Empty Circle means empty uterus

When i was responding to comments on my blog yesterday I was struck by two comments...  one person suggested that the circle was a fill in the blank... leaving us to put our own emotions on the lack of ovulation.  Another suggested that it was because it best expresses how you feel with negative test after negative test... that empty feeling inside.  As a result all I can think now is that the emptiness of that circle will lead to another emptiness in two weeks time.

Despite the continuing negative tests and the absolute lack of a faint line at all on any ovulation test at all I am playing the second guessing game:

1) did i miss it?
2) is it going to happen late?
3) did it happen early?
4) maybe I didn't do it right?
5) my boobs are sore, so I must have ovulated right?
6) my BBT is a little higher than normal but not as high as post ovulation - what could THAT mean?
7) maybe I am already pregnant, and what I thought was my period was actually just break through bleeding and i watched this show where this woman didn't know she was pregnant until she actually gave birth so it could totally happen even though there was a wand looking at my uterus on day 3 of this cycle and they took blood and they saw follicles growing for my next cycle... it could still happen right?

I sometimes wonder if delusions is a symptom of infertility.  I so desperately want to be pregnant that I am willing to play mind games and engage in a complete suspension of disbelief.  But, I should probably accept the reality... this is not going to be my month.  But, to be honest, I'm still going to play the maybe it happened game.

Happy Face and Sad Face

Cycle Day 19, for me, usually the day that I get that digital happy face on my ovulation prediction kit  but not today.  I am pretty sure that any of you who are also trying to conceive know exactly what I mean.  Clear Blue ovulation kits are brilliant because they give you a very clear indication of if you are ovulating or not.  A happy face means an LH surge, it means a reason for baby dancing and hope for the two week wait.

The makers of the kit were smart enough  not to actually use a sad face if you aren't ovulating, they just use an empty circle.  But it translates into a sad face anyway.  I am going to try again tonight.. but i am worried that I am not going to ovulate this month... (although, i think i worry about this every month, I could be just paranoid).

On a happier note, and a reason for a happy face, my father has been discharged from the hospital and is going home.  The medication that he is on to prevent metastases has a lot of side effects, he is on for 2 weeks and off for one week to let him recuperate.  This past week, his "good week" as he calls it he didn't recover at all and has spent 4 days in hospital... today he has to start the medication again.  I hope that they can adjust his medication enough that he isn't hospitalized again by the end of this two week period.

Thank you to everyone who has stopped by from ICLW and who has sent me best wishes for my father.   It is so amazing to feel your kindness. 

How solving a mystery can result in pregnancy symptoms

I have no doubt that the phenomenon is well studied by any woman who is currently trying to conceive.  It is almost mystical the rate at which she can develop every symptom known to affect those in early pregnancy simply by reading a list.  Like the "communicated" wind turbine syndrome  early pregnancy symptoms are, no doubt in my mind, completely and totally caused by the nocebo effect.

In one of my many dozens of searches I have done over the years into "early pregnancy symptoms" I once came across this sage advice:

Remember, many pregnant women who were not trying to conceive do not even realize they are pregnant until well into the first trimester, meaning that symptoms are often subtle or nonexistent during the two week wait.

Oh, yeah... that is definitely advice i need to take.  It should help me to stop googling symptoms to see if that twinge in my back, that dryness in my mouth, that queasiness in my belly could herald the arrival of a baby.  Of course it never does.  Every month I announce to my husband "I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant.  Don't you think?  Do you think I could be pregnant?"  He wisely nods yes and we play this game for two weeks until my period arrives and brings with it a flood of tears.

So, this month when i was convinced that I had not ovulated  my boobs felt no bigger than usual for a period.  The nipples did not seem to mysteriously darken in certain light (duh... that's called shadows) and my cramps seemed to be nice normal run of the mill pre-menstral cramps... gearing up for the visit by the painters on Thursday or Friday.

That is until I ran a single Google search yesterday at lunch: "Can ovulation be delayed after a positive OPK?"  Well, as usual The Google Oracle spit out an answer and in summation the truth is that sometimes it can take as much as 3 days for your body to experience a thermal shift after ovulation has occurred.  And now my pattern is definitely biphasic... which means suddenly these damn breasts seem so sore... and I can't seem to stop feeling them (making them more sore no doubt).  And I'm definitely tired this morning.  Really tired.  And... damn... i'm playing that stupid two week wait game again. 

Why some two week waits are shorter than others

Years ago I was moving back to Canada from the United States and I contracted a storage facility over the phone to rent a 5 x 10 storage locker.  On moving day I pulled my U-haul truck up to the front door with all of my possessions inside and i started unloading.  I took one look at the storage room and I knew there was a problem.  There was no way this space was a 5 x 10.  My stuff wasn't going to fit.  We paced it out and the room ended up being a 4 x 8.  "Listen lady", the manager told me "Some 5 x 10's are bigger than others".  I refrained from asking him if he was using his penis as the measuring device.... but just barely.

This is when I first learned that standard measurements are not always that standard.  My period has also learned this lesson.

When I first went to see my doctor about going to a fertility clinic she asked me if we were "trying" for a baby.  I told her yes, we weren't using birth control.  That is the day that I learned that trying was something completely different.  And we introduced things like the basal body temperature (BBT) and the ovulation prediction kits (OPK) into our marriage and instructions from my doctor that it should be "military style"... which isn't a new position, it was her code for timed, on demand sex.  She suggested this for 3 months.... if nothing stuck she would refer me to the fertility clinic.

I've since told my doctor that I've had worse prescriptions.  And we try to make sure it is fun and flirty and not any of the "just shut up, i don't even want to talk to you right now, but we need to have sex because it's ovulation time" sort of sex that I've heard of from other people I know.

Military style though has made one thing very clear to me.  My two week wait is shorter than others.  It seems to go from 9 - 10 days.  Which is on the very cusp of having a luteal phase defect according the The Google.  See the Luteal Phase is the time in your cycle where you have progesterone coursing through your body and it allows the fertilized egg to implant in your lining.  It is normally 10 - 14 days, though most common is 14 days.  Anything shorter than 10 days is considered to be a defect which can prevent the implantation of the egg.  This was a bit of a revelation for me, and something I never would have found out without all of the joys of sticking a thermometer in my mouth before kissing my husband in the mornings.

The Google of course had suggestions.  Apparently "some people" report a lengthening of the luteal phase with vitamin B6.  I'm always somewhat suspicious of anything that says "some people", but since there doesn't seem to be any toxicity i can find associated with vitamin B6 I am trying it for the first time on this cycle.  We will see if it makes a difference. 

I am of course hoping that this apparent Luteal phase defect is the cause of our infertility.  The cure seems to be straight forward... throw a little progesterone on and you can fix anything.  Of course the testing required to make that diagnosis official is probably awful.  It seems to involve biopsies and needles stuck through places I don't want needles to go. 

I don't know how I feel about herbal medicines.  I am trained as a scientist.  I want to see results and studies done with proper controls... but I also can't help but think... "well, what if it is that
easy, just take a few vitamins..."

Especially since I don't think there is any chance of being pregnant this month. 

I guess the chicken comes first...

Basal Body Temperature:  36.27

In the old riddle "which comes first the chicken or the egg" you know if your BBT doesn't rise there is no egg.  Therefore, the chicken comes first.

I had harboured these secret unrealistic hopes and wishes that somehow we would squeak one in.  That I would go meet our reproductive endocrinologist and she would order blood work that would reveal their services were not necessary because we were already pregnant.  That will not happen.

So, in a bid for silver linings I am happy that we will not have a baby born too close to Christmas, because that always sucks.. plus we were sort of thinking of doing Christmas in Florida this year and waking up to sunshine instead of snow.
 

Did I or didn't I...

Temperature:  36.22 or 36.77

Last night was a late night.  Very late. 

I woke up this morning in time for work... took my temperature and fell asleep while doing it.  The beeping of the thermometer woke up me... it said 36.22.  But... was it actually in the right place, under my tongue, or was it off to the side as my tongue lolled out of my mouth.

Then... when I woke up again and the reading on the temperature was 36.77.  This is higher than normal for my BBT post ovulation.  But I don't know if i was asleep long enough after getting out of bed for it to be my BBT.  Actually it is higher than normal for my non-basal body temperature.  So, i am left in doubt.. .did i?  or didn't i?

I know that you can have an LH surge from the ovulation kits and not actually produce an egg.  So, I don't know yet if have a chance to get pregnant this month or not.  I will have to wait until tomorrow.  I don't want to wait until tomorrow.

UPDATE:  when I got home from work I noticed that you can get almost a 1 C temperature drop if you take your temperature with your mouth open. So I am keeping my fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Yay!! Pee-on-a-stick day is here already

My husband and I had a conversation the other day in which i told him that peeing on a stick seems like something little boys should be doing, not grown women.  He swears he NEVER went through a pee on the stick phase though.

It's about that time of the month, when the juices start flowing and i have to start worrying about timing the baby dance in such a way that a baby might actually dance.  I have to say though that i have actually given up hope that this will happen, but, for the sake of the scientist in me, i feel it is important to collect as much data as possible before we meet our RE in 13 days.

I happen to be very fortunate and I live withing a 15 minute drive of my workplace... but, this tends to lead me to do very stupid things, like last night when i was convinced that I could "hold it" until i got home so i could pee on a stick.  I forgot, as i made this decision, that the road between my office and my home also includes a walk into the parking lot of at least 10 minutes, and then the road itself is very bumpy... and it is freaking cold in Canada this time of year... so this all leads to me doing the pee-pee dance like a toddler.

I learned a lovely word: micturation.  I love it.  It's the point where you are going to pee your pants.  Isn't science great that there is even a word for this??!!  See:

[From Latin micturre, to want to urinate, desiderative of meiere, to urinate; see meigh- in Indo-European roots.]

So, i was there, trying to a test, and trying to find a cup... i didn't think I was going to make it!

Does anyone else have trouble with the actual peeing on the stick part?  I find that i get so concerned about trying to do it right that i pee really hard, and sometimes miss the stick... my body isn't built to aim.  That's why i think boys should be the ones peeing on sticks, not me.

The test was negative.  Guess tonight is pee on a stick night too... i just have to try to time it better so i don't have to do the pee pee dance.