Stunned

I can't relax.  I've been here before.  I've progressed this far into my pregnancy only to have it end. 

There are so many reasons this was not supposed to happen, and so many reasons to expect that it won't last.

1) I have Cushing's disease, which causes infertility.  It is a disease in which a tumor on your pituitary or adrenal gland makes you pump out so much cortisol coursing through your body that everything else kind of stops working properly.  It also causes weight gain, facial hair, messed up hormones, diabetes, high blood pressure, acanthosis nigricans, wow... it's so fun...  it's also so rare that we have the distinction of being an episode of House.  Season 1, episode 16 "Heavy". 

2) I have a 10 day luteal phase.  I have been taking Vitamin B6 for about 6 weeks.  This month was the first full month where I had taken B6 throughout my cycle.  Did it help?  do I have to become a vitamin believer now?

3) I have hypothyroidism.  This is likely due to the excess glucocorticosteroids from the cushing's.  After the removal of the adrenal (non cancercous) tumor it is necessary to be continuously observed for Hasimoto's disease.  

4) I am nearly 40.  Ah the joys of advanced maternal age... Even if I progress through this pregnancy I won't be able to relax for months.

5) There was no LH surge this month.  I tested.  I tested the crap out of my pee this month.  I was like a scientist as soon as I woke up every freaking morning.   There was hardly any CM.  There was only a most minor of temperature shifts compared to normal... usually I take my temp when i wake up about 4 in the morning.  It is usually 36.2 for pre ovulation, 36.6 for post ovulation.  This month it was 36.4... It wasn't until about cycle day 30 when it suddenly shifted to 36.6 then 36.8 where it sits right now.

So far this pregnancy has been completely different from the last one.  No implantation bleeding, no spotting.  So far I feel like I am in a perpetual state of pms cramps.  And fatigue... but part of that may just be because I haven't slept much... I am too busy checking my body for signs and symptoms that the pregnancy is still here... I know that different is good... different is better... maybe this one is different enough to stay.

I also feel guilty right now, that this has happened for me, at least for now, and so many people who have worked so much harder are still working, are still wishing and hoping for their dream.
Thank you all for your good wishes... I am hoping and wishing fervently that the same thing happens for you, and soon. 

I'm still holding my breath.. I am afraid to exhale....

My ICLW introduction post 4 days late (just like i wish my period was)

This week I am participating in International Comment Leaving Week for the first time.  I am new to blogging and this week has been amazing to get to read so many other peoples journeys.  Each of us is at different places and have different struggles.  I have found some incredible new blogs to read and have read parts of each and everyone one on the list so far.

This has, however, made me realize that I FAILED EPICALLY because it seems that it would have been nice to take the time to actually introduce myself to anyone stopping by for the first time.

We are at the start of our journey.  We have been TTC for 13 heartbreaking months.  For my 39th birthday we got the gift we were waiting for. 

You know that really irritating home pregnancy test commercial that starts "Don't you wish you could know you are pregnant as soon as it happens?"  Well I did.  On my 39th birthday I had the most vicious awful cramps.  I had some light bleeding.  It was all exactly 7 days post ovulation.  Then the bleeding stopped.  I felt every single symptom I should.  I just KNEW I was pregnant.

When I finally took a home pregnancy test 6 days later, 1 day before my period my husband actually NODDED AT ME AND WENT BACK TO READING HIS BOOK.  Because as far as he was concerned, we had known for a week already, he couldn't understand why I was telling him again. 

That was my momentous reveal.  

We are no longer pregnant.  But he has learned that if we ever get pregnant again that nodding is not an acceptable response.

My husband and I are older, I am still 39 for a few months, my husband is 44.  We are aware of the constantly ticking clock.  Our time is passing.  We found each other late in life and have been married less than a year.  We both want children.  We hope that we will be one of the lucky ones.

We have consulted with an RE but because i did get pregnant within 6 months of trying she wants so to try for a minimum of another 7 cycles after the miscarriage before we start anything more  intensive.  We are in the middle of cycle 5.  Our next appointment with the RE is at the end of July. 

Our fertility struggles are complicated by my diagnosis and treatment for adrenal Cushing's and now it looks like hypothyroidism. 

Currently we share our home with a small black cat who begrudgingly allows us to use the bedroom between 11pm and 7am... but going to bed early or waking up late results in caterwauling like you wouldn't believe.    

So, that is my introduction, my story in a nutshell.    Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories with me.

Sucked Dry.

So here I was thinking that by waiting for my second set of blood work and having that and my STD panel done at the same time I would be saving myself a prick. 

Nope.

14 vials of blood and 5 bruises later i look like a hit and run victim.  My veins kept collapsing under the repeated requests for blood, and doing blood work with a migraine always gives me more bruises. 

Today's wardrobe is a long sleeves!

A little grossness for your day

May I begin this post with:  EWWWWWWW

It's amazing the things you will read sometimes.  Believe me, when I clicked on this article I actually thought it was going to be cocktails I could give my husband to improve his semen for conception.  I expected it to have things like wheat grass and zinc and not... well... what it has.

I am home sick again today.  The weather here is giving me horrible migraines off and on.  I am trying not to take any drugs, but I will be happy when the storm system clears our area.  My husband has also taken today off sick.  For me being sick still means I have to get work done.  I'm currently on a contract and so I don't actually have things like sick days and vacation time.  But I do have a really fabulous boss and a very flexible work environment.  I am doing some research that I can do at home just as easily as in the office and it allows me to control the light better and lay down when my head gets especially bad.

My second set of blood work came yesterday so my darling husband and I may go out and get that done this afternoon.  I would rather get my TSH done right away just in case there is a problem.  I think that with having had an adrenal gland removed already I am more susceptible to things like Hashimoto's disease and hypothyroidism because my hormones are unbalanced and my poor right adrenal gland has to work all the time and never gets to take weekends off the way your adrenal gland does.  For me there is always the threat of adrenal insufficiency and death if i get run down.

We also have to have our communicable disease blood work done.  I am not concerned about this, i know we will both pass with flying colours, but does anyone know what happens to couples who have something like syphillis or hepC?  Are they not allowed to use assisted reproductive technologies (ART) or does the staff just use special precautions when dealing with  samples from that couple?  My understanding is that it has much more to do with the handling of biohazards than anything else.

When I did research my last project that I worked on was on the bacteria that caused syphillis.  So hypothetically contracting syphillis was a workplace hazard... just me and the streetwalkers can say that!  We actually had one of the lab techs stab herself in the finger with a needle filled with syphillis once.  Imagine having to go home to your husband and explain that one.  Fortunately I never suffered and injuries of this sort.  So we should be good to go for IUI when our time comes.