I can't relax. I've been here before. I've progressed this far into my pregnancy only to have it end.
There are so many reasons this was not supposed to happen, and so many reasons to expect that it won't last.
1) I have Cushing's disease, which causes infertility. It is a disease in which a tumor on your pituitary or adrenal gland makes you pump out so much cortisol coursing through your body that everything else kind of stops working properly. It also causes weight gain, facial hair, messed up hormones, diabetes, high blood pressure, acanthosis nigricans, wow... it's so fun... it's also so rare that we have the distinction of being an episode of House. Season 1, episode 16 "Heavy".
2) I have a 10 day luteal phase. I have been taking Vitamin B6 for about 6 weeks. This month was the first full month where I had taken B6 throughout my cycle. Did it help? do I have to become a vitamin believer now?
3) I have hypothyroidism. This is likely due to the excess glucocorticosteroids from the cushing's. After the removal of the adrenal (non cancercous) tumor it is necessary to be continuously observed for Hasimoto's disease.
4) I am nearly 40. Ah the joys of advanced maternal age... Even if I progress through this pregnancy I won't be able to relax for months.
5) There was no LH surge this month. I tested. I tested the crap out of my pee this month. I was like a scientist as soon as I woke up every freaking morning. There was hardly any CM. There was only a most minor of temperature shifts compared to normal... usually I take my temp when i wake up about 4 in the morning. It is usually 36.2 for pre ovulation, 36.6 for post ovulation. This month it was 36.4... It wasn't until about cycle day 30 when it suddenly shifted to 36.6 then 36.8 where it sits right now.
So far this pregnancy has been completely different from the last one. No implantation bleeding, no spotting. So far I feel like I am in a perpetual state of pms cramps. And fatigue... but part of that may just be because I haven't slept much... I am too busy checking my body for signs and symptoms that the pregnancy is still here... I know that different is good... different is better... maybe this one is different enough to stay.
I also feel guilty right now, that this has happened for me, at least for now, and so many people who have worked so much harder are still working, are still wishing and hoping for their dream.
Thank you all for your good wishes... I am hoping and wishing fervently that the same thing happens for you, and soon.
I'm still holding my breath.. I am afraid to exhale....
Showing posts with label older mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label older mom. Show all posts
Wednesday, 8 May 2013
Monday, 22 April 2013
The Doctor's Wife
We were visiting with my father yesterday in the hospital, sitting in the visitors lounge. My sister was there, my mother, my husband and I. My mom told him that my brother, the only one of us with children, would be stopping by later with the elder of his two sons. My father's face lit up immediately.
There is no doubt in my mind as I watch my father's expression that this news, the impending visit by his wonderful, kind, funny, ADHD!!! grandson was the best visitor he could possibly have. My nephews don't know yet that my father is dying. My brother and sister-in-law are working to protect the boys from this tragic news for as long as possible. When C. arrived in the hospital he began to quiz my father for information. "Why are you here, when did you start throwing up, did you eat something you shouldn't" he's quite precocious for a 9 year old.
The visit did something for my father. He helped in healing in a way that our visit just couldn't... But it also brought me to tears. Even if I were to get pregnant this cycle... this very minute... there is a very good chance that my father will never meet our children. No matter what our children will have no memory of him.
My father is the man that I love to tease more than anyone else. My favorite story is as follows:
My father had taken us skiing that day and on the ride home he began to experience chest pains. It turns out that he had pulled a muscle in his chest, but at the time he thought that he was having a heart attack. Despite that concern he drove 3 hours with his three children in the back. When we got home my mother was livid for putting all our lives in danger... but she took him to the hospital. There he went through triage.
"Name" said the nurse.
"Paul" he replied
"Doctor's name?" she asked
"Dr. Tan"
"Do you know his first name?"
My father barked back "no, I don't know his first name".
"Christopher" my mother supplied.
"Wife's name"asked the nurse.
"I don't know his name, why would i know his wife's name" came my father's incredulous response.
My mother looked at him. Rolled her eyes and supplied her own name, "Jill".
My father looked at her... "How do you know his wife's name?"
That is my father. To a T. He is always on a different wave length from anyone else. And I want for my children to meet him. To sit in his lap and hear his stories first hand. I sort of feel like they might not believe me if they don't get to see it for themselves.
There is no doubt in my mind as I watch my father's expression that this news, the impending visit by his wonderful, kind, funny, ADHD!!! grandson was the best visitor he could possibly have. My nephews don't know yet that my father is dying. My brother and sister-in-law are working to protect the boys from this tragic news for as long as possible. When C. arrived in the hospital he began to quiz my father for information. "Why are you here, when did you start throwing up, did you eat something you shouldn't" he's quite precocious for a 9 year old.
The visit did something for my father. He helped in healing in a way that our visit just couldn't... But it also brought me to tears. Even if I were to get pregnant this cycle... this very minute... there is a very good chance that my father will never meet our children. No matter what our children will have no memory of him.
My father is the man that I love to tease more than anyone else. My favorite story is as follows:
My father had taken us skiing that day and on the ride home he began to experience chest pains. It turns out that he had pulled a muscle in his chest, but at the time he thought that he was having a heart attack. Despite that concern he drove 3 hours with his three children in the back. When we got home my mother was livid for putting all our lives in danger... but she took him to the hospital. There he went through triage.
"Name" said the nurse.
"Paul" he replied
"Doctor's name?" she asked
"Dr. Tan"
"Do you know his first name?"
My father barked back "no, I don't know his first name".
"Christopher" my mother supplied.
"Wife's name"asked the nurse.
"I don't know his name, why would i know his wife's name" came my father's incredulous response.
My mother looked at him. Rolled her eyes and supplied her own name, "Jill".
My father looked at her... "How do you know his wife's name?"
That is my father. To a T. He is always on a different wave length from anyone else. And I want for my children to meet him. To sit in his lap and hear his stories first hand. I sort of feel like they might not believe me if they don't get to see it for themselves.
Wednesday, 17 April 2013
To hunt or not to hunt that is the question
Job Hunt that is....
Let me begin by saying how much I LOVE my current job. I adore it here. I love my boss. I love the support staff and coworkers. I even love what I do. It has been my dream come true ever since this job fell, quite literally, into my lap about 2 days before I was supposed to start looking for work.
My current boss is a contact from my last job. A job that was a 4 hour commute (each way) from my home. It was a commute I did on a weekly basis which meant that from 4am Monday morning until 4pm Friday night I didn't get to see my boyfriend cum fiance. When we got engaged things started to get tough at my job. They were pushing for me to move to the far away city and I flat out told them it would not happen. My fiance had been in the same job for 24 years, a union job, good pay, excellent vacations and benefits, he was not going to start again. And while I enjoyed many things about my last job the hours were not on the list. When I left I was gifted with my overtime payout. It equaled a month for every month I had been employed. I worked a minimum of 70 hour weeks. This I do not miss.
Unfortunately my current job is a contract that is going to expire at the end of July. I know my boss likes me, but I also know that there are funding issues and cutbacks and all the rest. I have to be realistic about the fact that he may not be able to keep me around.
Then there is the problem, the dream that so many of us face. I am pretty sure, at some point, some how I have a chance of being pregnant. There is that concern... how will it look if I find a new job and I get pregnant after only a few weeks? What about the time I may need to take off for fertility treatments? Is it fair to accept a job with the clear intention of trying to leave it almost immediately for a maternity leave? It is entirely possible to blow off good reference and future employment possibilities this way.
It isn't that we can really afford for me not to work. In fact I bring in a higher income than my husband does so he is not even completely sure I should get the maternity leave (in Canada this can be split by the parents - don't worry, he will be convinced otherwise... unless he is willing to try out breast feeding). But there is this constant worry that if I do find a job, the next job and then get pregnant right away that there will be a lack of trust from my employer and create a difficult work environment.
We also can't afford to wait... even a month without trying. I'm just getting too old... :( sad face.
I read a "Dear Abby" style column a few weeks back where an expectant father who was hoping to be offered a permanent contract should inform his current employer of his intention to take the parental leave before a contract was offered. The advice was he needed to come clean with the employer so as to not put the employer in a difficult position.
In my mind this is poor advice. If no offer is made then he has put himself at a disadvantage unfairly, perhaps jeopardizing the job offer. I think he should wait until the offer is made and then inform his employer. If the employer then rescinds the offer surely that is grounds for discrimination? But having said that is it much harder for a woman to hide the fact that she is expecting a child and it is much easier for an employer to terminate a woman who is within her 6 month probationary period because of noticeably protruding belly. He can easily dream up any excuse, in fact he doesn't even need an excuse just that she didn't "fit in".
So the question is... do I start looking for work?Knowing Hoping that I will be pregnant soon. Knowing that we need the money to bring our dream to fruition. Knowing if I am not working it can interfere with my maternity leave. In Canada we get 17 weeks of maternal leave at 55% pay and then 35 weeks of parental leave which can be taken by either parent. HOWEVER, it seems that this is contingent upon having worked a certain number of weeks since the last unemployment insurance claim.
My best and most hopeful dream is that they offer me a job here, and it is permanent... and sure... throw in covered infertility costs as part of my benefits package... it is still just a dream after all.
Let me begin by saying how much I LOVE my current job. I adore it here. I love my boss. I love the support staff and coworkers. I even love what I do. It has been my dream come true ever since this job fell, quite literally, into my lap about 2 days before I was supposed to start looking for work.
My current boss is a contact from my last job. A job that was a 4 hour commute (each way) from my home. It was a commute I did on a weekly basis which meant that from 4am Monday morning until 4pm Friday night I didn't get to see my boyfriend cum fiance. When we got engaged things started to get tough at my job. They were pushing for me to move to the far away city and I flat out told them it would not happen. My fiance had been in the same job for 24 years, a union job, good pay, excellent vacations and benefits, he was not going to start again. And while I enjoyed many things about my last job the hours were not on the list. When I left I was gifted with my overtime payout. It equaled a month for every month I had been employed. I worked a minimum of 70 hour weeks. This I do not miss.
Unfortunately my current job is a contract that is going to expire at the end of July. I know my boss likes me, but I also know that there are funding issues and cutbacks and all the rest. I have to be realistic about the fact that he may not be able to keep me around.
Then there is the problem, the dream that so many of us face. I am pretty sure, at some point, some how I have a chance of being pregnant. There is that concern... how will it look if I find a new job and I get pregnant after only a few weeks? What about the time I may need to take off for fertility treatments? Is it fair to accept a job with the clear intention of trying to leave it almost immediately for a maternity leave? It is entirely possible to blow off good reference and future employment possibilities this way.
It isn't that we can really afford for me not to work. In fact I bring in a higher income than my husband does so he is not even completely sure I should get the maternity leave (in Canada this can be split by the parents - don't worry, he will be convinced otherwise... unless he is willing to try out breast feeding). But there is this constant worry that if I do find a job, the next job and then get pregnant right away that there will be a lack of trust from my employer and create a difficult work environment.
We also can't afford to wait... even a month without trying. I'm just getting too old... :( sad face.
I read a "Dear Abby" style column a few weeks back where an expectant father who was hoping to be offered a permanent contract should inform his current employer of his intention to take the parental leave before a contract was offered. The advice was he needed to come clean with the employer so as to not put the employer in a difficult position.
In my mind this is poor advice. If no offer is made then he has put himself at a disadvantage unfairly, perhaps jeopardizing the job offer. I think he should wait until the offer is made and then inform his employer. If the employer then rescinds the offer surely that is grounds for discrimination? But having said that is it much harder for a woman to hide the fact that she is expecting a child and it is much easier for an employer to terminate a woman who is within her 6 month probationary period because of noticeably protruding belly. He can easily dream up any excuse, in fact he doesn't even need an excuse just that she didn't "fit in".
So the question is... do I start looking for work?
My best and most hopeful dream is that they offer me a job here, and it is permanent... and sure... throw in covered infertility costs as part of my benefits package... it is still just a dream after all.
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Helicopters everywhere!
I often wonder if when I become a mother, what sort of Mother will I be. The women who does the cleaning for our building has a teenaged daughter and the more I talk to her the clearer it becomes that she is a helicopter parents. Today she is asking me for any sort of graphs, or figures that her daughter can use in a homework assignment. The mother isn't really clear on the requirements for the assignment. And she has been given multiple examples of graphs, but thinks that some of them are too complicated for her daughter.
I've suggested using The Google to find statistics on Justin Beiber (although most of them yield mocking statistics on Justin Beiber's ego or lyrics) that way she will be interested in actually doing her homework. Seems to me that the cleaning woman is more concerned about getting her daughters work done that her daughter is.
The receptionist for my department has a son in university. She spends most of her time worrying about whether he will get enough to eat, she reminds him to study for his exams. She drives to pick him up on weekends. She does his laundry. She has found him a summer job.
I worry about this. As someone who may be limited to just one child, as someone who may be spending thousands upon thousands to make that child a reality, as someone who has built a lot of hopes and dreams into our future child will I be a helicopter parent?
I have spoken with someone who works with students in a university and college situation and says the biggest problem they are facing today is that students don't know how to fail. They are used to having their parents do their homework and tell them how and when to get their assignments done. By the time students get to higher education they don't know how to do for themselves.
I was not raised by helicopter parents. I found my own jobs. I failed tests. I ran up credit card debt and had to work and sacrifice to pay it off. I paid for my own education. Now, I am an obstinate, stubborn strong person... in both good ways and bad. But I think a lot of my strength comes from being forced to find my own path and pay the consequences for my decisions.
I hope that my husband and I will be strong enough to resist the urge to be helicopter parents. I hope that we will be able to resist doing everything for our child, but that we can still be close enough to protect them.
I think it is a harder fight for me because of the struggles we are going through to conceive than it would be for someone that it happens easily for. Then again, you look at the world today and it is easy to want to wrap your children in bubble wrap and keep them hidden from the evils of the world.
My thoughts are with those in Boston.
I've suggested using The Google to find statistics on Justin Beiber (although most of them yield mocking statistics on Justin Beiber's ego or lyrics) that way she will be interested in actually doing her homework. Seems to me that the cleaning woman is more concerned about getting her daughters work done that her daughter is.
The receptionist for my department has a son in university. She spends most of her time worrying about whether he will get enough to eat, she reminds him to study for his exams. She drives to pick him up on weekends. She does his laundry. She has found him a summer job.
I worry about this. As someone who may be limited to just one child, as someone who may be spending thousands upon thousands to make that child a reality, as someone who has built a lot of hopes and dreams into our future child will I be a helicopter parent?
I have spoken with someone who works with students in a university and college situation and says the biggest problem they are facing today is that students don't know how to fail. They are used to having their parents do their homework and tell them how and when to get their assignments done. By the time students get to higher education they don't know how to do for themselves.
I was not raised by helicopter parents. I found my own jobs. I failed tests. I ran up credit card debt and had to work and sacrifice to pay it off. I paid for my own education. Now, I am an obstinate, stubborn strong person... in both good ways and bad. But I think a lot of my strength comes from being forced to find my own path and pay the consequences for my decisions.
I hope that my husband and I will be strong enough to resist the urge to be helicopter parents. I hope that we will be able to resist doing everything for our child, but that we can still be close enough to protect them.
I think it is a harder fight for me because of the struggles we are going through to conceive than it would be for someone that it happens easily for. Then again, you look at the world today and it is easy to want to wrap your children in bubble wrap and keep them hidden from the evils of the world.
My thoughts are with those in Boston.
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
How can you not know you are pregnant?
This would be the TV show "I didn't know that i was Pregnant" that is on TLC, not unfortunately a miraculous revelation about myself. Today's show is a 57 year old woman who undergoes IVF with a donor egg. I'm intrigued to see how this is going to be a surprise pregnancy for this particular woman. I mean honestly, if you pay someone to put fertilized eggs into your uterus then how on earth is it supposed to be a surprise?
I am home sick today. I left work at noon with a horrible migraine and am still feeling the effects. I spent most of the afternoon yesterday completely unconscious because the light was too much for me to bear.
I have always been the victim of migraines, but ibuprofen always used to save me... now i no longer take ibuprofen on the off chance that I get pregnant, or because it might interfere with ovulation or any of the other things that we've heard. I mean if ibuprofen was really working as a birth control method then I am sure lots of teen girls would be popping that when they couldn't get the real pill. But, when you are trying to have a baby then apparently you will listen to just about any rumor that can have an impact on your ability to have a child... at least i will.
Back to the 57 year old she started to hemorrhage and was diagnosed with a miscarriage... and apparently no one bothered to check via ultrasound or pregnancy test?? Honestly... and she hemorrhages for months and no one looks to see if she's had any retained tissue? Who are these doctors?
This show both intrigues and depresses me. As a woman who is trying to get pregnant the idea that you could be pregnant for months and not notice that it was going on is a strange fantasy... and of course it leads me to play mind games every single month. Even once my period has started i ask myself... am i actually having my period? is it breakthrough bleeding? Is this period lighter than usual? It is crazy the number of ways i can pretend that even despite all of the evidence to the contrary I will take any possible opportunity to pretend that maybe, just maybe i will one day be a candidate for this show. That despite the plethora of pregnancy tests within arms reach that i can take at any point in time i might somehow be pregnant without knowing it.
I am home sick today. I left work at noon with a horrible migraine and am still feeling the effects. I spent most of the afternoon yesterday completely unconscious because the light was too much for me to bear.
I have always been the victim of migraines, but ibuprofen always used to save me... now i no longer take ibuprofen on the off chance that I get pregnant, or because it might interfere with ovulation or any of the other things that we've heard. I mean if ibuprofen was really working as a birth control method then I am sure lots of teen girls would be popping that when they couldn't get the real pill. But, when you are trying to have a baby then apparently you will listen to just about any rumor that can have an impact on your ability to have a child... at least i will.
Back to the 57 year old she started to hemorrhage and was diagnosed with a miscarriage... and apparently no one bothered to check via ultrasound or pregnancy test?? Honestly... and she hemorrhages for months and no one looks to see if she's had any retained tissue? Who are these doctors?
This show both intrigues and depresses me. As a woman who is trying to get pregnant the idea that you could be pregnant for months and not notice that it was going on is a strange fantasy... and of course it leads me to play mind games every single month. Even once my period has started i ask myself... am i actually having my period? is it breakthrough bleeding? Is this period lighter than usual? It is crazy the number of ways i can pretend that even despite all of the evidence to the contrary I will take any possible opportunity to pretend that maybe, just maybe i will one day be a candidate for this show. That despite the plethora of pregnancy tests within arms reach that i can take at any point in time i might somehow be pregnant without knowing it.
Monday, 8 April 2013
Teeny Tiny Ovaries
Am I wrong? I spent all day yesterday looking for the size my ovaries should be and my conclusion is that mine are tiny. Teeny tiny. They are not pleasingly plump. This does not bode well for my future fertility does it. Ovaries start off around 10 cm each from what i can tell and as you get older they get smaller, and smaller and smaller until they shrivel up like prunes... or something like that.
As I said to my husband through tears yesterday it is not just about this pregnancy, but about the next one too. We would like two children, are we dreaming? Are we just too older for that to be possible? And now we have to wait three months before we see our doctor again and find out for sure what this all means for our chances.
Then, of course, because life likes to mock me, we are going to be on vacation in Europe for most of August. This is a combination of trips to visit my husbands family who I have never met and a week with my family in Spain. My father has terminal cancer and wants to spend time with us all before he gets too sick. But right now, in my head, it's just another month we will have to wait before we can get some treatment.
And another delay before our baby comes.
As I said to my husband through tears yesterday it is not just about this pregnancy, but about the next one too. We would like two children, are we dreaming? Are we just too older for that to be possible? And now we have to wait three months before we see our doctor again and find out for sure what this all means for our chances.
Then, of course, because life likes to mock me, we are going to be on vacation in Europe for most of August. This is a combination of trips to visit my husbands family who I have never met and a week with my family in Spain. My father has terminal cancer and wants to spend time with us all before he gets too sick. But right now, in my head, it's just another month we will have to wait before we can get some treatment.
And another delay before our baby comes.
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
Missed periods and opportunities
I never know what to say.
We've only been married for 9 months, but we're old... I am 39, my husband 44 and this fact is not lost on any of our friends. And so the comments come up, a lot.
And the funniest part is no one ever questions the if... they question the when.
Let me start with Saturday... we were at a party with some old and cherished friends of my husband's. They all have kids... some one, some three, some through adoption or ivf or some through what comes naturally. But they all have them. And they all can apparently hear my biological clock.
I am drawn to kids. I love the things they say, or how the brother and sister gang up to keep me trapped in our modified version of Mouse Trap. I love how they will hop into my husbands lap and confess that her parents met each other before they met her, and when would we meet our kids? And i actually love the one little boy who argues with me and tells me that I am a mom. Because i completely feel like I am.
The kids are too precious to me, each one of them funny and charming, and sometimes spoiled and difficult, but they are perfect. You can see why their parents love them so much. And this natural inclination in me, to listen to children as they talk, and play with them sitting on the floor in the midst of a pot luck where i was required to read name tags before addressing the veritable strangers who greet me as a best friend merely as an extension of the man I married, this is what leads them all to say "when we have kids".
"You are so natural, so maternal" says our host as she admonishes us to hurry up and get on with it. See, the thing is... i'm a bit shy. I can be dirty and raunchy and funny. But this journey is so incredibly personal and so incredibly painful that I can't talk about it yet with my family, or friends, so far it is my husband and any hapless wanderers to this blog page.
I am fairly certain that this is why i have the blog. Because i feel like i am able to confess my secrets, the way you might confess to a stranger on a plane who you will never see again that you cheated on your high school boyfriend. It is cathartic and it prepares me for the question of "when" from the people in my life.
The problem is that for us it isn't a when.
On my 39th birthday i had my period start about a week early. And then after 24 hours of a very minor period it stopped. And I knew that we had finally got the best birthday present ever. Our baby. A pregnancy test on cycle day 27 revealed i was pregnant.
Two weeks later I wasn't.
It was devastating. There's no other words. The pain was unbearable, not just physically but my heart was wrenched from my body with the loss of that pregnancy. And i knew then why you wait until you are 13 weeks to share the news. Because the pain is so great that you carry that secret with you deeply inside what is left of your heart.
Our baby should have been born in May. Which always leads me to think about where i should be right now in our pregnancy. We should be fighting over names and picking out furniture for the nursery. Instead I am peeing on ovulation prediction sticks again.
And the hardest thing is I never know how to answer the questions. Do people want to know about my phantom baby that still lives in my memories? Do they want to know the pain of each month realizing that the two week wait was for nothing. Do I smile and laugh and pretend it doesn't matter and then collapse in tears in my husbands arms as soon as we get to our car? Do people want to really know that we are "trying" and all the inherent unromantic it-doesn't-matter-if-you-are-tired-tonight-you-have-to precision of it all?
Or do people still think that the stork brings babies... and we just haven't bothered to call and order ours yet?
We've only been married for 9 months, but we're old... I am 39, my husband 44 and this fact is not lost on any of our friends. And so the comments come up, a lot.
And the funniest part is no one ever questions the if... they question the when.
Let me start with Saturday... we were at a party with some old and cherished friends of my husband's. They all have kids... some one, some three, some through adoption or ivf or some through what comes naturally. But they all have them. And they all can apparently hear my biological clock.
I am drawn to kids. I love the things they say, or how the brother and sister gang up to keep me trapped in our modified version of Mouse Trap. I love how they will hop into my husbands lap and confess that her parents met each other before they met her, and when would we meet our kids? And i actually love the one little boy who argues with me and tells me that I am a mom. Because i completely feel like I am.
The kids are too precious to me, each one of them funny and charming, and sometimes spoiled and difficult, but they are perfect. You can see why their parents love them so much. And this natural inclination in me, to listen to children as they talk, and play with them sitting on the floor in the midst of a pot luck where i was required to read name tags before addressing the veritable strangers who greet me as a best friend merely as an extension of the man I married, this is what leads them all to say "when we have kids".
"You are so natural, so maternal" says our host as she admonishes us to hurry up and get on with it. See, the thing is... i'm a bit shy. I can be dirty and raunchy and funny. But this journey is so incredibly personal and so incredibly painful that I can't talk about it yet with my family, or friends, so far it is my husband and any hapless wanderers to this blog page.
I am fairly certain that this is why i have the blog. Because i feel like i am able to confess my secrets, the way you might confess to a stranger on a plane who you will never see again that you cheated on your high school boyfriend. It is cathartic and it prepares me for the question of "when" from the people in my life.
The problem is that for us it isn't a when.
On my 39th birthday i had my period start about a week early. And then after 24 hours of a very minor period it stopped. And I knew that we had finally got the best birthday present ever. Our baby. A pregnancy test on cycle day 27 revealed i was pregnant.
Two weeks later I wasn't.
It was devastating. There's no other words. The pain was unbearable, not just physically but my heart was wrenched from my body with the loss of that pregnancy. And i knew then why you wait until you are 13 weeks to share the news. Because the pain is so great that you carry that secret with you deeply inside what is left of your heart.
Our baby should have been born in May. Which always leads me to think about where i should be right now in our pregnancy. We should be fighting over names and picking out furniture for the nursery. Instead I am peeing on ovulation prediction sticks again.
And the hardest thing is I never know how to answer the questions. Do people want to know about my phantom baby that still lives in my memories? Do they want to know the pain of each month realizing that the two week wait was for nothing. Do I smile and laugh and pretend it doesn't matter and then collapse in tears in my husbands arms as soon as we get to our car? Do people want to really know that we are "trying" and all the inherent unromantic it-doesn't-matter-if-you-are-tired-tonight-you-have-to precision of it all?
Or do people still think that the stork brings babies... and we just haven't bothered to call and order ours yet?
Sunday, 17 March 2013
The Career-First Myth
I have a small addiction. I don't really know where it came from, but one day, out of the blue, i developed an addiction for the British Tabloids. There is something so inherently snarky and British about them I am drawn in. The tales of the American reality stars seem somehow more lurid and engrossing and yet, because they are read in the fake British accent in my head, somehow more proper and palatable too. I've always been an anglophile. From the Enid Blyton Books to the British comedies ("the picture of the fallen madona with the big boobies!") these were my people.
But the one thing that I keep seeing over and over again as I sift through my news feeds are contributing to the Career-First myth. This seems to be coming up a lot because the National Health System (lovingly called the NHS) has recently changed the conditions for fertility treatments. A woman, who used to be cut off at 40 is now allowed to receive a single free round of fertility treatments until the age of 42. Many people are appalled, why should tax payers foot the bill for people who were selfish and put their careers first! Women who preferred nights on the town with the bad boy instead of settling down.
Even worse there are the articles written by women who have undergone fertility treatments successfully at an older age and how now admonish the rest of us not to make their mistakes. There was the woman who told me that she was too selfish to have a child at the age of 43. (Read the story here) The idea is that once we hit a certain age we are no longer able to make the sacrifices necessary for motherhood. But my reading of this story is that THIS woman was so selfish at the age of 20, and 30 and remains so at 43. Does that mean that we all are?
I never felt like I put my career first. In fact, much to my husbands chagrin I would be more than happy to hang up my hat and spend the days cooing to our infant in her crib. I hate the idea of spending 40 hours a week trapped in an office and paying someone to look after my child with less love and care than I could.
Women are in this incredibly tough place. If we get pregnant as teenagers we are condemned to a life where we may not finish high school, or university. If we get pregnant in our 20's then we often find it hard to make use of our degrees as they come fresh off the press, plus in this economy it is no longer feasible for many graduates to stop at an undergraduate degree. So we move on to graduate school.
Older mothers are better in a lot of ways. We have fewer accidents with our children, they end up in the ER less often. They have better language skills. They have a better start. All kinds of good stuff. That's not to take anything away from younger moms... It is just that in the defense of my breed against the British Tabloids i need to point out that we aren't all bad.
I am what they call "well-educated" because i have completed several degrees. I have received bullshit and more shit and then piled it higher and deeper. I will use my skills to help my child develop. But believe me: I NEVER put my career first.
I just met the right man late in life. This shouldn't be a condemnation. He is the right one for me. I am the right one for him. We both want children.
People shouldn't mistake the fact that we are oddly shaped puzzle pieces that didn't fit with anyone else as a sign that our lives were ruled by the need to become CEO's and own third home.
But the one thing that I keep seeing over and over again as I sift through my news feeds are contributing to the Career-First myth. This seems to be coming up a lot because the National Health System (lovingly called the NHS) has recently changed the conditions for fertility treatments. A woman, who used to be cut off at 40 is now allowed to receive a single free round of fertility treatments until the age of 42. Many people are appalled, why should tax payers foot the bill for people who were selfish and put their careers first! Women who preferred nights on the town with the bad boy instead of settling down.
Even worse there are the articles written by women who have undergone fertility treatments successfully at an older age and how now admonish the rest of us not to make their mistakes. There was the woman who told me that she was too selfish to have a child at the age of 43. (Read the story here) The idea is that once we hit a certain age we are no longer able to make the sacrifices necessary for motherhood. But my reading of this story is that THIS woman was so selfish at the age of 20, and 30 and remains so at 43. Does that mean that we all are?
I never felt like I put my career first. In fact, much to my husbands chagrin I would be more than happy to hang up my hat and spend the days cooing to our infant in her crib. I hate the idea of spending 40 hours a week trapped in an office and paying someone to look after my child with less love and care than I could.
Women are in this incredibly tough place. If we get pregnant as teenagers we are condemned to a life where we may not finish high school, or university. If we get pregnant in our 20's then we often find it hard to make use of our degrees as they come fresh off the press, plus in this economy it is no longer feasible for many graduates to stop at an undergraduate degree. So we move on to graduate school.
Older mothers are better in a lot of ways. We have fewer accidents with our children, they end up in the ER less often. They have better language skills. They have a better start. All kinds of good stuff. That's not to take anything away from younger moms... It is just that in the defense of my breed against the British Tabloids i need to point out that we aren't all bad.
I am what they call "well-educated" because i have completed several degrees. I have received bullshit and more shit and then piled it higher and deeper. I will use my skills to help my child develop. But believe me: I NEVER put my career first.
I just met the right man late in life. This shouldn't be a condemnation. He is the right one for me. I am the right one for him. We both want children.
People shouldn't mistake the fact that we are oddly shaped puzzle pieces that didn't fit with anyone else as a sign that our lives were ruled by the need to become CEO's and own third home.
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