I had a dental appointment today. Typical cleaning. The dental hygenist told me it was time for x-rays.... was there any chance I might be pregnant?
I realized right then, in that second I still had a glimmer of hope. Even though i didn't see any LH surge this month i still had a small glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe I some how missed it.
"There's a chance", I hear myself replying, hoping, wishing.
Is a there chance? My temperature has been higher than normal but not as high as post ovulation normally is... and so I find myself clinging desperately to the hope that maybe somehow it still happened.
Right now I am clinging to this hope.
Tomorrow is the calculated due date of the pregnancy I lost. Tomorrow, or even right this second, I was supposed to be welcoming my baby into this world. Holding her for the first time, handing him to my husband for a photo. I am feeling raw this weekend... this wasn't how May was supposed to start.
And, with my luck and raw nerves tomorrow will be the day I give up this last glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe I turned down the x-rays for a reason.
I'm so sorry that tomorrow will not be the joyful occasion it should have been. Sending you lots of strength and hugs. I am hoping that your hope is actually reality, and you won't be able to have any X-rays any time soon!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I am thinking about you lots.
ReplyDeleteHere from LFCA. I'm sorry that you are approaching your due date anniversary. Our one year anniversary of the first of two of these is this Friday, the 10th. I had a pretty hard time last year, so if you want to read some raw poems (as I wasn't blogging then but wrote some of them to try and act as a catharsis), go to the Poems page (they are linked to on there) on my blog.
ReplyDeleteI've decided this year that I'm going to bake a cake for my wife and I to acknowledge and remember our wee babe. My brother and SIL had a baby a week after our due date, so it will be her 1st birthday celebration on the 18th. It's looking to be quite a big family event, and I'm kinda dreading it. Part of me thinks that if it was me, I'd acknowledge my SIL's loss on the day in front of everyone. But maybe I'm just weird? Our family is very open about everything, but no one ever mentions our lost babies on days like that, and it's obvious that where their gorgeous girl is, there's an empty space next to her. So I'm hoping the remembrance cake first will help me to feel less...whatever it is I'm feeling.
I really hope you get some special good news this week.