Deep Breath

For everyone else out there this is going to seem silly... or maybe it won't because most of the people who do read this blog have been exactly where i was and understand why the teeniest tiniest steps are the hardest to take.

Today I took one of those teeny-tiny steps, but one that has profound significance for me and accepting and believing that Shmily is really going to be ok.  Today i ordered books on line.. Yay me!  Ok.. see.. teeny tiny step... but there's background.

First, when i was pregnant the first time I ordered this book (except not from Amazon because I read this article and now I can't order from Amazon because I just keep picturing the nightmare of a cut-out cheerfully telling the poor person putting together my order that it is the "best job they've ever had").  I pictured being able to follow along with my baby as it went through all of the milestones... knowing what was going on inside my belly.  I was excited and thrilled and happy. 

The day after i started to miscarry was the day it arrived.  I went to the store to pick up the book (oddly if you order a book to the store you don't pay shipping charges and it is often cheaper than the price of the same book in the store)... stone-faced, determined not to cry, and damning myself for spending the money thinking that the baby was for keeps when it so wasn't meant to be.  I couldn't return the book... I couldn't get the words out.  I brought the book home and took to bed crying.  My husband came home and found the book and hid it for me so i wouldn't have to see it. 

I was determined that I wouldn't ever do that again.  I wasn't going to tempt fate into giving me another miscarriage because i was out buying things for a baby that wasn't meant to be.  And then today that's sort of what I did.

We have a plan.. it's kind of a cheesy plan, but I think my husband and I are pretty cheesy people sometimes.  Our plan is to give my father a grandparents memory book on father's day (or possibly the weekend after on my father's birthday) ... tell him we are going to need it back in January (and hope that he gets the hint... or at least that one member of the family will).  We are going to do the same thing for my MIL to tell her.  But now we've decided that we want a memory book from each of the grandparents so that no matter what Shmily will have a sense of his/her history. 

Well Father's Day is quickly approaching, as is my father's birthday and the books that I want are mostly not available for perusing in the bookstores... or at least not all in one place... so today I took a big step in trusting Shmily and my body again by ordering 8 different books (what?  I can return the ones we don't want) so that we can choose the ones we like best. 

Trusting that we are going to get to use them.