How Sweet!

I'm all choked up!  I was very kindly named for the Super Sweet blogging award by CAM at Recipes for Lemons. I've seen this award circulating through a number of people in the ALI community but it is so sweet to have been recognized in this way. 

There are some rules I need to follow:

• Thank the blogger that nominated you:  Dear CAM... Thank you.  This means a lot because I feel like I have only just started this li'l blog.. and it was something I was doing just for me.  To help me deal with everything we were going through.  To have someone read my blog was more than I ever expected.  To have you nominated me for anything that involves cupcakes is the highlight of my day! (Ok... confession... not that hard because I just spent an hour under my desk because our office was on lock down because someone was coming with a weapon... but we're safe now)
• Answer 5 super sweet questions:
  
  Questions:
  Cookies or cake?: What is this "or" business??  Do I have to choose?  Fine...cookie.. or cake... one of them.
  
  Chocolate or vanilla?:  I am allergic to chocolate... it gives me migraines.  So I reluctantly pick vanilla... but I am really bitter about it.
  Favorite sweet treat?: Key Lime Pie
  When do you crave sweet things the most?: With a cup of tea.
  Sweet nickname?:   Man... that's hard...I'm not really a sweet nickname kind of person.  I guess my dad called me "Sweetie"... but usually when he was apologizing for something so it's not a name I ever liked.
• Include the super sweet blogging award picture in your post: Ta Da!

• Nominate 12 other bloggers

• Sarah J from When is it my turn:  Sarah is currently in a two week wait after trying a new protoccol with her IUI.  I know Sarah has been struggling with how painful this journey has been for her and her husband.  I am hoping that next week she will get her BFP and she will know when her turn is.
• CAM from Recipes for Lemons:  CAM nominated me and I want to return the favour.  She is an inspiration in so many ways.  She was pregnant not too long ago and shared a due date with me.  When she went to an ultrasound they discovered the baby had stopped developing.  I was crushed for her.  But she and her husband have taken this in their stride and are moving forward with making their family through adoption.  She is determined to be a mother and she will be. 
• Catwoman 73 from Two Adults, One Child:  Catwoman73 has a beautiful girl but is still coming to terms with the fact that her family won't be getting any bigger.  Although she did just adopt a really cute cat which is helping to give her the family she always wanted.
• Kharini from My Fertility Blog:   This was the first fertility blog I ever found and she has been through so much.  She's currently working with an Egg Donor and Surrogate to give her the family she's always wanted and deserves and is hoping to do the first transfer before the end of the year.  Her kindness, sweetness and heart bleeds through the page with every log and I am so looking forward to the days that she finally gets to take home her family. 
• Stupid Stork from Stupid Stork:  This is probably the funniest blog I have ever read.  She has such a hilarious attitude towards life.  I look forward to a new post from her because I know she will have me in stitches.  I kind of want to stalk her in real life because I love funny smart women.
• Knalani from The infertile Chemist:  This is probably one of the most informative blogs out I've ever read as Knalani uses her chemistry background to breakdown the drugs that she's taking and how they interact.  She spends the time studying up on everything, learning all the statistics and reminds me of the nerdiest side of myself.
• Mrs. E from ttcbabye3:  Mrs. E has conceived her baby 3!! And our due dates are 3 days apart.  I love updates because she often has pictures from her ultrasounds that make me feel like I get a sneak peek into what is going on inside my own uterus. 
• Yeah, Science! from Yeah, Science:  Is a local blogger too who I found out shares my ultrasound clinic.  She just received news on her ultrasound that the baby has an echogenic bowel which can be a marker of trisomy 21 and CF but may also just be nothing.  She is currently waiting for results and hoping that everything is going to turn out ok. 
• Lauren from On Fecund Thought:  Lauren has recently suffered a miscarriage and is only just getting her body back on track from the experience.  She's struggling a bit I think in dealing with a SIL who is currently pregnant as she deals with her own loss.
• Amber at Old Lady and No Baby:  Amber is also currently pregnant after loss and happily just got her second betas back showing a beautiful normal doubling.  I am so happy for her but recognize the same paranoid feelings about not 100% trusting that everything is going to be ok.  I think, like me, she is holding her breath until she gets to the 2nd trimester. 
• Aramis at It Only Takes One:  This is another hilarious blogger.  She has gone through a lot of tests and is surrounded by overly fertile coworkers these days.  I have only just found her blog but I am glad that I have and I look forward to learning more about her journey.
• Risa and Chris from Who Shot Down my Stork:  I want to nominate both Risa and her occasional guest blogger Chris for this.  I love when Chris blogs because too few men keep blogs and his insights allow me an insight into the things my husband might be feeling but doesn't tell me about. Risa is a fantastic blogger and she just shared the story of how they got together.  They seem like a perfect match for each other.

Wait... how is that already 12?  There's so many brilliant bloggers out there and they have given me a lot of inspiration and reasons to feel hope.  I love this community and am so glad that i have found them all.  The support that I have felt is amazing and I find myself looking forward to following all of these stories every day. 

Meeting Shmily

Yesterday was amazing.  There's just no other words for it.  Unfortunately I am terrible with blogger app for my phone and swipe texting in general.. so I lost patience trying to write a proper update yesterday.

I will admit, fully, that I was unfocused and unproductive yesterday.  I fortunately could spend the morning looking for some cartoons to use in a talk which meant that I didn't really have to be too productive at all. 

My husband was coming with me for the appointment and, because I HATE driving in downtown Toronto I would much rather take the bus to my husbands workplace (3 municipalities over) and have him drive us both into the city.  However, the bus runs on its own schedule, not mine.  The only bus that would get us there in time for our appointment meant we were almost an hour early.

Fortunately this paid off, they were running ahead of schedule and they were able to take me more than half an hour early. 

At first the tech said she was going to try an abdominal ultrasound.  I didn't want to waste the time, i just wanted her to go straight for the money shot, the one that would clearly and unambiguously show us our baby.  But... I acquiesced.

I lay dociley on the bed and pulled up my dress.  She covered me in jelly and instantly the words were out of her mouth.  "There's the heartbeat."  there was no waiting, there was no agonizing seconds as she tried to bring our baby into focus.  It was just there with a beautiful flickering heart beat. 

The tears started to stream down my face.  "You can see the heart?  It's really there?"

She showed us on the monitor.  My husband, who had been hovering awkwardly at the foot of the table slumped into the chair at my feet and began to stroke them.  "It's ok" I could hear him mumbling to himself.  "Our baby is okay".

The technician then decided she still needed to do a vaginal ultrasound to get a better picture for dating.  I happily assumed the position for a better look at our baby. 

"That's the head.  Oh and the baby is waving his arms" the tech points out to us.  "See that big empty spot in the head... that's normal' (uh... dear ultrasound technician... please don't point out my baby's brain area as a empty spot and tell me it's normal.. it makes me worry the baby will take after my family!) 

We couldn't have been more thrilled.  I could have stayed for hours, never has a vaginal ultrasound been such a wonderful experience. 

Shmily measured at 8 weeks and 1 day (1.6 cm) which means my due date has been adjusted to January 13, 2014.  This is 3 days later than I thought, puts the ovulation date fully into where I was testing with OPKs.  Total stealth ovulation.  Stealth baby. 

The disappointment was no takeaway pictures to nauseate our friends and family with when we finally tell them.  But I have another ultrasound in about 3 weeks so hopefully then. 

But what a relief to know that s/he is in there and growing happily. 

May the Fourth be with you (oh how I love bad puns!)

I had a dental appointment today.  Typical cleaning.  The dental hygenist told me it was time for x-rays.... was there any chance I might be pregnant?

I realized right then, in that second I still had a glimmer of hope.  Even though i didn't see any LH surge this month i still had a small glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe I some how missed it.

"There's a chance", I hear myself replying, hoping, wishing. 

Is a there chance?  My temperature has been higher than normal but not as high as post ovulation normally is... and so I find myself clinging desperately to the hope that maybe somehow it still happened.

Right now I am clinging to this hope.

Tomorrow is the calculated due date of the pregnancy I lost.  Tomorrow, or even right this second, I was supposed to be welcoming my baby into this world.  Holding her for the first time, handing him to my husband for a photo.   I am feeling raw this weekend... this wasn't how May was supposed to start.

And, with my luck and raw nerves tomorrow will be the day I give up this last glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe I turned down the x-rays for a reason.