A little grossness for your day

May I begin this post with:  EWWWWWWW

It's amazing the things you will read sometimes.  Believe me, when I clicked on this article I actually thought it was going to be cocktails I could give my husband to improve his semen for conception.  I expected it to have things like wheat grass and zinc and not... well... what it has.

I am home sick again today.  The weather here is giving me horrible migraines off and on.  I am trying not to take any drugs, but I will be happy when the storm system clears our area.  My husband has also taken today off sick.  For me being sick still means I have to get work done.  I'm currently on a contract and so I don't actually have things like sick days and vacation time.  But I do have a really fabulous boss and a very flexible work environment.  I am doing some research that I can do at home just as easily as in the office and it allows me to control the light better and lay down when my head gets especially bad.

My second set of blood work came yesterday so my darling husband and I may go out and get that done this afternoon.  I would rather get my TSH done right away just in case there is a problem.  I think that with having had an adrenal gland removed already I am more susceptible to things like Hashimoto's disease and hypothyroidism because my hormones are unbalanced and my poor right adrenal gland has to work all the time and never gets to take weekends off the way your adrenal gland does.  For me there is always the threat of adrenal insufficiency and death if i get run down.

We also have to have our communicable disease blood work done.  I am not concerned about this, i know we will both pass with flying colours, but does anyone know what happens to couples who have something like syphillis or hepC?  Are they not allowed to use assisted reproductive technologies (ART) or does the staff just use special precautions when dealing with  samples from that couple?  My understanding is that it has much more to do with the handling of biohazards than anything else.

When I did research my last project that I worked on was on the bacteria that caused syphillis.  So hypothetically contracting syphillis was a workplace hazard... just me and the streetwalkers can say that!  We actually had one of the lab techs stab herself in the finger with a needle filled with syphillis once.  Imagine having to go home to your husband and explain that one.  Fortunately I never suffered and injuries of this sort.  So we should be good to go for IUI when our time comes.

Our visit to the clinic. Part the First.

First, I want to say that I think I love, love, love our RE.  She is funny and nice and when she took my medical history and heard I'd had a miscarriage she said "that sucks" which to me is exactly the right thing to say, because it does and it did.  And there are no right words to make it better.

I am a little annoyed that she seems to be pregnant herself, but about 4 or 5 months along... I will try not to hold this against her as she pushes her 8 month belly into my face at our next appointment.

She wants us to try, with miliatary precision for the next 3 months again.  I don't know what it is about the 3 month waiting period but all the doctors seem to want to prescribe that first.  It is mostly because we did get pregnant within 6 months even if it didn't stay.  She was less enthusiastic about my AMH numbers than my doctor was, she thinks my doctor might have checked the wrong units, so she's ordering that again.  My husband is quite relieved that his sperm is very normal and he can go back to his Y fronts.... I think the ones I bought him are much sexier... maybe i can make an argument for boxer briefs.

Right now we have blood work ordered and I have to do a follicle test on day three.  So, i'm sitting here hoping my period makes an appearance early enough today that I can have the test done on Sunday morning rather than Monday.  I don't want to fight through traffic to get to the clinic on a weekday if i can help it and my husband would come with me on Sunday which would be nice.  I like when he's there.  He makes me smile. 

I don't think i've ever wanted my period to come so badly.  I mean I shouldn't be hoping right, until it does there is still a chance that I could be pregnant.  But I've pretty much given up that hope this month because my temperature has been a little bit lower the last couple of days.  I"m pretty sure it was 36.26 this morning... but i took it in the middle of the night and i sometimes dream that I do that.  And when I took it when i woke up this morning it was 36.5 but I had been awake for about 5 minutes and snuggling with my hot blooded husband.   He's nice to snuggle.

We decided to go out for dinner last night to celebrate the fact that we won't have to pay for any fertility treaments for at least 3 months and we went to the Keg.  The Keg is a Canadian chain that is sort of an upscale steak house.  My husband ordered prime rib but instead got brought a sirloin.  We only just politely asked what we had and they tried to replace his meal.  I pointed out that my husband didn't really care what kind of meat he had as long as it wasn't made of soy.  They sent over the manager to make sure we were ok and she comped us his meal and a dessert each for the mix up.  I want to say that The Keg has the BEST customer service of any restaurant that I have ever been to.  They bend over backwards to make sure you enjoy your dinner and that is one of the reasons my husband and I go so often.

Plus if you say "How are you?" they respond "I am well, Thank you for asking", which is so cute it makes me giggle. 

Procreation versus Recreation

I told my husband over breakfast today that we never need to have sex again.  He made me explain myself.  I pointed out that any further actions my husband and I take in procreating will be facilitated by doctors and speculums and needles... oh my!  Therefore we didn't NEED to have sex ever again.

My husband looked at me with an arched brow "Really?" 

Well, of course not.  My husband knows me well enough to know better than that.  But as I point out, after nearly a year of focusing on the procreation from here on out we can just consider everything to be recreation.  

"It's good right?  You'll know that I'm not using you for sperm anymore... I'm just using you for sex." 

The idea of having a baby has definitely had an impact on how we view sex.  For a few days every month there isn't the option of if.  Or which position.  Or what time of day.  Everything has to be planned.  And there needs to be enough time afterwards for me to practice my hanging upside down yoga.  (I actually have no idea if there actually is any improvement in pregnancy rates for women who contort their bodies after sex.  But it sure decreases cuddling.)

Now, we can go back to the way things were before right?  I mean just because we don't have to be in the same place when we conceive our child... but we can sure make sure that we are together when we practice. 

We celebrated by being a bit late for work this morning.

Semen Analysis day has arrived!

I don't think people who need fertility clinics are supposed to live in the suburbs.  See, suburbs are where you go when your family has outgrown your chic city flat and you want a back garden for your wee ones to run around in while mummy sips ceasars on the back deck.

We live in the suburbs.  This was especially irritating today when my husband had to present himself at the fertility clinic for his 7:30... errr... test.  And because it was his first visit he had to be at the hospital front desk by 7:00 to be registered and get a hospital card.  That's an hour from our house.  We are not morning people.

We were talking about his test last night.  I didn't know what to say... do I wish him luck?  Tell him to have fun?  It all seems a bit odd when he's about to make love to a plastic cup.

I can't help but be curious about the set up.  In my mind it should be red brocade like some den of inequity from Victorian England.  I expect stripper poles and video tapes (yup... i don't expect a dvd player for some reason), and probably even some curtain you can pull back for a peep show.   I basically think the man's side of the fertility clinic should share a wall with a strip club.  It might help to keep them interested.

Instead, it is reportedly a basic hospital exam room with some magazines spread on the doctor's desk.  My husband elected to bring his own visual aids... he downloaded a movie into his smart phone last night so that he wouldn't have to flip through the dog eared copies... although i find myself curious as to how old the magazines are.  Do they buy new ones every month?  Or have the same copies been there for decades.  And  why did he have to be there so early?  Is it really just a regular doctor's office from 9-5 and whichever doctor emptied the coffee pot without making fresh coffee yesterday is punished by having his or her office assigned to the early morning fertility men? 

I find myself sort of hoping that they will find our fertility issues are just because of my husband's previously too tight underpants.

Man Testing and New Clothing Trends.

My god that was fast.  It feels fast.  Really fast.  My husband called and left a message on Friday as we ate breakfast for his testing appointment.  By lunch time we knew that he was going to be visiting the clinic for his first test on Wednesday.  Yup this wednesday.  It seems super fast given how long i thought everything was going to take. 

I mean this isn't the BIG appointment.  Although we should know sometime this week when the BIG appointment is going to be.  They called last week to get my husbands health information and said they would be calling back this week with the BIG appointment.

But this Wednesday my husband goes for his solo appointment... which means that as of 7:30 this morning we are under a no contact ordinance.  I feel like I'm back in high school or something, or early dating days... which of course sort of makes you want something more, the forbidden fruit.  But, nope... not allowed. 

My husband has also been wearing his fancy new underpants all weekend.. and I have to say that he is not loving the experience.  Right now he is trying to get used to the fact that they ride up so much... And if they ride up aren't they defeating the purpose?

He loves me though that man.. he loves me and the idea of starting a family with me so much that is willing to keep trying out the fancy new underpants.  But I can promise you that he is hoping to hear back really soon from the fertility clinic that his boys are such fast swimmers that they really should be encased in his old style of underpants just to slow them down enough that they don't hurt me in the process of trying to conceive. 

My husband does fit all of the hallmarks of men who are going to have motility issues... he sits all day, he wears the tight-whites, he is not the greatest of exercisers... am i wrong to make him switch preemptively?  Should i be more patient and just wait to find out? 

Brand new fancy underpants!

I think I did a bad thing.  My poor darling husband received a gift yesterday.  On my way home from work I made a bit of a detour and purchased him some fancy new underpants.  See, my husband... well... I am about to out him as a tighty-whitey man.  At least, he was until yesterday.

This morning he is wearing his brand new fancy underpants - boxers.  For anyone familiar with the whole process of assisted fertility they know that one reason for problems in achieving conception can be sperm motility.  There.  I said it.  And sperm motility can be reduced by the dreaded tighty-whitey.  This is because the underpants keep the scrotum closer to the body and increases the temperature.  A higher temperature means lower motility. 

As I mentioned my poor darling husband hasn't had his testing done yet.  But, I'm aware that if he does have a problem with mobility then it will take about 3 months of wearing the much looser fitting garments to get his swimmers back up to par with the cooler nether-region.  Now, let me do the math.  We are told it will be about 2 months until we get our fertility clinic referral.  Imagine if there is a problem with his swimmers.... then we have to wait 3 months after that to increase the motility.   that means 5 months from now at least which puts me past 40 which makes me feel even twitchier.

This is where my being crafty makes my husband suffer.  I reasoned with him that if we switch now, by the time we find out he has a problem he will be pretty much ready to make another donation and see if the problem has resolved itself.  Then I kissed him... a lot.

I'm hoping the kisses will make it better for him as he tries to keep his new vestments pulled down.  I have promised that if the tests show that if there isn't a motility problem then he can switch back.  We'll even bring a pair of his beloved underwear to the doctor's appointment so he can change in the bathroom before we go home.

"Not to worry" he said as he kissed me gently.  "I might find I like it better."

The requisition form is here... and it is funny.

See, it's things like last night that make me feel like I am only about 25.  It certainly isn't the look at the mirror, it is the far more frequent fits of giggles that occur inside my head at ridiculous juvenile things.  I am pretty sure other 39 year old's aren't supposed to act like this.  The requisition form came for my husbands tests, and instead of being mature and being able to act like an adult the 13 year old inside of me poked at the form and laughed.

First of all,  my husband will not be allowed to take an afternoon off work.  Nope.  The clinic is open from 7:15 until 8:30 am.  So not only will he have to go to work after, in what every woman knows is a ridiculous drowsy time for a man, but he will have to get up extra early to make it to the clinic.  Something he is not going to be happy about. 

And he certainly can't do the deed at home and bring the sample in.  We live too far away.  You have to get the sample in to the lab within 30 minutes.  With the traffic in this city that isn't going to happen.  But the clinic does offer standard advice to men who are close enough.  I am sure there are many who feel awkward about sitting in a waiting room, knowing what is going on behind those cubicle doors.  And it can't help a guy to know that when they are called to go into the cubicle that every man in the waiting room will know what they are going to do.

See, motility of sperm is lost at 4C.  And in fertility testing the motility is one of the three things they look at: motility, viability and morphology.  So, in the winter time if you feel uncomfortable uh... not being the master of your domain in public you can't just go around carrying your sperm at arm's length when you bring it in.  Nope.  You gotta stick it in your arm pit.  This is what made me fall to the floor laughing.  Imagine getting stopped by cops and frisked and them discovering a vial strapped to your arm pit.  I think it is a good thing we live too far away from the clinic to make this viable... I would never be able to face my coworkers knowing my husband was fighting his way through downtown traffic with sperm in his pit. 

(Ok, it isn't just your arm pit that is suggested... you can also put it in a pocket... but the armpit thing... hilarious right??)

The clinic also does not answer the phone.  The instructions are very clear.  Leave one message.  We will call you back.  And they aren't open Fridays.  At least not for specimen collection.  Only Mondays through Thursdays.  I asked my husband to remember to call.  I tried to do it nicely so as not to nag.  And then suggested he might actually just do it from home so he doesn't have to leave a message while at his workplace saying he is requiring sperm motility testing. 

I confess this last part was not so much for his benefit as for my own assurance that he would actually do it.  So he has called.... now we wait for the call back, which might not happen until next week. 

Not to worry... totally not obsessed with moving this thing forward.. nope...

The first phone call.

Yay!  Something happened!  We got the "First Phone Call".  I feel like finally it is a step forward...

It isn't the call from our fertility clinic.  That phone call I am led to believe will be at least 2 months away.  (No problem... i am known for being patient... by those who have never met me anyway.)  Nope, this is the phone call for my husband.  He has to go in for some "testing".  Anyone else on that journey knows what that means.

I know that this can't be an easy step for a guy.  He must be filled with the same anxiety that I am... that he is the reason that we aren't "up the duff" yet.  Can his boys (and girls) swim?  Time will tell.  He will have to take time off work to do the sort of thing that is generally frowned on in a public building.  Of course i think he might be looking forward to that a little too much.

He tells me that he thinks it is too clinical, that he doesn't feel anxious about it and he doesn't think i should go to the office for the test. I mean may be that's a weird thing to suggest?  Does a guy want his wife outside the door while he's leafing through magazines?  It might make him think about living with his mom as a teenager.  And that might stop anyone from... errr... producing a sample.

Even this teeny-tiny step isn't straight forward.  My doctor's office needs him to get a hospital card from the hospital they are affiliated with before they can send out the requisition so that he can make a call to book an appointment to have his sperm tested.  Easy.

I have decided that the hurdles they make you jump through in the process of getting pregnant are designed to test your patients and see if you are indeed capable of parenting a teenager.

Fortunately,  we are 1/2 way there.  He has the card, or at least he once did, so he is in the system.  The paperwork is in the mail.  Yay.

Hurdle 1 down.... 1,857,983 more to go.