Wednesday, 10 July 2013


I have no idea why this was so hard... but I took a big and scary step for me today.  I had to call our RE's office and say that we would no longer be needing the appointment we have scheduled next week. 

I had put it off as long as I could.  I wouldn't even cancel when they called last week to move it up a week.  I couldn't bring myself to trust that I could cancel because we wouldn't need their appointment.  I am 3 months pregnant and yet, still, hanging over me is the terror that today could be my last day. 

I'm not normally superstitious, but i feel like one of those baseball players that when they are on a winning streak they won't change their socks, or their route to drive to the baseball field.  This total paranoia that even the slightest change in the routine will upset the delicate balance of the universe that has led to them being 12 for 12. 

That is how I feel about Shmily.  I feel like this pregnancy is a streak that is just waiting to be broken.  Like those signs in factories that say 114 days without a workplace accident.  They always seem to be tempting fate.  I have been pregnant for 93 days.  And even now I wonder if I am going to make it to day 94.

I know this is my pregnancy after loss brain that is completely not trusting my own body, or trusting this pregnancy.

But, I called (because my tomorrow we would have had to pay) and I cancelled.  They called back.  They congratulated me.  Told me it was wonderful news and how happy they are for us. 

But I just feel unsettled.  Like I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.


  1. You're not alone, don't worry. Unfortunately, the waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop feeling never ends. It gets better, but I think it's part of becoming/being a parent. Trust that good things...miracles...streaks like this pregnancy of yours do happen though. This is happening for you, and with each day that passes, it's even more likely that tomorrow will happen, too. For what it's worth, I don't say this lightly. I had many (late term) close calls with the twins that I can't help but worry about now. It's SO easy to worry about the future, but the only thing we know for sure is what we know now--and that is, Today, we are pregnant. As always, 7 and I are cheering you and Shmily on!!

  2. Good for you for calling! And Mrs. E is right. You are not alone. But I would say, at least do your best to try to enjoy it the best you can. Keep the fear if you have to. But also, don't let the fear squash the great moments. :)

  3. I know how you feel... when my RE transferred me to a regular OB at 8 weeks, I thought he was making a huge mistake, or at the very least jinxing things. Then I started attributing my good luck to a necklace I was wearing and refused to take it off. I'm more relaxed now that I can feel baby boy moving on a regular basis, so I'm sure it'll be the same for you. Set your sights on the anatomy scan; things for SURE get easier from that point on...

  4. I would have held on to that appointment til the bitter end, too! You were just hedging your bets, and it's smart. I think you're pretty safe, now though... so glad you've taken the leap!