My husband, it seems, is determined not to be one of those men who coddle the women in their life who are pregnant. He has watched his one brother not allow his wife to do even a dish and I don't think he was impressed with the additional extra work that is created for the husband if this should occur.
Long before I found out we were pregnant we had started a somewhat drawn-out process of building a vegetable bed. The sunniest part of our yard, and best place for growing vegetables is slopping and subject to intense weeds. The only option was to build a box, level the dirt, roto-till the soil, cover it in weed barrier and eventually plant. My husband was determined this was not going to be a one-man job.
the day we bought the wood I dutifully loaded half the wood into my car, drove it home and unloaded the wood from my car... my husband took care of the other half. The next morning I peed on a stick... i was pregnant. But, my husband wanted me to continue with the moving of the wood, the digging of the dirt so we could sink the wood beams, the roto-tilling, the weeding etc... I happily complied until saturday afternoon. I went to the bathroom and there was the teeniest, tiniest amount of brownish discharge. (sorry too gross?)
The fear that it struck in my heart was immediate, I was certain it was going to be the start of a miscarriage. I spent the next 24 hours grabbing my own boobs to see if they are becoming any less painful (oddly, the more I manhandle them the more painful they seem to get), and obsessively looking for more signs or symptoms every time i went to the washroom. My husband was equally terrified. I was ordered to bed for the rest of the weekend (ok... i complied with that order really fast I am exhausted).
Fortunately there hasn't been anything else going on and today I had some nausea (although still no vomiting). My symptoms have been mild to date to say the least. When I finally have this baby safely in my arms I will be so very happy and grateful for the mildest of pregnancy symptoms I have experience but right now I would be so much more comforted by some compulsion to pray at the porcelain basin and something, anything that makes me feel horribly, awfully, uncomfortably, undeniably pregnant.
They finally called late Friday afternoon with the date of my viability
ultrasound... June 4th. Another 8 days from now. I am so anxious i
have no idea how I am going to be able to wait. This can't be good for
the baby. They should sneak me in early on compassionate grounds.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Monday, 27 May 2013
Sunday, 28 April 2013
Couples Therapy
I love my husband. He is the person that I look for when i have news - good or bad. He is the arms I want to cry in. He is the chest I want to curl up against. He is my pillow. He is my security blanket. He is my source of strength. He is my everything.
He loves me. He laughs at my jokes. He pulls me into his arms. He showers me in kisses. He nibbles on my ears. He calls me his little lunatic - which to me is the most wonderfully romantic thing he can say, and it is all in the way he says it.
Still... I have to face up to the fact that it is time for us to talk to someone else.
When I first met my husband he was in therapy. He had been in therapy for over a decade. He had a difficult childhood and spent most of his adult life processing those facts. He is not good at expressing himself. He is learning to communicate.
Before me he was alone, mostly by choice although he made that choice unconsciously. He tried to push me away for many years before he finally succumbed to my charms. In the year that we have been married he has gone off antidepressants, he has stopped seeing his therapist, he has made huge progress that he is proud of.
But lately I've been seeing the signs that make me think we need to bring in some big guns. I suspect the infertility is at the heart of it. He wants to make me happy and doesn't know how to give me the baby we want. He took a week vacation. A week later he called in sick. This week he called in sick again. He is starting to get blue, and I need to find him the help he needs before it gets worse.
We are both struggling with the negative HPT's every cycle, the fear that we will never get there. He is having trouble watching me deal with my father's illness. He hates hospitals and it stresses him out to visit. I don't know how to get him to talk to me about what he's feeling, maybe because he his trying to be strong for me. But we definitely need some help so we can keep being strong for each other.
I feel like it is admitting failure in our beautiful love story that we can't navigate all of the paths alone, we aren't fighting really, but I don't want to start. In my clear mind I know this is prophylactic, preventative so that we can learn to talk to each other. But I will always wish it wasn't necessary.
He loves me. He laughs at my jokes. He pulls me into his arms. He showers me in kisses. He nibbles on my ears. He calls me his little lunatic - which to me is the most wonderfully romantic thing he can say, and it is all in the way he says it.
Still... I have to face up to the fact that it is time for us to talk to someone else.
When I first met my husband he was in therapy. He had been in therapy for over a decade. He had a difficult childhood and spent most of his adult life processing those facts. He is not good at expressing himself. He is learning to communicate.
Before me he was alone, mostly by choice although he made that choice unconsciously. He tried to push me away for many years before he finally succumbed to my charms. In the year that we have been married he has gone off antidepressants, he has stopped seeing his therapist, he has made huge progress that he is proud of.
But lately I've been seeing the signs that make me think we need to bring in some big guns. I suspect the infertility is at the heart of it. He wants to make me happy and doesn't know how to give me the baby we want. He took a week vacation. A week later he called in sick. This week he called in sick again. He is starting to get blue, and I need to find him the help he needs before it gets worse.
We are both struggling with the negative HPT's every cycle, the fear that we will never get there. He is having trouble watching me deal with my father's illness. He hates hospitals and it stresses him out to visit. I don't know how to get him to talk to me about what he's feeling, maybe because he his trying to be strong for me. But we definitely need some help so we can keep being strong for each other.
I feel like it is admitting failure in our beautiful love story that we can't navigate all of the paths alone, we aren't fighting really, but I don't want to start. In my clear mind I know this is prophylactic, preventative so that we can learn to talk to each other. But I will always wish it wasn't necessary.
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