Meeting Shmily

Yesterday was amazing.  There's just no other words for it.  Unfortunately I am terrible with blogger app for my phone and swipe texting in general.. so I lost patience trying to write a proper update yesterday.

I will admit, fully, that I was unfocused and unproductive yesterday.  I fortunately could spend the morning looking for some cartoons to use in a talk which meant that I didn't really have to be too productive at all. 

My husband was coming with me for the appointment and, because I HATE driving in downtown Toronto I would much rather take the bus to my husbands workplace (3 municipalities over) and have him drive us both into the city.  However, the bus runs on its own schedule, not mine.  The only bus that would get us there in time for our appointment meant we were almost an hour early.

Fortunately this paid off, they were running ahead of schedule and they were able to take me more than half an hour early. 

At first the tech said she was going to try an abdominal ultrasound.  I didn't want to waste the time, i just wanted her to go straight for the money shot, the one that would clearly and unambiguously show us our baby.  But... I acquiesced.

I lay dociley on the bed and pulled up my dress.  She covered me in jelly and instantly the words were out of her mouth.  "There's the heartbeat."  there was no waiting, there was no agonizing seconds as she tried to bring our baby into focus.  It was just there with a beautiful flickering heart beat. 

The tears started to stream down my face.  "You can see the heart?  It's really there?"

She showed us on the monitor.  My husband, who had been hovering awkwardly at the foot of the table slumped into the chair at my feet and began to stroke them.  "It's ok" I could hear him mumbling to himself.  "Our baby is okay".

The technician then decided she still needed to do a vaginal ultrasound to get a better picture for dating.  I happily assumed the position for a better look at our baby. 

"That's the head.  Oh and the baby is waving his arms" the tech points out to us.  "See that big empty spot in the head... that's normal' (uh... dear ultrasound technician... please don't point out my baby's brain area as a empty spot and tell me it's normal.. it makes me worry the baby will take after my family!) 

We couldn't have been more thrilled.  I could have stayed for hours, never has a vaginal ultrasound been such a wonderful experience. 

Shmily measured at 8 weeks and 1 day (1.6 cm) which means my due date has been adjusted to January 13, 2014.  This is 3 days later than I thought, puts the ovulation date fully into where I was testing with OPKs.  Total stealth ovulation.  Stealth baby. 

The disappointment was no takeaway pictures to nauseate our friends and family with when we finally tell them.  But I have another ultrasound in about 3 weeks so hopefully then. 

But what a relief to know that s/he is in there and growing happily. 

May the Fourth be with you (oh how I love bad puns!)

I had a dental appointment today.  Typical cleaning.  The dental hygenist told me it was time for x-rays.... was there any chance I might be pregnant?

I realized right then, in that second I still had a glimmer of hope.  Even though i didn't see any LH surge this month i still had a small glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe I some how missed it.

"There's a chance", I hear myself replying, hoping, wishing. 

Is a there chance?  My temperature has been higher than normal but not as high as post ovulation normally is... and so I find myself clinging desperately to the hope that maybe somehow it still happened.

Right now I am clinging to this hope.

Tomorrow is the calculated due date of the pregnancy I lost.  Tomorrow, or even right this second, I was supposed to be welcoming my baby into this world.  Holding her for the first time, handing him to my husband for a photo.   I am feeling raw this weekend... this wasn't how May was supposed to start.

And, with my luck and raw nerves tomorrow will be the day I give up this last glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe I turned down the x-rays for a reason.