Stunned

I can't relax.  I've been here before.  I've progressed this far into my pregnancy only to have it end. 

There are so many reasons this was not supposed to happen, and so many reasons to expect that it won't last.

1) I have Cushing's disease, which causes infertility.  It is a disease in which a tumor on your pituitary or adrenal gland makes you pump out so much cortisol coursing through your body that everything else kind of stops working properly.  It also causes weight gain, facial hair, messed up hormones, diabetes, high blood pressure, acanthosis nigricans, wow... it's so fun...  it's also so rare that we have the distinction of being an episode of House.  Season 1, episode 16 "Heavy". 

2) I have a 10 day luteal phase.  I have been taking Vitamin B6 for about 6 weeks.  This month was the first full month where I had taken B6 throughout my cycle.  Did it help?  do I have to become a vitamin believer now?

3) I have hypothyroidism.  This is likely due to the excess glucocorticosteroids from the cushing's.  After the removal of the adrenal (non cancercous) tumor it is necessary to be continuously observed for Hasimoto's disease.  

4) I am nearly 40.  Ah the joys of advanced maternal age... Even if I progress through this pregnancy I won't be able to relax for months.

5) There was no LH surge this month.  I tested.  I tested the crap out of my pee this month.  I was like a scientist as soon as I woke up every freaking morning.   There was hardly any CM.  There was only a most minor of temperature shifts compared to normal... usually I take my temp when i wake up about 4 in the morning.  It is usually 36.2 for pre ovulation, 36.6 for post ovulation.  This month it was 36.4... It wasn't until about cycle day 30 when it suddenly shifted to 36.6 then 36.8 where it sits right now.

So far this pregnancy has been completely different from the last one.  No implantation bleeding, no spotting.  So far I feel like I am in a perpetual state of pms cramps.  And fatigue... but part of that may just be because I haven't slept much... I am too busy checking my body for signs and symptoms that the pregnancy is still here... I know that different is good... different is better... maybe this one is different enough to stay.

I also feel guilty right now, that this has happened for me, at least for now, and so many people who have worked so much harder are still working, are still wishing and hoping for their dream.
Thank you all for your good wishes... I am hoping and wishing fervently that the same thing happens for you, and soon. 

I'm still holding my breath.. I am afraid to exhale....

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition

 

So....................

I guess I did ovulate. 

I am shocked... and I don't really believe this yet....

and i hope it sticks

and i'm scared it won't