I can't relax. I've been here before. I've progressed this far into my pregnancy only to have it end.
There are so many reasons this was not supposed to happen, and so many reasons to expect that it won't last.
1) I have Cushing's disease, which causes infertility. It is a disease in which a tumor on your pituitary or adrenal gland makes you pump out so much cortisol coursing through your body that everything else kind of stops working properly. It also causes weight gain, facial hair, messed up hormones, diabetes, high blood pressure, acanthosis nigricans, wow... it's so fun... it's also so rare that we have the distinction of being an episode of House. Season 1, episode 16 "Heavy".
2) I have a 10 day luteal phase. I have been taking Vitamin B6 for about 6 weeks. This month was the first full month where I had taken B6 throughout my cycle. Did it help? do I have to become a vitamin believer now?
3) I have hypothyroidism. This is likely due to the excess glucocorticosteroids from the cushing's. After the removal of the adrenal (non cancercous) tumor it is necessary to be continuously observed for Hasimoto's disease.
4) I am nearly 40. Ah the joys of advanced maternal age... Even if I progress through this pregnancy I won't be able to relax for months.
5) There was no LH surge this month. I tested. I tested the crap out of my pee this month. I was like a scientist as soon as I woke up every freaking morning. There was hardly any CM. There was only a most minor of temperature shifts compared to normal... usually I take my temp when i wake up about 4 in the morning. It is usually 36.2 for pre ovulation, 36.6 for post ovulation. This month it was 36.4... It wasn't until about cycle day 30 when it suddenly shifted to 36.6 then 36.8 where it sits right now.
So far this pregnancy has been completely different from the last one. No implantation bleeding, no spotting. So far I feel like I am in a perpetual state of pms cramps. And fatigue... but part of that may just be because I haven't slept much... I am too busy checking my body for signs and symptoms that the pregnancy is still here... I know that different is good... different is better... maybe this one is different enough to stay.
I also feel guilty right now, that this has happened for me, at least for now, and so many people who have worked so much harder are still working, are still wishing and hoping for their dream.
Thank you all for your good wishes... I am hoping and wishing fervently that the same thing happens for you, and soon.
I'm still holding my breath.. I am afraid to exhale....
Definitely don't feel guilty, this is great news! I too have a tumor on my pituitary gland, but was not aware of cushings disease. Also is b6 supposed to help short luteal phases?
ReplyDeleteAccording to the internet B6 can help lengthen a luteal phase by a few days. I was worried enough that I tried it out... and there are people who swear it works.... There's not really concrete data on it. As a scientist I generally reject musings on the internet, but as someone who really wanted to have a baby I was willing to try anything that wasn't going to hurt my chances, and based on what I read B6 fell into that category.
DeleteMy cushing's was caused by a tumor on the adrenal glad, and the tumor was secreting an excess of cortisol... the tests for this process include collecting your urine for a 24 hour period and having it tested. Dexamethasone suppresion tests, blood tests, saliva tests... it isn't the tumor that makes it cushing's it is the elevated hormones that it can cause. For me the biggest indicator was a loss of diurnal cycle which mean that my blood cortisol level was just as high at 4pm as it was at 8am. The level is supposed to drop. I wouldn't wish cushing's on anyone. But if you are experiencing any of the other symptoms definitely talk to your doctor. I would have thought they would look at the possibility of cushing's as soon as a tumor was found, but then again I find doctor's can be very stupid. There is a sense in the cushing's communtity that since the disease is considered "rare" many doctor's will automatically dismiss it as a diagnosis for a patient who has all the symptoms because they are taught no one will really have it... so they keep the diagnosis rates falsely low as a result. Let me know if you want any more information on it.
Don't feel guilty, though I know it's hard not to. Whether you work a lot or a little, it's still a miracle when it happens, and it's something to be celebrated! I do think different is good, and I hope it means that this is the sticky baby you've been dreaming about =) Sending lots of sticky dust your way!
ReplyDeleteThank you... I am hoping this is the crazy glue of babies right now... and still don't believe it is real at all.
DeleteDon't hold your breath... keep BREATHING! In and out, in and out... one little second at a time. You're taking care of yourself, and that's all you can do. The rest is up to fate. Hang in there...
ReplyDeleteOh- don't feel guilty... you deserve this miracle as much as anyone!
Thank you so much for saying so... Every day is a little bit closer.
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