I had a dental appointment today. Typical cleaning. The dental hygenist told me it was time for x-rays.... was there any chance I might be pregnant?
I realized right then, in that second I still had a glimmer of hope. Even though i didn't see any LH surge this month i still had a small glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe I some how missed it.
"There's a chance", I hear myself replying, hoping, wishing.
Is a there chance? My temperature has been higher than normal but not as high as post ovulation normally is... and so I find myself clinging desperately to the hope that maybe somehow it still happened.
Right now I am clinging to this hope.
Tomorrow is the calculated due date of the pregnancy I lost. Tomorrow, or even right this second, I was supposed to be welcoming my baby into this world. Holding her for the first time, handing him to my husband for a photo. I am feeling raw this weekend... this wasn't how May was supposed to start.
And, with my luck and raw nerves tomorrow will be the day I give up this last glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe I turned down the x-rays for a reason.
Showing posts with label patience required. Show all posts
Showing posts with label patience required. Show all posts
Saturday, 4 May 2013
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
Empty Circle means empty uterus
When i was responding to comments on my blog yesterday I was struck by two comments... one person suggested that the circle was a fill in the blank... leaving us to put our own emotions on the lack of ovulation. Another suggested that it was because it best expresses how you feel with negative test after negative test... that empty feeling inside. As a result all I can think now is that the emptiness of that circle will lead to another emptiness in two weeks time.
Despite the continuing negative tests and the absolute lack of a faint line at all on any ovulation test at all I am playing the second guessing game:
1) did i miss it?
2) is it going to happen late?
3) did it happen early?
4) maybe I didn't do it right?
5) my boobs are sore, so I must have ovulated right?
6) my BBT is a little higher than normal but not as high as post ovulation - what could THAT mean?
7) maybe I am already pregnant, and what I thought was my period was actually just break through bleeding and i watched this show where this woman didn't know she was pregnant until she actually gave birth so it could totally happen even though there was a wand looking at my uterus on day 3 of this cycle and they took blood and they saw follicles growing for my next cycle... it could still happen right?
I sometimes wonder if delusions is a symptom of infertility. I so desperately want to be pregnant that I am willing to play mind games and engage in a complete suspension of disbelief. But, I should probably accept the reality... this is not going to be my month. But, to be honest, I'm still going to play the maybe it happened game.
Despite the continuing negative tests and the absolute lack of a faint line at all on any ovulation test at all I am playing the second guessing game:
1) did i miss it?
2) is it going to happen late?
3) did it happen early?
4) maybe I didn't do it right?
5) my boobs are sore, so I must have ovulated right?
6) my BBT is a little higher than normal but not as high as post ovulation - what could THAT mean?
7) maybe I am already pregnant, and what I thought was my period was actually just break through bleeding and i watched this show where this woman didn't know she was pregnant until she actually gave birth so it could totally happen even though there was a wand looking at my uterus on day 3 of this cycle and they took blood and they saw follicles growing for my next cycle... it could still happen right?
I sometimes wonder if delusions is a symptom of infertility. I so desperately want to be pregnant that I am willing to play mind games and engage in a complete suspension of disbelief. But, I should probably accept the reality... this is not going to be my month. But, to be honest, I'm still going to play the maybe it happened game.
Thursday, 18 April 2013
Social Ninja
I used to date this guy, many years ago, called Nick. At the time I thought he would be the man that I would end up with. We shared a dark sense of humor. We are no longer in touch, and I am a bit sad for this, not because I have any romantic feelings or feelings of having missed my chance with him. Just because he was a funny, smart, interesting person to count in my life.
Nick used to describe himself as a Social Ninja. He was a bit...err... socially awkward and loved to make others around him feel as socially awkward as he did. On more than one occasion, while at a party amid the laughter and the fun he would suddenly blurt out "My father died last year". In fairness to Nick, his father had, in fact, died last year. He wasn't lying or anything. But it wasn't that he was suddenly overwhelmed by a need to be comforted. He just loved to see the reaction when in middle of a night of fun and drinking people suddenly had to cope with an uncomfortable truth. That every night isn't about fun and laughter. That people do die. And that life does suck sometimes.
I was thinking about Nick because I feel like I have become this same social ninja. Although i my case it actually isn't because of a desire to make others feel uncomfortable, rather, it is simply because I am trying to protect myself.
I have been married for less than a year. Nine months and 17 days to be exact. But, those nine months have been among the last 9 months of my thirties and this information is not lost on anyone. I have alluded briefly to the ongoing struggles with my in-laws who are hoping everyday that we make a pregnancy announcement.
My husband's cousin and his wife conceived within the first two months... her advice to me was to drink a bottle of wine and forget about it... (uh.. .yeah... thanks... tried that... come back when you have gone through a loss, when you have gone through months of negative tests... sorry, but you aren't an expert).
A very dear friend asked me at New Years why I wasn't drinking... "Are you pregnant?" she asked hopefully... i looked down and away and said no.
We have dinner nearly every Friday with my in-laws and I have been consuming less and less wine everytime... but, still, there is always a small amount of wine in my glass as part of the prayers.
The day that we learned my hcg levels were dropping was a Friday. We went to our dinner, tears held in check by sheer tenacity, and I was surrounded by the pregnant bellies of two in-laws. We ate our meal, smiled artificial smiles. We said nothing. We got into our car and I cried the whole way home. The next day the miscarriage started. At the time I was determined to be stoic, to not tell anyone of our missed chance at a family. Those days are gone.
One night my in-laws seemed to think it was funny to chide me about not being pregnant yet by teasing me that I was drinking while I was 'pregnant'. "I'm not pregnant". But it stuck and became an in-joke.
Every week. "She's pregnant! What a bad mom stop drinking" "I'm not."
"She's pregnant! You are so irresponsible drinking while you are pregnant" "Please stop"
"She's pregnant!"
Then I lost it...
I became a social ninja and finally understood Nick. "Stop it, stop. It isn't funny. It's hard and we've tried and you need to stop. We've already lost one and it is worse when you laugh about it."
They have stopped teasing me, but the social ninja inside remains ever alert. Now when someone tells me that my husband and I "need to get on with it" I tell them about my miscarriage.
My goal is to make them aware of how incredibly painful what they are saying is by making them feel uncomfortable. Making them aware that if a couple doesn't have children they either don't want them or can't have them for some reason, and that this is not a topic of conversation for the casual acquaintance.
It is not graceful or elegant... but then neither am I.
Nick used to describe himself as a Social Ninja. He was a bit...err... socially awkward and loved to make others around him feel as socially awkward as he did. On more than one occasion, while at a party amid the laughter and the fun he would suddenly blurt out "My father died last year". In fairness to Nick, his father had, in fact, died last year. He wasn't lying or anything. But it wasn't that he was suddenly overwhelmed by a need to be comforted. He just loved to see the reaction when in middle of a night of fun and drinking people suddenly had to cope with an uncomfortable truth. That every night isn't about fun and laughter. That people do die. And that life does suck sometimes.
I was thinking about Nick because I feel like I have become this same social ninja. Although i my case it actually isn't because of a desire to make others feel uncomfortable, rather, it is simply because I am trying to protect myself.
I have been married for less than a year. Nine months and 17 days to be exact. But, those nine months have been among the last 9 months of my thirties and this information is not lost on anyone. I have alluded briefly to the ongoing struggles with my in-laws who are hoping everyday that we make a pregnancy announcement.
My husband's cousin and his wife conceived within the first two months... her advice to me was to drink a bottle of wine and forget about it... (uh.. .yeah... thanks... tried that... come back when you have gone through a loss, when you have gone through months of negative tests... sorry, but you aren't an expert).
A very dear friend asked me at New Years why I wasn't drinking... "Are you pregnant?" she asked hopefully... i looked down and away and said no.
We have dinner nearly every Friday with my in-laws and I have been consuming less and less wine everytime... but, still, there is always a small amount of wine in my glass as part of the prayers.
The day that we learned my hcg levels were dropping was a Friday. We went to our dinner, tears held in check by sheer tenacity, and I was surrounded by the pregnant bellies of two in-laws. We ate our meal, smiled artificial smiles. We said nothing. We got into our car and I cried the whole way home. The next day the miscarriage started. At the time I was determined to be stoic, to not tell anyone of our missed chance at a family. Those days are gone.
One night my in-laws seemed to think it was funny to chide me about not being pregnant yet by teasing me that I was drinking while I was 'pregnant'. "I'm not pregnant". But it stuck and became an in-joke.
Every week. "She's pregnant! What a bad mom stop drinking" "I'm not."
"She's pregnant! You are so irresponsible drinking while you are pregnant" "Please stop"
"She's pregnant!"
Then I lost it...
I became a social ninja and finally understood Nick. "Stop it, stop. It isn't funny. It's hard and we've tried and you need to stop. We've already lost one and it is worse when you laugh about it."
They have stopped teasing me, but the social ninja inside remains ever alert. Now when someone tells me that my husband and I "need to get on with it" I tell them about my miscarriage.
My goal is to make them aware of how incredibly painful what they are saying is by making them feel uncomfortable. Making them aware that if a couple doesn't have children they either don't want them or can't have them for some reason, and that this is not a topic of conversation for the casual acquaintance.
It is not graceful or elegant... but then neither am I.
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Helicopters everywhere!
I often wonder if when I become a mother, what sort of Mother will I be. The women who does the cleaning for our building has a teenaged daughter and the more I talk to her the clearer it becomes that she is a helicopter parents. Today she is asking me for any sort of graphs, or figures that her daughter can use in a homework assignment. The mother isn't really clear on the requirements for the assignment. And she has been given multiple examples of graphs, but thinks that some of them are too complicated for her daughter.
I've suggested using The Google to find statistics on Justin Beiber (although most of them yield mocking statistics on Justin Beiber's ego or lyrics) that way she will be interested in actually doing her homework. Seems to me that the cleaning woman is more concerned about getting her daughters work done that her daughter is.
The receptionist for my department has a son in university. She spends most of her time worrying about whether he will get enough to eat, she reminds him to study for his exams. She drives to pick him up on weekends. She does his laundry. She has found him a summer job.
I worry about this. As someone who may be limited to just one child, as someone who may be spending thousands upon thousands to make that child a reality, as someone who has built a lot of hopes and dreams into our future child will I be a helicopter parent?
I have spoken with someone who works with students in a university and college situation and says the biggest problem they are facing today is that students don't know how to fail. They are used to having their parents do their homework and tell them how and when to get their assignments done. By the time students get to higher education they don't know how to do for themselves.
I was not raised by helicopter parents. I found my own jobs. I failed tests. I ran up credit card debt and had to work and sacrifice to pay it off. I paid for my own education. Now, I am an obstinate, stubborn strong person... in both good ways and bad. But I think a lot of my strength comes from being forced to find my own path and pay the consequences for my decisions.
I hope that my husband and I will be strong enough to resist the urge to be helicopter parents. I hope that we will be able to resist doing everything for our child, but that we can still be close enough to protect them.
I think it is a harder fight for me because of the struggles we are going through to conceive than it would be for someone that it happens easily for. Then again, you look at the world today and it is easy to want to wrap your children in bubble wrap and keep them hidden from the evils of the world.
My thoughts are with those in Boston.
I've suggested using The Google to find statistics on Justin Beiber (although most of them yield mocking statistics on Justin Beiber's ego or lyrics) that way she will be interested in actually doing her homework. Seems to me that the cleaning woman is more concerned about getting her daughters work done that her daughter is.
The receptionist for my department has a son in university. She spends most of her time worrying about whether he will get enough to eat, she reminds him to study for his exams. She drives to pick him up on weekends. She does his laundry. She has found him a summer job.
I worry about this. As someone who may be limited to just one child, as someone who may be spending thousands upon thousands to make that child a reality, as someone who has built a lot of hopes and dreams into our future child will I be a helicopter parent?
I have spoken with someone who works with students in a university and college situation and says the biggest problem they are facing today is that students don't know how to fail. They are used to having their parents do their homework and tell them how and when to get their assignments done. By the time students get to higher education they don't know how to do for themselves.
I was not raised by helicopter parents. I found my own jobs. I failed tests. I ran up credit card debt and had to work and sacrifice to pay it off. I paid for my own education. Now, I am an obstinate, stubborn strong person... in both good ways and bad. But I think a lot of my strength comes from being forced to find my own path and pay the consequences for my decisions.
I hope that my husband and I will be strong enough to resist the urge to be helicopter parents. I hope that we will be able to resist doing everything for our child, but that we can still be close enough to protect them.
I think it is a harder fight for me because of the struggles we are going through to conceive than it would be for someone that it happens easily for. Then again, you look at the world today and it is easy to want to wrap your children in bubble wrap and keep them hidden from the evils of the world.
My thoughts are with those in Boston.
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Money, Money, Money... it's a rich man's world
My husband and I never fight.... truly... never... but tonight was a different story. Money is of course foremost in our minds these days. We have some debts of course... and they all stem to a single event. Our wedding.
Our wedding was beautiful.. complete with horse drawn carriage and a wedding by a pond. But was this because I was a demanding diva from hell insisting on everything being perfect? Uh.. not a chance. I was pushing to elope but my husband needed a wedding. See, he comes from a broken home, but not just a simple parents divorced kind of broken home... his mother left the communist country that they lived in and he didn't see or hear from her for a decade.
Finally, she sent for him. He moved in. She left again two weeks later leaving him with relatives in a country where he didn't speak the language. A year later she sent for him again... this time to Canada. His third country and third language in a year he moved to CAnada at the age of 13. He didn't see or speak to his father for a decade.
My husband needed a white wedding, he needed his Norman Rockwell moment that was picture perfect and I needed to make that dream come true. And we did.
We have different approaches to money. Mine is a save now buy when we can afford it sort of approach while he believes very much that we can just put things on credit and pay them off one day. So tonight it comes to a head. I am insisting on living quite abstemiously and paying of our debt and starting to put money away for our fertility treatments in the months until we start. My husband wants to go and buy things that aren't necessities. Please, tell me we aren't the only ones who fight about money!
Our wedding was beautiful.. complete with horse drawn carriage and a wedding by a pond. But was this because I was a demanding diva from hell insisting on everything being perfect? Uh.. not a chance. I was pushing to elope but my husband needed a wedding. See, he comes from a broken home, but not just a simple parents divorced kind of broken home... his mother left the communist country that they lived in and he didn't see or hear from her for a decade.
Finally, she sent for him. He moved in. She left again two weeks later leaving him with relatives in a country where he didn't speak the language. A year later she sent for him again... this time to Canada. His third country and third language in a year he moved to CAnada at the age of 13. He didn't see or speak to his father for a decade.
My husband needed a white wedding, he needed his Norman Rockwell moment that was picture perfect and I needed to make that dream come true. And we did.
We have different approaches to money. Mine is a save now buy when we can afford it sort of approach while he believes very much that we can just put things on credit and pay them off one day. So tonight it comes to a head. I am insisting on living quite abstemiously and paying of our debt and starting to put money away for our fertility treatments in the months until we start. My husband wants to go and buy things that aren't necessities. Please, tell me we aren't the only ones who fight about money!
Monday, 8 April 2013
Teeny Tiny Ovaries
Am I wrong? I spent all day yesterday looking for the size my ovaries should be and my conclusion is that mine are tiny. Teeny tiny. They are not pleasingly plump. This does not bode well for my future fertility does it. Ovaries start off around 10 cm each from what i can tell and as you get older they get smaller, and smaller and smaller until they shrivel up like prunes... or something like that.
As I said to my husband through tears yesterday it is not just about this pregnancy, but about the next one too. We would like two children, are we dreaming? Are we just too older for that to be possible? And now we have to wait three months before we see our doctor again and find out for sure what this all means for our chances.
Then, of course, because life likes to mock me, we are going to be on vacation in Europe for most of August. This is a combination of trips to visit my husbands family who I have never met and a week with my family in Spain. My father has terminal cancer and wants to spend time with us all before he gets too sick. But right now, in my head, it's just another month we will have to wait before we can get some treatment.
And another delay before our baby comes.
As I said to my husband through tears yesterday it is not just about this pregnancy, but about the next one too. We would like two children, are we dreaming? Are we just too older for that to be possible? And now we have to wait three months before we see our doctor again and find out for sure what this all means for our chances.
Then, of course, because life likes to mock me, we are going to be on vacation in Europe for most of August. This is a combination of trips to visit my husbands family who I have never met and a week with my family in Spain. My father has terminal cancer and wants to spend time with us all before he gets too sick. But right now, in my head, it's just another month we will have to wait before we can get some treatment.
And another delay before our baby comes.
Thursday, 4 April 2013
What goes well with stirrups?
Yep... .i'm nervous as hell right now.
Our appointment is today, at 1:30pm.
Gulp
Getting dressed this morning was weird. I decided on a tank top to make taking blood easy, under a jacket to keep warm and decided to go with blue jeans. I don't really work in a blue jeans kind of place. But I can go days without seeing any of my colleagues just because of what I do, and since i intentionally didn't schedule any meetings today I am sort of hanging out in my office.
I wanted to feel comfortable as I walked into the office today, or at least look like I felt comfortable, and blue jeans will do that for me i hope. My husband is leaving work today at noon and we are meeting at home to travel there together. It's a bit of a backtrack for him.... He works North of the city and we live East, but i didn't want to try to deal with two cars there, and i need him to hold my hand through today.
And I want to be able to analyze and discuss everything that is said to us in the appointment on the drive back home, not being trying to fight through both traffic and tears at the same time. Anyone been through this already? Help!!
Our appointment is today, at 1:30pm.
Gulp
Getting dressed this morning was weird. I decided on a tank top to make taking blood easy, under a jacket to keep warm and decided to go with blue jeans. I don't really work in a blue jeans kind of place. But I can go days without seeing any of my colleagues just because of what I do, and since i intentionally didn't schedule any meetings today I am sort of hanging out in my office.
I wanted to feel comfortable as I walked into the office today, or at least look like I felt comfortable, and blue jeans will do that for me i hope. My husband is leaving work today at noon and we are meeting at home to travel there together. It's a bit of a backtrack for him.... He works North of the city and we live East, but i didn't want to try to deal with two cars there, and i need him to hold my hand through today.
And I want to be able to analyze and discuss everything that is said to us in the appointment on the drive back home, not being trying to fight through both traffic and tears at the same time. Anyone been through this already? Help!!
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
Baby on Credit
If there is one thing that I knew about IVF before we started on this journey it was that this wasn't going to come cheap. We still don't know exactly what this will cost us of course, we don't know what treatments we will need. We don't know how many it will take before they are successful. So, even though we can look up and see that our fertility clinic will cost us about $1,500 for an IUI that basically tells us nothing.
My husband and I decided to go to the bank yesterday to see how much money we could arrange before our appointment at the fertility clinic tomorrow (Gulp!). I know the clinic offers financing, and no doubt they will pretty give you anything since they are filling a space in your soul and you know you will pay anything to have that baby you want so badly, but we also wanted to know, financially what our other options were. Who knows if the clinic will give you the lowest rate? Maybe it's like a credit card at 20% where you will be required to send all of your frozen embryos out to work just to pay it off.
The woman at the bank was ridiculously happy for us. "Fertility treatments! How exciting!" My guess is she is baby crazy, but still confident that her nubile body will produce the children she is going to have one day... she doesn't understand that fertility treatments are filling me with dread and fear not excitement.
She notices the title "Dr." attached to my file. I hold a PhD and it has been put on my file as such. But she mistakes it for an MD. "I think we can get you a business loan. It has a much lower interest rate."
There is nothing more ridiculous to me than the idea that our baby making be financed by a business loan. This is not an investment that is going to be paid off any time soon. This is a long term investment that is going to require repeated infusions of cash as our child struggles to define themselves throughout childhood and adolescence. Unless our child is the next Justin Bieber (and i really hope not after watching his latest string of petulant tweets) there is little hope that this baby is going to post a profit margin in the first quarter of his or her life.
My husband and I decided to go to the bank yesterday to see how much money we could arrange before our appointment at the fertility clinic tomorrow (Gulp!). I know the clinic offers financing, and no doubt they will pretty give you anything since they are filling a space in your soul and you know you will pay anything to have that baby you want so badly, but we also wanted to know, financially what our other options were. Who knows if the clinic will give you the lowest rate? Maybe it's like a credit card at 20% where you will be required to send all of your frozen embryos out to work just to pay it off.
The woman at the bank was ridiculously happy for us. "Fertility treatments! How exciting!" My guess is she is baby crazy, but still confident that her nubile body will produce the children she is going to have one day... she doesn't understand that fertility treatments are filling me with dread and fear not excitement.
She notices the title "Dr." attached to my file. I hold a PhD and it has been put on my file as such. But she mistakes it for an MD. "I think we can get you a business loan. It has a much lower interest rate."
There is nothing more ridiculous to me than the idea that our baby making be financed by a business loan. This is not an investment that is going to be paid off any time soon. This is a long term investment that is going to require repeated infusions of cash as our child struggles to define themselves throughout childhood and adolescence. Unless our child is the next Justin Bieber (and i really hope not after watching his latest string of petulant tweets) there is little hope that this baby is going to post a profit margin in the first quarter of his or her life.
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
How solving a mystery can result in pregnancy symptoms
I have no doubt that the phenomenon is well studied by any woman who is currently trying to conceive. It is almost mystical the rate at which she can develop every symptom known to affect those in early pregnancy simply by reading a list. Like the "communicated" wind turbine syndrome early pregnancy symptoms are, no doubt in my mind, completely and totally caused by the nocebo effect.
In one of my many dozens of searches I have done over the years into "early pregnancy symptoms" I once came across this sage advice:
In one of my many dozens of searches I have done over the years into "early pregnancy symptoms" I once came across this sage advice:
Remember, many pregnant women who were not trying to conceive do not
even realize they are pregnant until well into the first trimester,
meaning that symptoms are often subtle or nonexistent during the two
week wait.
Oh, yeah... that is definitely advice i need to take. It should help me to stop googling symptoms to see if that twinge in my back, that dryness in my mouth, that queasiness in my belly could herald the arrival of a baby. Of course it never does. Every month I announce to my husband "I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant. Don't you think? Do you think I could be pregnant?" He wisely nods yes and we play this game for two weeks until my period arrives and brings with it a flood of tears.
So, this month when i was convinced that I had not ovulated my boobs felt no bigger than usual for a period. The nipples did not seem to mysteriously darken in certain light (duh... that's called shadows) and my cramps seemed to be nice normal run of the mill pre-menstral cramps... gearing up for the visit by the painters on Thursday or Friday.
So, this month when i was convinced that I had not ovulated my boobs felt no bigger than usual for a period. The nipples did not seem to mysteriously darken in certain light (duh... that's called shadows) and my cramps seemed to be nice normal run of the mill pre-menstral cramps... gearing up for the visit by the painters on Thursday or Friday.
That is until I ran a single Google search yesterday at lunch: "Can ovulation be delayed after a positive OPK?" Well, as usual The Google Oracle spit out an answer and in summation the truth is that sometimes it can take as much as 3 days for your body to experience a thermal shift after ovulation has occurred. And now my pattern is definitely biphasic... which means suddenly these damn breasts seem so sore... and I can't seem to stop feeling them (making them more sore no doubt). And I'm definitely tired this morning. Really tired. And... damn... i'm playing that stupid two week wait game again.
Saturday, 30 March 2013
Dear BBT, WTF?
BBT:36.79 yesterdays BBT: 36.54 Thursdays BBT 36.71
So, I had a low BBT for two days following my expected ovulation, and so i mourned slightly the lost chance for getting pregnant, my bank account mourned a LOT and my bank rejoiced knowing they were going to be able to post record breaking profits as we pay a team of doctors to stare at my cervix.
Now, it seems my BBT likes to play mind games with me. For the last 3 days my temperature has been up. Why?? What does my body gain from torturing me.
Now of course things like alcohol can raise my BBT.... and I may have had a glass of wine last night... but just one! But that doesn't account for the torture of the last three days.
Has anyone else ever experienced this? Can it be a delay in ovulation? If so I'm not sure we timed the baby dance right. So did we waste our last precious month??!!
So, I had a low BBT for two days following my expected ovulation, and so i mourned slightly the lost chance for getting pregnant, my bank account mourned a LOT and my bank rejoiced knowing they were going to be able to post record breaking profits as we pay a team of doctors to stare at my cervix.
Now, it seems my BBT likes to play mind games with me. For the last 3 days my temperature has been up. Why?? What does my body gain from torturing me.
Now of course things like alcohol can raise my BBT.... and I may have had a glass of wine last night... but just one! But that doesn't account for the torture of the last three days.
Has anyone else ever experienced this? Can it be a delay in ovulation? If so I'm not sure we timed the baby dance right. So did we waste our last precious month??!!
Friday, 29 March 2013
Why some two week waits are shorter than others
Years ago I was moving back to Canada from the United States and I contracted a storage facility over the phone to rent a 5 x 10 storage locker. On moving day I pulled my U-haul truck up to the front door with all of my possessions inside and i started unloading. I took one look at the storage room and I knew there was a problem. There was no way this space was a 5 x 10. My stuff wasn't going to fit. We paced it out and the room ended up being a 4 x 8. "Listen lady", the manager told me "Some 5 x 10's are bigger than others". I refrained from asking him if he was using his penis as the measuring device.... but just barely.
This is when I first learned that standard measurements are not always that standard. My period has also learned this lesson.
When I first went to see my doctor about going to a fertility clinic she asked me if we were "trying" for a baby. I told her yes, we weren't using birth control. That is the day that I learned that trying was something completely different. And we introduced things like the basal body temperature (BBT) and the ovulation prediction kits (OPK) into our marriage and instructions from my doctor that it should be "military style"... which isn't a new position, it was her code for timed, on demand sex. She suggested this for 3 months.... if nothing stuck she would refer me to the fertility clinic.
I've since told my doctor that I've had worse prescriptions. And we try to make sure it is fun and flirty and not any of the "just shut up, i don't even want to talk to you right now, but we need to have sex because it's ovulation time" sort of sex that I've heard of from other people I know.
Military style though has made one thing very clear to me. My two week wait is shorter than others. It seems to go from 9 - 10 days. Which is on the very cusp of having a luteal phase defect according the The Google. See the Luteal Phase is the time in your cycle where you have progesterone coursing through your body and it allows the fertilized egg to implant in your lining. It is normally 10 - 14 days, though most common is 14 days. Anything shorter than 10 days is considered to be a defect which can prevent the implantation of the egg. This was a bit of a revelation for me, and something I never would have found out without all of the joys of sticking a thermometer in my mouth before kissing my husband in the mornings.
The Google of course had suggestions. Apparently "some people" report a lengthening of the luteal phase with vitamin B6. I'm always somewhat suspicious of anything that says "some people", but since there doesn't seem to be any toxicity i can find associated with vitamin B6 I am trying it for the first time on this cycle. We will see if it makes a difference.
I am of course hoping that this apparent Luteal phase defect is the cause of our infertility. The cure seems to be straight forward... throw a little progesterone on and you can fix anything. Of course the testing required to make that diagnosis official is probably awful. It seems to involve biopsies and needles stuck through places I don't want needles to go.
I don't know how I feel about herbal medicines. I am trained as a scientist. I want to see results and studies done with proper controls... but I also can't help but think... "well, what if it is that
easy, just take a few vitamins..."
Especially since I don't think there is any chance of being pregnant this month.
easy, just take a few vitamins..."
Especially since I don't think there is any chance of being pregnant this month.
Thursday, 28 March 2013
Procreation versus Recreation
I told my husband over breakfast today that we never need to have sex again. He made me explain myself. I pointed out that any further actions my husband and I take in procreating will be facilitated by doctors and speculums and needles... oh my! Therefore we didn't NEED to have sex ever again.
My husband looked at me with an arched brow "Really?"
Well, of course not. My husband knows me well enough to know better than that. But as I point out, after nearly a year of focusing on the procreation from here on out we can just consider everything to be recreation.
"It's good right? You'll know that I'm not using you for sperm anymore... I'm just using you for sex."
The idea of having a baby has definitely had an impact on how we view sex. For a few days every month there isn't the option of if. Or which position. Or what time of day. Everything has to be planned. And there needs to be enough time afterwards for me to practice my hanging upside down yoga. (I actually have no idea if there actually is any improvement in pregnancy rates for women who contort their bodies after sex. But it sure decreases cuddling.)
Now, we can go back to the way things were before right? I mean just because we don't have to be in the same place when we conceive our child... but we can sure make sure that we are together when we practice.
We celebrated by being a bit late for work this morning.
My husband looked at me with an arched brow "Really?"
Well, of course not. My husband knows me well enough to know better than that. But as I point out, after nearly a year of focusing on the procreation from here on out we can just consider everything to be recreation.
"It's good right? You'll know that I'm not using you for sperm anymore... I'm just using you for sex."
The idea of having a baby has definitely had an impact on how we view sex. For a few days every month there isn't the option of if. Or which position. Or what time of day. Everything has to be planned. And there needs to be enough time afterwards for me to practice my hanging upside down yoga. (I actually have no idea if there actually is any improvement in pregnancy rates for women who contort their bodies after sex. But it sure decreases cuddling.)
Now, we can go back to the way things were before right? I mean just because we don't have to be in the same place when we conceive our child... but we can sure make sure that we are together when we practice.
We celebrated by being a bit late for work this morning.
Wednesday, 27 March 2013
I guess the chicken comes first...
Basal Body Temperature: 36.27
In the old riddle "which comes first the chicken or the egg" you know if your BBT doesn't rise there is no egg. Therefore, the chicken comes first.
I had harboured these secret unrealistic hopes and wishes that somehow we would squeak one in. That I would go meet our reproductive endocrinologist and she would order blood work that would reveal their services were not necessary because we were already pregnant. That will not happen.
So, in a bid for silver linings I am happy that we will not have a baby born too close to Christmas, because that always sucks.. plus we were sort of thinking of doing Christmas in Florida this year and waking up to sunshine instead of snow.
In the old riddle "which comes first the chicken or the egg" you know if your BBT doesn't rise there is no egg. Therefore, the chicken comes first.
I had harboured these secret unrealistic hopes and wishes that somehow we would squeak one in. That I would go meet our reproductive endocrinologist and she would order blood work that would reveal their services were not necessary because we were already pregnant. That will not happen.
So, in a bid for silver linings I am happy that we will not have a baby born too close to Christmas, because that always sucks.. plus we were sort of thinking of doing Christmas in Florida this year and waking up to sunshine instead of snow.
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Did I or didn't I...
Temperature: 36.22 or 36.77
Last night was a late night. Very late.
I woke up this morning in time for work... took my temperature and fell asleep while doing it. The beeping of the thermometer woke up me... it said 36.22. But... was it actually in the right place, under my tongue, or was it off to the side as my tongue lolled out of my mouth.
Then... when I woke up again and the reading on the temperature was 36.77. This is higher than normal for my BBT post ovulation. But I don't know if i was asleep long enough after getting out of bed for it to be my BBT. Actually it is higher than normal for my non-basal body temperature. So, i am left in doubt.. .did i? or didn't i?
I know that you can have an LH surge from the ovulation kits and not actually produce an egg. So, I don't know yet if have a chance to get pregnant this month or not. I will have to wait until tomorrow. I don't want to wait until tomorrow.
UPDATE: when I got home from work I noticed that you can get almost a 1 C temperature drop if you take your temperature with your mouth open. So I am keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow.
Monday, 25 March 2013
The Big O...
Do you remember the time when if you got a text message asking if you'd O'd this morning it was from an insecure lover wondering if it was good for you? Not anymore. Now all of the O's have to do with Ovulation. The biggest most important O in my life right now.
I have learned a lot about ovulation through charting my temperature. But although this seems like a really easy task it can become ridiculously complicated. Your basal body temperature (BBT) is supposed to be taken as soon as you wake up.... errr... following at least 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep that is... which is where it becomes complicated for me. I will often wake up during the night, and now as soon as I do I become obsessed with the fact that I have to take my temperature. Since my thermometer is not lit (which is a really stupid for a digital thermometer that you are supposed to check before you are allowed to even get up and pee) this is something i have to manage in the semi-darkness and something i try to do without waking my husband. So, if I wake up in the middle of the night then I will take the temperature, and try to read it in the bathroom. If i just wake up because I am tossing and turning then i will try to take the temperature and try to see the numbers by the glow of my cell phone.
The problem is that this often leads to 2 or 3 different temperatures being taken in the course of the night. So which one is right. Normally I take the lowest temperature. This is an especially important rule during the two week wait because that plummet of temperature the last 2 days before my period are the early wake up to the fact that I am not pregnant. But today is (possibly) ovulation day. My first temp was 36.12C, then I woke up sometime in the middle of the night with a temp of 36.25C and finally when I woke up this morning it was 36.42 C. So... the question is... is my temperature up because I ovulated? Or is it up because i wasn't asleep again between the second and the third time. My "coverline" the imaginary boundary that my temperature crosses when I ovulate is around 36.55. Are we almost there? is there an egg lose in my fallopian tube looking for a partner?
Cross your fingers, hold your breath... the two week wait has begun.
I have learned a lot about ovulation through charting my temperature. But although this seems like a really easy task it can become ridiculously complicated. Your basal body temperature (BBT) is supposed to be taken as soon as you wake up.... errr... following at least 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep that is... which is where it becomes complicated for me. I will often wake up during the night, and now as soon as I do I become obsessed with the fact that I have to take my temperature. Since my thermometer is not lit (which is a really stupid for a digital thermometer that you are supposed to check before you are allowed to even get up and pee) this is something i have to manage in the semi-darkness and something i try to do without waking my husband. So, if I wake up in the middle of the night then I will take the temperature, and try to read it in the bathroom. If i just wake up because I am tossing and turning then i will try to take the temperature and try to see the numbers by the glow of my cell phone.
The problem is that this often leads to 2 or 3 different temperatures being taken in the course of the night. So which one is right. Normally I take the lowest temperature. This is an especially important rule during the two week wait because that plummet of temperature the last 2 days before my period are the early wake up to the fact that I am not pregnant. But today is (possibly) ovulation day. My first temp was 36.12C, then I woke up sometime in the middle of the night with a temp of 36.25C and finally when I woke up this morning it was 36.42 C. So... the question is... is my temperature up because I ovulated? Or is it up because i wasn't asleep again between the second and the third time. My "coverline" the imaginary boundary that my temperature crosses when I ovulate is around 36.55. Are we almost there? is there an egg lose in my fallopian tube looking for a partner?
Cross your fingers, hold your breath... the two week wait has begun.
Saturday, 23 March 2013
Ovulation Station
Ok, so that magical mystical day is here again. I got a smiley face on my pee stick. My husband told me that until we started trying for a baby he had no idea there was a test that would determine if he was going to get lucky on a given day. My temperature will go up on Tuesday, signaling the release of progesterone that accompanies the mystical egg. It also signals our very last chance for a "natural" pregnancy.
I can't help it, I am sure that by the end of the two-week wait I will be doing the surreptitious boob check to see if they are sore, i will be glancing at my nipples to see they are any darker. I will be doing the toilet paper check, to see if by any chance there is any mystical and mythical implantation bleeding. I will be getting my hopes up... and i don't want to because I've done this dance. It always ends in tears.
The good news is we shouldn't have long to wait after our fertility clinic appointment until our first day one. Then we can finally start the next long journey
Thursday, 21 March 2013
A two week wait I never expected!
OMG! I have a sneaking suspicion that we are the luckiest couple ever to have to go to a fertility clinic. I had expected that it was going to take us months to get in. I had even anticipated that it would be at least June because I try not to set myself up for disappointment. I have already calculated exactly when we would have a monitoring cycle, and when we would have our first treatment and when we could either get our first BFN or the BFP that we want to bad. It was like August.
But no we have an appointment in only two weeks! Crazy.
I am overwhelmed and shocked. That's so soon!
You would think that any woman who has tried to get pregnant would find the two week wait to be a breeze. I find after a year of trying I have a routine for the tww. I know which days to start feeling my boobs to see if they are swelling, i know which days to expect the cramps... i know exactly which days I can stop feeling hopeful...
This is a two week wait i have no idea how to handle.
But no we have an appointment in only two weeks! Crazy.
I am overwhelmed and shocked. That's so soon!
You would think that any woman who has tried to get pregnant would find the two week wait to be a breeze. I find after a year of trying I have a routine for the tww. I know which days to start feeling my boobs to see if they are swelling, i know which days to expect the cramps... i know exactly which days I can stop feeling hopeful...
This is a two week wait i have no idea how to handle.
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
Semen Analysis day has arrived!
I don't think people who need fertility clinics are supposed to live in the suburbs. See, suburbs are where you go when your family has outgrown your chic city flat and you want a back garden for your wee ones to run around in while mummy sips ceasars on the back deck.
We live in the suburbs. This was especially irritating today when my husband had to present himself at the fertility clinic for his 7:30... errr... test. And because it was his first visit he had to be at the hospital front desk by 7:00 to be registered and get a hospital card. That's an hour from our house. We are not morning people.
We were talking about his test last night. I didn't know what to say... do I wish him luck? Tell him to have fun? It all seems a bit odd when he's about to make love to a plastic cup.
I can't help but be curious about the set up. In my mind it should be red brocade like some den of inequity from Victorian England. I expect stripper poles and video tapes (yup... i don't expect a dvd player for some reason), and probably even some curtain you can pull back for a peep show. I basically think the man's side of the fertility clinic should share a wall with a strip club. It might help to keep them interested.
Instead, it is reportedly a basic hospital exam room with some magazines spread on the doctor's desk. My husband elected to bring his own visual aids... he downloaded a movie into his smart phone last night so that he wouldn't have to flip through the dog eared copies... although i find myself curious as to how old the magazines are. Do they buy new ones every month? Or have the same copies been there for decades. And why did he have to be there so early? Is it really just a regular doctor's office from 9-5 and whichever doctor emptied the coffee pot without making fresh coffee yesterday is punished by having his or her office assigned to the early morning fertility men?
I find myself sort of hoping that they will find our fertility issues are just because of my husband's previously too tight underpants.
We live in the suburbs. This was especially irritating today when my husband had to present himself at the fertility clinic for his 7:30... errr... test. And because it was his first visit he had to be at the hospital front desk by 7:00 to be registered and get a hospital card. That's an hour from our house. We are not morning people.
We were talking about his test last night. I didn't know what to say... do I wish him luck? Tell him to have fun? It all seems a bit odd when he's about to make love to a plastic cup.
I can't help but be curious about the set up. In my mind it should be red brocade like some den of inequity from Victorian England. I expect stripper poles and video tapes (yup... i don't expect a dvd player for some reason), and probably even some curtain you can pull back for a peep show. I basically think the man's side of the fertility clinic should share a wall with a strip club. It might help to keep them interested.
Instead, it is reportedly a basic hospital exam room with some magazines spread on the doctor's desk. My husband elected to bring his own visual aids... he downloaded a movie into his smart phone last night so that he wouldn't have to flip through the dog eared copies... although i find myself curious as to how old the magazines are. Do they buy new ones every month? Or have the same copies been there for decades. And why did he have to be there so early? Is it really just a regular doctor's office from 9-5 and whichever doctor emptied the coffee pot without making fresh coffee yesterday is punished by having his or her office assigned to the early morning fertility men?
I find myself sort of hoping that they will find our fertility issues are just because of my husband's previously too tight underpants.
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
Missed periods and opportunities
I never know what to say.
We've only been married for 9 months, but we're old... I am 39, my husband 44 and this fact is not lost on any of our friends. And so the comments come up, a lot.
And the funniest part is no one ever questions the if... they question the when.
Let me start with Saturday... we were at a party with some old and cherished friends of my husband's. They all have kids... some one, some three, some through adoption or ivf or some through what comes naturally. But they all have them. And they all can apparently hear my biological clock.
I am drawn to kids. I love the things they say, or how the brother and sister gang up to keep me trapped in our modified version of Mouse Trap. I love how they will hop into my husbands lap and confess that her parents met each other before they met her, and when would we meet our kids? And i actually love the one little boy who argues with me and tells me that I am a mom. Because i completely feel like I am.
The kids are too precious to me, each one of them funny and charming, and sometimes spoiled and difficult, but they are perfect. You can see why their parents love them so much. And this natural inclination in me, to listen to children as they talk, and play with them sitting on the floor in the midst of a pot luck where i was required to read name tags before addressing the veritable strangers who greet me as a best friend merely as an extension of the man I married, this is what leads them all to say "when we have kids".
"You are so natural, so maternal" says our host as she admonishes us to hurry up and get on with it. See, the thing is... i'm a bit shy. I can be dirty and raunchy and funny. But this journey is so incredibly personal and so incredibly painful that I can't talk about it yet with my family, or friends, so far it is my husband and any hapless wanderers to this blog page.
I am fairly certain that this is why i have the blog. Because i feel like i am able to confess my secrets, the way you might confess to a stranger on a plane who you will never see again that you cheated on your high school boyfriend. It is cathartic and it prepares me for the question of "when" from the people in my life.
The problem is that for us it isn't a when.
On my 39th birthday i had my period start about a week early. And then after 24 hours of a very minor period it stopped. And I knew that we had finally got the best birthday present ever. Our baby. A pregnancy test on cycle day 27 revealed i was pregnant.
Two weeks later I wasn't.
It was devastating. There's no other words. The pain was unbearable, not just physically but my heart was wrenched from my body with the loss of that pregnancy. And i knew then why you wait until you are 13 weeks to share the news. Because the pain is so great that you carry that secret with you deeply inside what is left of your heart.
Our baby should have been born in May. Which always leads me to think about where i should be right now in our pregnancy. We should be fighting over names and picking out furniture for the nursery. Instead I am peeing on ovulation prediction sticks again.
And the hardest thing is I never know how to answer the questions. Do people want to know about my phantom baby that still lives in my memories? Do they want to know the pain of each month realizing that the two week wait was for nothing. Do I smile and laugh and pretend it doesn't matter and then collapse in tears in my husbands arms as soon as we get to our car? Do people want to really know that we are "trying" and all the inherent unromantic it-doesn't-matter-if-you-are-tired-tonight-you-have-to precision of it all?
Or do people still think that the stork brings babies... and we just haven't bothered to call and order ours yet?
We've only been married for 9 months, but we're old... I am 39, my husband 44 and this fact is not lost on any of our friends. And so the comments come up, a lot.
And the funniest part is no one ever questions the if... they question the when.
Let me start with Saturday... we were at a party with some old and cherished friends of my husband's. They all have kids... some one, some three, some through adoption or ivf or some through what comes naturally. But they all have them. And they all can apparently hear my biological clock.
I am drawn to kids. I love the things they say, or how the brother and sister gang up to keep me trapped in our modified version of Mouse Trap. I love how they will hop into my husbands lap and confess that her parents met each other before they met her, and when would we meet our kids? And i actually love the one little boy who argues with me and tells me that I am a mom. Because i completely feel like I am.
The kids are too precious to me, each one of them funny and charming, and sometimes spoiled and difficult, but they are perfect. You can see why their parents love them so much. And this natural inclination in me, to listen to children as they talk, and play with them sitting on the floor in the midst of a pot luck where i was required to read name tags before addressing the veritable strangers who greet me as a best friend merely as an extension of the man I married, this is what leads them all to say "when we have kids".
"You are so natural, so maternal" says our host as she admonishes us to hurry up and get on with it. See, the thing is... i'm a bit shy. I can be dirty and raunchy and funny. But this journey is so incredibly personal and so incredibly painful that I can't talk about it yet with my family, or friends, so far it is my husband and any hapless wanderers to this blog page.
I am fairly certain that this is why i have the blog. Because i feel like i am able to confess my secrets, the way you might confess to a stranger on a plane who you will never see again that you cheated on your high school boyfriend. It is cathartic and it prepares me for the question of "when" from the people in my life.
The problem is that for us it isn't a when.
On my 39th birthday i had my period start about a week early. And then after 24 hours of a very minor period it stopped. And I knew that we had finally got the best birthday present ever. Our baby. A pregnancy test on cycle day 27 revealed i was pregnant.
Two weeks later I wasn't.
It was devastating. There's no other words. The pain was unbearable, not just physically but my heart was wrenched from my body with the loss of that pregnancy. And i knew then why you wait until you are 13 weeks to share the news. Because the pain is so great that you carry that secret with you deeply inside what is left of your heart.
Our baby should have been born in May. Which always leads me to think about where i should be right now in our pregnancy. We should be fighting over names and picking out furniture for the nursery. Instead I am peeing on ovulation prediction sticks again.
And the hardest thing is I never know how to answer the questions. Do people want to know about my phantom baby that still lives in my memories? Do they want to know the pain of each month realizing that the two week wait was for nothing. Do I smile and laugh and pretend it doesn't matter and then collapse in tears in my husbands arms as soon as we get to our car? Do people want to really know that we are "trying" and all the inherent unromantic it-doesn't-matter-if-you-are-tired-tonight-you-have-to precision of it all?
Or do people still think that the stork brings babies... and we just haven't bothered to call and order ours yet?
Monday, 18 March 2013
Man Testing and New Clothing Trends.
My god that was fast. It feels fast. Really fast. My husband called and left a message on Friday as we ate breakfast for his testing appointment. By lunch time we knew that he was going to be visiting the clinic for his first test on Wednesday. Yup this wednesday. It seems super fast given how long i thought everything was going to take.
I mean this isn't the BIG appointment. Although we should know sometime this week when the BIG appointment is going to be. They called last week to get my husbands health information and said they would be calling back this week with the BIG appointment.
But this Wednesday my husband goes for his solo appointment... which means that as of 7:30 this morning we are under a no contact ordinance. I feel like I'm back in high school or something, or early dating days... which of course sort of makes you want something more, the forbidden fruit. But, nope... not allowed.
My husband has also been wearing his fancy new underpants all weekend.. and I have to say that he is not loving the experience. Right now he is trying to get used to the fact that they ride up so much... And if they ride up aren't they defeating the purpose?
He loves me though that man.. he loves me and the idea of starting a family with me so much that is willing to keep trying out the fancy new underpants. But I can promise you that he is hoping to hear back really soon from the fertility clinic that his boys are such fast swimmers that they really should be encased in his old style of underpants just to slow them down enough that they don't hurt me in the process of trying to conceive.
My husband does fit all of the hallmarks of men who are going to have motility issues... he sits all day, he wears the tight-whites, he is not the greatest of exercisers... am i wrong to make him switch preemptively? Should i be more patient and just wait to find out?
I mean this isn't the BIG appointment. Although we should know sometime this week when the BIG appointment is going to be. They called last week to get my husbands health information and said they would be calling back this week with the BIG appointment.
But this Wednesday my husband goes for his solo appointment... which means that as of 7:30 this morning we are under a no contact ordinance. I feel like I'm back in high school or something, or early dating days... which of course sort of makes you want something more, the forbidden fruit. But, nope... not allowed.
My husband has also been wearing his fancy new underpants all weekend.. and I have to say that he is not loving the experience. Right now he is trying to get used to the fact that they ride up so much... And if they ride up aren't they defeating the purpose?
He loves me though that man.. he loves me and the idea of starting a family with me so much that is willing to keep trying out the fancy new underpants. But I can promise you that he is hoping to hear back really soon from the fertility clinic that his boys are such fast swimmers that they really should be encased in his old style of underpants just to slow them down enough that they don't hurt me in the process of trying to conceive.
My husband does fit all of the hallmarks of men who are going to have motility issues... he sits all day, he wears the tight-whites, he is not the greatest of exercisers... am i wrong to make him switch preemptively? Should i be more patient and just wait to find out?
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