregnancy announcement.
My husband's cousin and his wife conceived within the first two months... her advice to me was to drink a bottle of wine and forget about it... (uh.. .yeah... thanks... tried that... come back when you have gone through a loss, when you have gone through months of negative tests... sorry, but you aren't an expert).
A very dear friend asked me at New Years why I wasn't drinking... "Are you pregnant?" she asked hopefully... i looked down and away and said no.
We have dinner nearly every Friday with my in-laws and I have been consuming less and less wine everytime... but, still, there is always a small amount of wine in my glass as part of the prayers.
The day that we learned my hcg levels were dropping was a Friday. We went to our dinner, tears held in check by sheer tenacity, and I was surrounded by the pregnant bellies of two in-laws. We ate our meal, smiled artificial smiles. We said nothing. We got into our car and I cried the whole way home. The next day the miscarriage started. At the time I was determined to be stoic, to not tell anyone of our missed chance at a family. Those days are gone.
One night my in-laws seemed to think it was funny to chide me about not being pregnant yet by teasing me that I was drinking while I was 'pregnant'. "I'm not pregnant". But it stuck and became an in-joke.
Every week. "She's pregnant! What a bad mom stop drinking" "I'm not."
"She's pregnant! You are so irresponsible drinking while you are pregnant" "Please stop"
"She's pregnant!"
Then I lost it...
I became a social ninja and finally understood Nick. "Stop it, stop. It isn't funny. It's hard and we've tried and you need to stop. We've already lost one and it is worse when you laugh about it."
They have stopped teasing me, but the social ninja inside remains ever alert. Now when someone tells me that my husband and I "need to get on with it" I tell them about my miscarriage.
My goal is to make them aware of how incredibly painful what they are saying is by making them feel uncomfortable. Making them aware that if a couple doesn't have children they either don't want them or can't have them for some reason, and that this is not a topic of conversation for the casual acquaintance.
It is not graceful or elegant... but then neither am I.
Nick used to describe himself as a Social Ninja. He was a bit...err... socially awkward and loved to make others around him feel as socially awkward as he did. On more than one occasion, while at a party amid the laughter and the fun he would suddenly blurt out "My father died last year". In fairness to Nick, his father had, in fact, died last year. He wasn't lying or anything. But it wasn't that he was suddenly overwhelmed by a need to be comforted. He just loved to see the reaction when in middle of a night of fun and drinking people suddenly had to cope with an uncomfortable truth. That every night isn't about fun and laughter. That people do die. And that life does suck sometimes.
I was thinking about Nick because I feel like I have become this same social ninja. Although i my case it actually isn't because of a desire to make others feel uncomfortable, rather, it is simply because I am trying to protect myself.
I have been married for less than a year. Nine months and 17 days to be exact. But, those nine months have been among the last 9 months of my thirties and this information is not lost on anyone. I have alluded briefly to the ongoing struggles with my in-laws who are hoping everyday that we make a pregnancy announcement.
My husband's cousin and his wife conceived within the first two months... her advice to me was to drink a bottle of wine and forget about it... (uh.. .yeah... thanks... tried that... come back when you have gone through a loss, when you have gone through months of negative tests... sorry, but you aren't an expert).
A very dear friend asked me at New Years why I wasn't drinking... "Are you pregnant?" she asked hopefully... i looked down and away and said no.
We have dinner nearly every Friday with my in-laws and I have been consuming less and less wine everytime... but, still, there is always a small amount of wine in my glass as part of the prayers.
The day that we learned my hcg levels were dropping was a Friday. We went to our dinner, tears held in check by sheer tenacity, and I was surrounded by the pregnant bellies of two in-laws. We ate our meal, smiled artificial smiles. We said nothing. We got into our car and I cried the whole way home. The next day the miscarriage started. At the time I was determined to be stoic, to not tell anyone of our missed chance at a family. Those days are gone.
One night my in-laws seemed to think it was funny to chide me about not being pregnant yet by teasing me that I was drinking while I was 'pregnant'. "I'm not pregnant". But it stuck and became an in-joke.
Every week. "She's pregnant! What a bad mom stop drinking" "I'm not."
"She's pregnant! You are so irresponsible drinking while you are pregnant" "Please stop"
"She's pregnant!"
Then I lost it...
I became a social ninja and finally understood Nick. "Stop it, stop. It isn't funny. It's hard and we've tried and you need to stop. We've already lost one and it is worse when you laugh about it."
They have stopped teasing me, but the social ninja inside remains ever alert. Now when someone tells me that my husband and I "need to get on with it" I tell them about my miscarriage.
My goal is to make them aware of how incredibly painful what they are saying is by making them feel uncomfortable. Making them aware that if a couple doesn't have children they either don't want them or can't have them for some reason, and that this is not a topic of conversation for the casual acquaintance.
It is not graceful or elegant... but then neither am I.
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Money, Money, Money... it's a rich man's world
My husband and I never fight.... truly... never... but tonight was a different story. Money is of course foremost in our minds these days. We have some debts of course... and they all stem to a single event. Our wedding.
Our wedding was beautiful.. complete with horse drawn carriage and a wedding by a pond. But was this because I was a demanding diva from hell insisting on everything being perfect? Uh.. not a chance. I was pushing to elope but my husband needed a wedding. See, he comes from a broken home, but not just a simple parents divorced kind of broken home... his mother left the communist country that they lived in and he didn't see or hear from her for a decade.
Finally, she sent for him. He moved in. She left again two weeks later leaving him with relatives in a country where he didn't speak the language. A year later she sent for him again... this time to Canada. His third country and third language in a year he moved to CAnada at the age of 13. He didn't see or speak to his father for a decade.
My husband needed a white wedding, he needed his Norman Rockwell moment that was picture perfect and I needed to make that dream come true. And we did.
We have different approaches to money. Mine is a save now buy when we can afford it sort of approach while he believes very much that we can just put things on credit and pay them off one day. So tonight it comes to a head. I am insisting on living quite abstemiously and paying of our debt and starting to put money away for our fertility treatments in the months until we start. My husband wants to go and buy things that aren't necessities. Please, tell me we aren't the only ones who fight about money!
Our wedding was beautiful.. complete with horse drawn carriage and a wedding by a pond. But was this because I was a demanding diva from hell insisting on everything being perfect? Uh.. not a chance. I was pushing to elope but my husband needed a wedding. See, he comes from a broken home, but not just a simple parents divorced kind of broken home... his mother left the communist country that they lived in and he didn't see or hear from her for a decade.
Finally, she sent for him. He moved in. She left again two weeks later leaving him with relatives in a country where he didn't speak the language. A year later she sent for him again... this time to Canada. His third country and third language in a year he moved to CAnada at the age of 13. He didn't see or speak to his father for a decade.
My husband needed a white wedding, he needed his Norman Rockwell moment that was picture perfect and I needed to make that dream come true. And we did.
We have different approaches to money. Mine is a save now buy when we can afford it sort of approach while he believes very much that we can just put things on credit and pay them off one day. So tonight it comes to a head. I am insisting on living quite abstemiously and paying of our debt and starting to put money away for our fertility treatments in the months until we start. My husband wants to go and buy things that aren't necessities. Please, tell me we aren't the only ones who fight about money!
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
Too Stinking High (TSH)
Have I mentioned that I love my RE? If not it bears repeating. I think I might have a little girl crush on her.
I should probably preface this next blog with a little medical background on myself. See.... I'm what is known as a medical freak. I'm a zebra... for those of you who don't immediately understand this reference there is a quote they tell young doctors: When you hear hoof beats think horses, not zebras. Well the problem with that is that some people actually are zebras and I am one of them. The quote is meant to remind young doctors that there is a reason that diseases are classified as rare... that's because no body has them. It is meant to remind young doctors that they are not the future Dr. House finding weird and wonderful, obscure diseases that are given only a paragraph in most medical text books. Most people are coming to you because they have a cold. The common cold.
The problem with this is that many doctor's will disregard all of the symptoms of a disease that is staring them in the face because they have had it beaten into their heads that it is just too rare... that they will never in their practice see a patient with such a rare disease.
About 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Cushing's. This is a disease in which a tumor causes your body to produce a ridiculous amount of extra cortisol - the stress hormone. It causes many delightful symptoms like weight gain, facial hair, high blood pressure, type II diabetes, infertility, etc, etc etc. The problem is that a doctor will look at an overweight woman with high blood pressure and type II diabetes and tell her to just lose weight. Wanna hear the craziest thing about cushings? You can't. You actually can't. They have done studies where they have shown that looking at a picture of a doughnut will actually change your metabolism as though you have eaten it. Now that's a messed up disease.
Cushing's is found in 1:1,000,000 of the population... but wait... there's more... there's an even rarer form called adrenal cushings which is found in only 1:5,000,000 of the population and this is the form i have. As a result I have had my left adrenal gland removed, which can cause a lot of stresses on a body. I wear a medical alert bracelet just in case i suddenly topple over.
Because of this diagnosis I want you to believe me when i tell you i have seen a LOT of doctors. In fact I have seen a LOT of endocrinologists. When I had my surgery the chief of surgery dropped by my room to see, in his words, the "famous patient". No joke. I'm a freaking medical marvel.
Despite all of this I am in awe with my RE because she did something that blew my mind. She checked my test results the second they came in. She called me because my TSH was too stinking high and wants a retest. I find so many doctors will wait until their next consult before they look at your test results. My father drove a car for 6 months after tests showed he was legally blind because his optometrist didn't look at the results. So my RE looked at my results and took action.
You see why I'm a little bit in love?
I should probably preface this next blog with a little medical background on myself. See.... I'm what is known as a medical freak. I'm a zebra... for those of you who don't immediately understand this reference there is a quote they tell young doctors: When you hear hoof beats think horses, not zebras. Well the problem with that is that some people actually are zebras and I am one of them. The quote is meant to remind young doctors that there is a reason that diseases are classified as rare... that's because no body has them. It is meant to remind young doctors that they are not the future Dr. House finding weird and wonderful, obscure diseases that are given only a paragraph in most medical text books. Most people are coming to you because they have a cold. The common cold.
The problem with this is that many doctor's will disregard all of the symptoms of a disease that is staring them in the face because they have had it beaten into their heads that it is just too rare... that they will never in their practice see a patient with such a rare disease.
About 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Cushing's. This is a disease in which a tumor causes your body to produce a ridiculous amount of extra cortisol - the stress hormone. It causes many delightful symptoms like weight gain, facial hair, high blood pressure, type II diabetes, infertility, etc, etc etc. The problem is that a doctor will look at an overweight woman with high blood pressure and type II diabetes and tell her to just lose weight. Wanna hear the craziest thing about cushings? You can't. You actually can't. They have done studies where they have shown that looking at a picture of a doughnut will actually change your metabolism as though you have eaten it. Now that's a messed up disease.
Cushing's is found in 1:1,000,000 of the population... but wait... there's more... there's an even rarer form called adrenal cushings which is found in only 1:5,000,000 of the population and this is the form i have. As a result I have had my left adrenal gland removed, which can cause a lot of stresses on a body. I wear a medical alert bracelet just in case i suddenly topple over.
Because of this diagnosis I want you to believe me when i tell you i have seen a LOT of doctors. In fact I have seen a LOT of endocrinologists. When I had my surgery the chief of surgery dropped by my room to see, in his words, the "famous patient". No joke. I'm a freaking medical marvel.
Despite all of this I am in awe with my RE because she did something that blew my mind. She checked my test results the second they came in. She called me because my TSH was too stinking high and wants a retest. I find so many doctors will wait until their next consult before they look at your test results. My father drove a car for 6 months after tests showed he was legally blind because his optometrist didn't look at the results. So my RE looked at my results and took action.
You see why I'm a little bit in love?
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
How can you not know you are pregnant?
This would be the TV show "I didn't know that i was Pregnant" that is on TLC, not unfortunately a miraculous revelation about myself. Today's show is a 57 year old woman who undergoes IVF with a donor egg. I'm intrigued to see how this is going to be a surprise pregnancy for this particular woman. I mean honestly, if you pay someone to put fertilized eggs into your uterus then how on earth is it supposed to be a surprise?
I am home sick today. I left work at noon with a horrible migraine and am still feeling the effects. I spent most of the afternoon yesterday completely unconscious because the light was too much for me to bear.
I have always been the victim of migraines, but ibuprofen always used to save me... now i no longer take ibuprofen on the off chance that I get pregnant, or because it might interfere with ovulation or any of the other things that we've heard. I mean if ibuprofen was really working as a birth control method then I am sure lots of teen girls would be popping that when they couldn't get the real pill. But, when you are trying to have a baby then apparently you will listen to just about any rumor that can have an impact on your ability to have a child... at least i will.
Back to the 57 year old she started to hemorrhage and was diagnosed with a miscarriage... and apparently no one bothered to check via ultrasound or pregnancy test?? Honestly... and she hemorrhages for months and no one looks to see if she's had any retained tissue? Who are these doctors?
This show both intrigues and depresses me. As a woman who is trying to get pregnant the idea that you could be pregnant for months and not notice that it was going on is a strange fantasy... and of course it leads me to play mind games every single month. Even once my period has started i ask myself... am i actually having my period? is it breakthrough bleeding? Is this period lighter than usual? It is crazy the number of ways i can pretend that even despite all of the evidence to the contrary I will take any possible opportunity to pretend that maybe, just maybe i will one day be a candidate for this show. That despite the plethora of pregnancy tests within arms reach that i can take at any point in time i might somehow be pregnant without knowing it.
I am home sick today. I left work at noon with a horrible migraine and am still feeling the effects. I spent most of the afternoon yesterday completely unconscious because the light was too much for me to bear.
I have always been the victim of migraines, but ibuprofen always used to save me... now i no longer take ibuprofen on the off chance that I get pregnant, or because it might interfere with ovulation or any of the other things that we've heard. I mean if ibuprofen was really working as a birth control method then I am sure lots of teen girls would be popping that when they couldn't get the real pill. But, when you are trying to have a baby then apparently you will listen to just about any rumor that can have an impact on your ability to have a child... at least i will.
Back to the 57 year old she started to hemorrhage and was diagnosed with a miscarriage... and apparently no one bothered to check via ultrasound or pregnancy test?? Honestly... and she hemorrhages for months and no one looks to see if she's had any retained tissue? Who are these doctors?
This show both intrigues and depresses me. As a woman who is trying to get pregnant the idea that you could be pregnant for months and not notice that it was going on is a strange fantasy... and of course it leads me to play mind games every single month. Even once my period has started i ask myself... am i actually having my period? is it breakthrough bleeding? Is this period lighter than usual? It is crazy the number of ways i can pretend that even despite all of the evidence to the contrary I will take any possible opportunity to pretend that maybe, just maybe i will one day be a candidate for this show. That despite the plethora of pregnancy tests within arms reach that i can take at any point in time i might somehow be pregnant without knowing it.
Monday, 8 April 2013
Teeny Tiny Ovaries
Am I wrong? I spent all day yesterday looking for the size my ovaries should be and my conclusion is that mine are tiny. Teeny tiny. They are not pleasingly plump. This does not bode well for my future fertility does it. Ovaries start off around 10 cm each from what i can tell and as you get older they get smaller, and smaller and smaller until they shrivel up like prunes... or something like that.
As I said to my husband through tears yesterday it is not just about this pregnancy, but about the next one too. We would like two children, are we dreaming? Are we just too older for that to be possible? And now we have to wait three months before we see our doctor again and find out for sure what this all means for our chances.
Then, of course, because life likes to mock me, we are going to be on vacation in Europe for most of August. This is a combination of trips to visit my husbands family who I have never met and a week with my family in Spain. My father has terminal cancer and wants to spend time with us all before he gets too sick. But right now, in my head, it's just another month we will have to wait before we can get some treatment.
And another delay before our baby comes.
As I said to my husband through tears yesterday it is not just about this pregnancy, but about the next one too. We would like two children, are we dreaming? Are we just too older for that to be possible? And now we have to wait three months before we see our doctor again and find out for sure what this all means for our chances.
Then, of course, because life likes to mock me, we are going to be on vacation in Europe for most of August. This is a combination of trips to visit my husbands family who I have never met and a week with my family in Spain. My father has terminal cancer and wants to spend time with us all before he gets too sick. But right now, in my head, it's just another month we will have to wait before we can get some treatment.
And another delay before our baby comes.
Sunday, 7 April 2013
Rise and Shine little Antral Follicles
That's it... Day 3. And my husband and I are requested to attend the opening of the fertility clinic. 7:30 am appointment for day 3 blood work and ovarian reserve monitoring.
Right ovary has 7 follicles with a volume of 2.7
Left ovary has 8 follicles with a volume of 3.6
No fibroids (yay - that much I know is good)
A XXXX cyst. The doctor says this fast and i can't catch the word, so i'm not sure of what it means
Now, comes my date with Google as I try to figure out if any of this is good news.
I think my numbers are at the very lowest range of normal possible... is it enough?
Right ovary has 7 follicles with a volume of 2.7
Left ovary has 8 follicles with a volume of 3.6
No fibroids (yay - that much I know is good)
A XXXX cyst. The doctor says this fast and i can't catch the word, so i'm not sure of what it means
Now, comes my date with Google as I try to figure out if any of this is good news.
I think my numbers are at the very lowest range of normal possible... is it enough?
Saturday, 6 April 2013
how do I tell them?
A few months back my in-laws hit my last nerve with their constant comments that we needed to be pregnant... or that I was an irresponsible mom-to-be because I was drinking while pregnant.... as I had recently miscarried I had no ability to deal with their poorly timed barbs. I cried. They started to apologize..
On Friday night my aunt-in-law told me about someone she knew who had lots of miscarriages and then had a baby at 42 after taking baby aspirin and progesterone... how do I get the message through to them that I am not comfortable talking to them about this and they are not allowed to bring it up with me...
Anyone else struggling with nosy family?
On Friday night my aunt-in-law told me about someone she knew who had lots of miscarriages and then had a baby at 42 after taking baby aspirin and progesterone... how do I get the message through to them that I am not comfortable talking to them about this and they are not allowed to bring it up with me...
Anyone else struggling with nosy family?
Friday, 5 April 2013
Our visit to the clinic. Part the First.
First, I want to say that I think I love, love, love our RE. She is funny and nice and when she took my medical history and heard I'd had a miscarriage she said "that sucks" which to me is exactly the right thing to say, because it does and it did. And there are no right words to make it better.
I am a little annoyed that she seems to be pregnant herself, but about 4 or 5 months along... I will try not to hold this against her as she pushes her 8 month belly into my face at our next appointment.
She wants us to try, with miliatary precision for the next 3 months again. I don't know what it is about the 3 month waiting period but all the doctors seem to want to prescribe that first. It is mostly because we did get pregnant within 6 months even if it didn't stay. She was less enthusiastic about my AMH numbers than my doctor was, she thinks my doctor might have checked the wrong units, so she's ordering that again. My husband is quite relieved that his sperm is very normal and he can go back to his Y fronts.... I think the ones I bought him are much sexier... maybe i can make an argument for boxer briefs.
Right now we have blood work ordered and I have to do a follicle test on day three. So, i'm sitting here hoping my period makes an appearance early enough today that I can have the test done on Sunday morning rather than Monday. I don't want to fight through traffic to get to the clinic on a weekday if i can help it and my husband would come with me on Sunday which would be nice. I like when he's there. He makes me smile.
I don't think i've ever wanted my period to come so badly. I mean I shouldn't be hoping right, until it does there is still a chance that I could be pregnant. But I've pretty much given up that hope this month because my temperature has been a little bit lower the last couple of days. I"m pretty sure it was 36.26 this morning... but i took it in the middle of the night and i sometimes dream that I do that. And when I took it when i woke up this morning it was 36.5 but I had been awake for about 5 minutes and snuggling with my hot blooded husband. He's nice to snuggle.
We decided to go out for dinner last night to celebrate the fact that we won't have to pay for any fertility treaments for at least 3 months and we went to the Keg. The Keg is a Canadian chain that is sort of an upscale steak house. My husband ordered prime rib but instead got brought a sirloin. We only just politely asked what we had and they tried to replace his meal. I pointed out that my husband didn't really care what kind of meat he had as long as it wasn't made of soy. They sent over the manager to make sure we were ok and she comped us his meal and a dessert each for the mix up. I want to say that The Keg has the BEST customer service of any restaurant that I have ever been to. They bend over backwards to make sure you enjoy your dinner and that is one of the reasons my husband and I go so often.
Plus if you say "How are you?" they respond "I am well, Thank you for asking", which is so cute it makes me giggle.
I am a little annoyed that she seems to be pregnant herself, but about 4 or 5 months along... I will try not to hold this against her as she pushes her 8 month belly into my face at our next appointment.
She wants us to try, with miliatary precision for the next 3 months again. I don't know what it is about the 3 month waiting period but all the doctors seem to want to prescribe that first. It is mostly because we did get pregnant within 6 months even if it didn't stay. She was less enthusiastic about my AMH numbers than my doctor was, she thinks my doctor might have checked the wrong units, so she's ordering that again. My husband is quite relieved that his sperm is very normal and he can go back to his Y fronts.... I think the ones I bought him are much sexier... maybe i can make an argument for boxer briefs.
Right now we have blood work ordered and I have to do a follicle test on day three. So, i'm sitting here hoping my period makes an appearance early enough today that I can have the test done on Sunday morning rather than Monday. I don't want to fight through traffic to get to the clinic on a weekday if i can help it and my husband would come with me on Sunday which would be nice. I like when he's there. He makes me smile.
I don't think i've ever wanted my period to come so badly. I mean I shouldn't be hoping right, until it does there is still a chance that I could be pregnant. But I've pretty much given up that hope this month because my temperature has been a little bit lower the last couple of days. I"m pretty sure it was 36.26 this morning... but i took it in the middle of the night and i sometimes dream that I do that. And when I took it when i woke up this morning it was 36.5 but I had been awake for about 5 minutes and snuggling with my hot blooded husband. He's nice to snuggle.
We decided to go out for dinner last night to celebrate the fact that we won't have to pay for any fertility treaments for at least 3 months and we went to the Keg. The Keg is a Canadian chain that is sort of an upscale steak house. My husband ordered prime rib but instead got brought a sirloin. We only just politely asked what we had and they tried to replace his meal. I pointed out that my husband didn't really care what kind of meat he had as long as it wasn't made of soy. They sent over the manager to make sure we were ok and she comped us his meal and a dessert each for the mix up. I want to say that The Keg has the BEST customer service of any restaurant that I have ever been to. They bend over backwards to make sure you enjoy your dinner and that is one of the reasons my husband and I go so often.
Plus if you say "How are you?" they respond "I am well, Thank you for asking", which is so cute it makes me giggle.
Thursday, 4 April 2013
What goes well with stirrups?
Yep... .i'm nervous as hell right now.
Our appointment is today, at 1:30pm.
Gulp
Getting dressed this morning was weird. I decided on a tank top to make taking blood easy, under a jacket to keep warm and decided to go with blue jeans. I don't really work in a blue jeans kind of place. But I can go days without seeing any of my colleagues just because of what I do, and since i intentionally didn't schedule any meetings today I am sort of hanging out in my office.
I wanted to feel comfortable as I walked into the office today, or at least look like I felt comfortable, and blue jeans will do that for me i hope. My husband is leaving work today at noon and we are meeting at home to travel there together. It's a bit of a backtrack for him.... He works North of the city and we live East, but i didn't want to try to deal with two cars there, and i need him to hold my hand through today.
And I want to be able to analyze and discuss everything that is said to us in the appointment on the drive back home, not being trying to fight through both traffic and tears at the same time. Anyone been through this already? Help!!
Our appointment is today, at 1:30pm.
Gulp
Getting dressed this morning was weird. I decided on a tank top to make taking blood easy, under a jacket to keep warm and decided to go with blue jeans. I don't really work in a blue jeans kind of place. But I can go days without seeing any of my colleagues just because of what I do, and since i intentionally didn't schedule any meetings today I am sort of hanging out in my office.
I wanted to feel comfortable as I walked into the office today, or at least look like I felt comfortable, and blue jeans will do that for me i hope. My husband is leaving work today at noon and we are meeting at home to travel there together. It's a bit of a backtrack for him.... He works North of the city and we live East, but i didn't want to try to deal with two cars there, and i need him to hold my hand through today.
And I want to be able to analyze and discuss everything that is said to us in the appointment on the drive back home, not being trying to fight through both traffic and tears at the same time. Anyone been through this already? Help!!
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
Baby on Credit
If there is one thing that I knew about IVF before we started on this journey it was that this wasn't going to come cheap. We still don't know exactly what this will cost us of course, we don't know what treatments we will need. We don't know how many it will take before they are successful. So, even though we can look up and see that our fertility clinic will cost us about $1,500 for an IUI that basically tells us nothing.
My husband and I decided to go to the bank yesterday to see how much money we could arrange before our appointment at the fertility clinic tomorrow (Gulp!). I know the clinic offers financing, and no doubt they will pretty give you anything since they are filling a space in your soul and you know you will pay anything to have that baby you want so badly, but we also wanted to know, financially what our other options were. Who knows if the clinic will give you the lowest rate? Maybe it's like a credit card at 20% where you will be required to send all of your frozen embryos out to work just to pay it off.
The woman at the bank was ridiculously happy for us. "Fertility treatments! How exciting!" My guess is she is baby crazy, but still confident that her nubile body will produce the children she is going to have one day... she doesn't understand that fertility treatments are filling me with dread and fear not excitement.
She notices the title "Dr." attached to my file. I hold a PhD and it has been put on my file as such. But she mistakes it for an MD. "I think we can get you a business loan. It has a much lower interest rate."
There is nothing more ridiculous to me than the idea that our baby making be financed by a business loan. This is not an investment that is going to be paid off any time soon. This is a long term investment that is going to require repeated infusions of cash as our child struggles to define themselves throughout childhood and adolescence. Unless our child is the next Justin Bieber (and i really hope not after watching his latest string of petulant tweets) there is little hope that this baby is going to post a profit margin in the first quarter of his or her life.
My husband and I decided to go to the bank yesterday to see how much money we could arrange before our appointment at the fertility clinic tomorrow (Gulp!). I know the clinic offers financing, and no doubt they will pretty give you anything since they are filling a space in your soul and you know you will pay anything to have that baby you want so badly, but we also wanted to know, financially what our other options were. Who knows if the clinic will give you the lowest rate? Maybe it's like a credit card at 20% where you will be required to send all of your frozen embryos out to work just to pay it off.
The woman at the bank was ridiculously happy for us. "Fertility treatments! How exciting!" My guess is she is baby crazy, but still confident that her nubile body will produce the children she is going to have one day... she doesn't understand that fertility treatments are filling me with dread and fear not excitement.
She notices the title "Dr." attached to my file. I hold a PhD and it has been put on my file as such. But she mistakes it for an MD. "I think we can get you a business loan. It has a much lower interest rate."
There is nothing more ridiculous to me than the idea that our baby making be financed by a business loan. This is not an investment that is going to be paid off any time soon. This is a long term investment that is going to require repeated infusions of cash as our child struggles to define themselves throughout childhood and adolescence. Unless our child is the next Justin Bieber (and i really hope not after watching his latest string of petulant tweets) there is little hope that this baby is going to post a profit margin in the first quarter of his or her life.
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
How solving a mystery can result in pregnancy symptoms
I have no doubt that the phenomenon is well studied by any woman who is currently trying to conceive. It is almost mystical the rate at which she can develop every symptom known to affect those in early pregnancy simply by reading a list. Like the "communicated" wind turbine syndrome early pregnancy symptoms are, no doubt in my mind, completely and totally caused by the nocebo effect.
In one of my many dozens of searches I have done over the years into "early pregnancy symptoms" I once came across this sage advice:
In one of my many dozens of searches I have done over the years into "early pregnancy symptoms" I once came across this sage advice:
Remember, many pregnant women who were not trying to conceive do not
even realize they are pregnant until well into the first trimester,
meaning that symptoms are often subtle or nonexistent during the two
week wait.
Oh, yeah... that is definitely advice i need to take. It should help me to stop googling symptoms to see if that twinge in my back, that dryness in my mouth, that queasiness in my belly could herald the arrival of a baby. Of course it never does. Every month I announce to my husband "I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant. Don't you think? Do you think I could be pregnant?" He wisely nods yes and we play this game for two weeks until my period arrives and brings with it a flood of tears.
So, this month when i was convinced that I had not ovulated my boobs felt no bigger than usual for a period. The nipples did not seem to mysteriously darken in certain light (duh... that's called shadows) and my cramps seemed to be nice normal run of the mill pre-menstral cramps... gearing up for the visit by the painters on Thursday or Friday.
So, this month when i was convinced that I had not ovulated my boobs felt no bigger than usual for a period. The nipples did not seem to mysteriously darken in certain light (duh... that's called shadows) and my cramps seemed to be nice normal run of the mill pre-menstral cramps... gearing up for the visit by the painters on Thursday or Friday.
That is until I ran a single Google search yesterday at lunch: "Can ovulation be delayed after a positive OPK?" Well, as usual The Google Oracle spit out an answer and in summation the truth is that sometimes it can take as much as 3 days for your body to experience a thermal shift after ovulation has occurred. And now my pattern is definitely biphasic... which means suddenly these damn breasts seem so sore... and I can't seem to stop feeling them (making them more sore no doubt). And I'm definitely tired this morning. Really tired. And... damn... i'm playing that stupid two week wait game again.
Monday, 1 April 2013
Coming out of the IVF closet
I suspect it all starts with the taboo of sex. It is something that we aren't supposed to talk about. We sort of vaguely know that other people do "it" but we don't want to know the details. Especially when it comes to our parents.
This is of course different with girlfriends. They know I have a very raunchy sense of humour and love to joke about sex. A friend has never started the sentence "I just have to download some..." without me finishing for him "porn" even if that's not what he has in mind.
As a young woman, having her first sexual encounters my parents were the last people I wanted to find out about it. They never knew anything about my first. Even with my husband I have trouble admitting that there were men before him.
I suspect that is why it all seems so strange to have a conversation about IVF with those very people. See, sex is what is supposed to lead to babies right, and the fact that we haven't yet, even though we are "TRYING"... that's something that is hard to say to my parents. "Yes mum, even though we have sex throughout my fertile period we haven't had success". "Yes dad, we tried all of the positions designed to put your son-in-law's penis close to my cervix during ejaculation". Ug. Not a conversation I can have.
Still... through a bunch of tears I managed to choke it out over the weekend to my mother. Not the imagined conversation above... Not with that detail. But yes, that we were going to go to an IVF clinic. That it was going to cost us thousands of dollars to give them a grandchild.
I wonder if we could post it on kick-start. Anyone wanting to give a full round of IVF would have naming rights. Anyone contributing a half round of IVF would have the baby's room named after them. Anyone paying an IUI would be able to have his or her name embroidered on a bib.
This is of course different with girlfriends. They know I have a very raunchy sense of humour and love to joke about sex. A friend has never started the sentence "I just have to download some..." without me finishing for him "porn" even if that's not what he has in mind.
As a young woman, having her first sexual encounters my parents were the last people I wanted to find out about it. They never knew anything about my first. Even with my husband I have trouble admitting that there were men before him.
I suspect that is why it all seems so strange to have a conversation about IVF with those very people. See, sex is what is supposed to lead to babies right, and the fact that we haven't yet, even though we are "TRYING"... that's something that is hard to say to my parents. "Yes mum, even though we have sex throughout my fertile period we haven't had success". "Yes dad, we tried all of the positions designed to put your son-in-law's penis close to my cervix during ejaculation". Ug. Not a conversation I can have.
Still... through a bunch of tears I managed to choke it out over the weekend to my mother. Not the imagined conversation above... Not with that detail. But yes, that we were going to go to an IVF clinic. That it was going to cost us thousands of dollars to give them a grandchild.
I wonder if we could post it on kick-start. Anyone wanting to give a full round of IVF would have naming rights. Anyone contributing a half round of IVF would have the baby's room named after them. Anyone paying an IUI would be able to have his or her name embroidered on a bib.
Sunday, 31 March 2013
Not flesh of my flesh
Not flesh of my flesh
Not Bone of my bone
but still, miraculously, my own.
Not Bone of my bone
but still, miraculously, my own.
Never forget,
for even a minute
You didn't grow under my heart, but in it.
for even a minute
You didn't grow under my heart, but in it.
I love this poem. It is the adoption creed. It is beautiful. I captures everything i feel about the special little boys and girls in my life: my nieces and nephews, the children of my friends, and cousins. And yet, i know that I will love my own child even more than i love each one of these special children i have had the honour of watching grow up.
I need to say that we have not ruled out adoption. In fact, in many ways, adoption appeals to me much more than the idea of pumping my body with hormones and having the conception of my child occur in a sterile dish in a lab. I say this as a reformed scientist. It isn't a fear of technology in any way. But it is an awareness of the very clinical and impersonal start of a miraculous journey. The idea that my husband and i could be at work while our gametes are being mixed is... depressing. Baby making is supposed to be so much more fun.
Plus, there's the astronomical cost. Paying someone to shove something up my hoo-ha which cost $5000 to $12,000 to produce and then having to wait two weeks to find out if it stuck or not is more pressure than i think i can stand. And the likelihood of success is 1 in 3. I mean I wish the actual lottery had such good odds, but for baby making i wish it were better.
Adoption actual has a lot of pluses as far as I am concerned. First of all, we're a bit older than most parents of an infant. Imagine if we adopt a 2 or 3 or 7 year old. I feel like we might actually comfortably into the PTA for our children's classes.
Second, I think that my husband and I are uniquely equipped to deal with a child who needs extra love and assurance that comes from being adopted. I don't know much about it, I am willing to learn. My husband has gone through growing up without a parent as his mom moved away when he was three. He was left with a lot of scars that we worked to heal.
My husband is not quite as convinced as I am. He has this manly idea of passing his genes on to the next generation. I love to quip when he says this that his genes aren't that good. "They are! My jeans are Tommy Hilfiger"... sigh...
My husband does have a lot of reservations. What can we handle? What about special needs? What age? What sort of psychological scars will an adopted child bring? We've had some very serious discussions. He agrees with me that giving birth to a child is certainly no guarantee that our child won't have special needs of one sort or another. And going over the list there are many special needs we are well equipped to deal with. It makes him feel more confident about his ability to love this imaginary adoptive child. He even flushed one day as we drove by a Toys-R-Us. "I just imagined buying our child toys after we've adopted him" he confides. I grin with pleasure. He is becoming more comfortable with all of the ways we can use to expand our family.
So, the question then is why we are rushing head long into IVF instead of starting to adopt? In part because we don't yet qualify as adoptive parents. In order to ensure that a child is brought into a stable home it looks like in our jurisdiction we must have been in a stable relationship for 2 years before we can apply. My interpretation of this would be two years of living together, a date that is still more than a year away.
But there is certainly something else, something more that you get by going through the experience of pregnancy and childbirth.
Adoption is not the last chance after we have exhausted IVF... But we don't want to wait for another year before we try something else. We have to strike while the ovarian reserve is hot!
Hope everyone has a happy Easter with their families.
Adoption is not the last chance after we have exhausted IVF... But we don't want to wait for another year before we try something else. We have to strike while the ovarian reserve is hot!
Hope everyone has a happy Easter with their families.
Saturday, 30 March 2013
Dear BBT, WTF?
BBT:36.79 yesterdays BBT: 36.54 Thursdays BBT 36.71
So, I had a low BBT for two days following my expected ovulation, and so i mourned slightly the lost chance for getting pregnant, my bank account mourned a LOT and my bank rejoiced knowing they were going to be able to post record breaking profits as we pay a team of doctors to stare at my cervix.
Now, it seems my BBT likes to play mind games with me. For the last 3 days my temperature has been up. Why?? What does my body gain from torturing me.
Now of course things like alcohol can raise my BBT.... and I may have had a glass of wine last night... but just one! But that doesn't account for the torture of the last three days.
Has anyone else ever experienced this? Can it be a delay in ovulation? If so I'm not sure we timed the baby dance right. So did we waste our last precious month??!!
So, I had a low BBT for two days following my expected ovulation, and so i mourned slightly the lost chance for getting pregnant, my bank account mourned a LOT and my bank rejoiced knowing they were going to be able to post record breaking profits as we pay a team of doctors to stare at my cervix.
Now, it seems my BBT likes to play mind games with me. For the last 3 days my temperature has been up. Why?? What does my body gain from torturing me.
Now of course things like alcohol can raise my BBT.... and I may have had a glass of wine last night... but just one! But that doesn't account for the torture of the last three days.
Has anyone else ever experienced this? Can it be a delay in ovulation? If so I'm not sure we timed the baby dance right. So did we waste our last precious month??!!
Friday, 29 March 2013
Why some two week waits are shorter than others
Years ago I was moving back to Canada from the United States and I contracted a storage facility over the phone to rent a 5 x 10 storage locker. On moving day I pulled my U-haul truck up to the front door with all of my possessions inside and i started unloading. I took one look at the storage room and I knew there was a problem. There was no way this space was a 5 x 10. My stuff wasn't going to fit. We paced it out and the room ended up being a 4 x 8. "Listen lady", the manager told me "Some 5 x 10's are bigger than others". I refrained from asking him if he was using his penis as the measuring device.... but just barely.
This is when I first learned that standard measurements are not always that standard. My period has also learned this lesson.
When I first went to see my doctor about going to a fertility clinic she asked me if we were "trying" for a baby. I told her yes, we weren't using birth control. That is the day that I learned that trying was something completely different. And we introduced things like the basal body temperature (BBT) and the ovulation prediction kits (OPK) into our marriage and instructions from my doctor that it should be "military style"... which isn't a new position, it was her code for timed, on demand sex. She suggested this for 3 months.... if nothing stuck she would refer me to the fertility clinic.
I've since told my doctor that I've had worse prescriptions. And we try to make sure it is fun and flirty and not any of the "just shut up, i don't even want to talk to you right now, but we need to have sex because it's ovulation time" sort of sex that I've heard of from other people I know.
Military style though has made one thing very clear to me. My two week wait is shorter than others. It seems to go from 9 - 10 days. Which is on the very cusp of having a luteal phase defect according the The Google. See the Luteal Phase is the time in your cycle where you have progesterone coursing through your body and it allows the fertilized egg to implant in your lining. It is normally 10 - 14 days, though most common is 14 days. Anything shorter than 10 days is considered to be a defect which can prevent the implantation of the egg. This was a bit of a revelation for me, and something I never would have found out without all of the joys of sticking a thermometer in my mouth before kissing my husband in the mornings.
The Google of course had suggestions. Apparently "some people" report a lengthening of the luteal phase with vitamin B6. I'm always somewhat suspicious of anything that says "some people", but since there doesn't seem to be any toxicity i can find associated with vitamin B6 I am trying it for the first time on this cycle. We will see if it makes a difference.
I am of course hoping that this apparent Luteal phase defect is the cause of our infertility. The cure seems to be straight forward... throw a little progesterone on and you can fix anything. Of course the testing required to make that diagnosis official is probably awful. It seems to involve biopsies and needles stuck through places I don't want needles to go.
I don't know how I feel about herbal medicines. I am trained as a scientist. I want to see results and studies done with proper controls... but I also can't help but think... "well, what if it is that
easy, just take a few vitamins..."
Especially since I don't think there is any chance of being pregnant this month.
easy, just take a few vitamins..."
Especially since I don't think there is any chance of being pregnant this month.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
I guess the chicken comes first...
Basal Body Temperature: 36.27
In the old riddle "which comes first the chicken or the egg" you know if your BBT doesn't rise there is no egg. Therefore, the chicken comes first.
I had harboured these secret unrealistic hopes and wishes that somehow we would squeak one in. That I would go meet our reproductive endocrinologist and she would order blood work that would reveal their services were not necessary because we were already pregnant. That will not happen.
So, in a bid for silver linings I am happy that we will not have a baby born too close to Christmas, because that always sucks.. plus we were sort of thinking of doing Christmas in Florida this year and waking up to sunshine instead of snow.
In the old riddle "which comes first the chicken or the egg" you know if your BBT doesn't rise there is no egg. Therefore, the chicken comes first.
I had harboured these secret unrealistic hopes and wishes that somehow we would squeak one in. That I would go meet our reproductive endocrinologist and she would order blood work that would reveal their services were not necessary because we were already pregnant. That will not happen.
So, in a bid for silver linings I am happy that we will not have a baby born too close to Christmas, because that always sucks.. plus we were sort of thinking of doing Christmas in Florida this year and waking up to sunshine instead of snow.
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Did I or didn't I...
Temperature: 36.22 or 36.77
Last night was a late night. Very late.
I woke up this morning in time for work... took my temperature and fell asleep while doing it. The beeping of the thermometer woke up me... it said 36.22. But... was it actually in the right place, under my tongue, or was it off to the side as my tongue lolled out of my mouth.
Then... when I woke up again and the reading on the temperature was 36.77. This is higher than normal for my BBT post ovulation. But I don't know if i was asleep long enough after getting out of bed for it to be my BBT. Actually it is higher than normal for my non-basal body temperature. So, i am left in doubt.. .did i? or didn't i?
I know that you can have an LH surge from the ovulation kits and not actually produce an egg. So, I don't know yet if have a chance to get pregnant this month or not. I will have to wait until tomorrow. I don't want to wait until tomorrow.
UPDATE: when I got home from work I noticed that you can get almost a 1 C temperature drop if you take your temperature with your mouth open. So I am keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow.
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