First, sorry for the delay in updating. I had tried to post something from my cell phone but it didn't seem to work. Then I've been feeling a bit "off" for the last few days. I don't know if this is a new and "exciting" symptom of pregnancy or if i have a tummy bug. Either way I'm not enjoying it. Finally, my beloved nephew of "can I see your lady parts?" infamy is staying for us for the week. I'm keeping the bathroom door locked.
First, the NT scan. I was so incredibly relieved that Shmily's little heart is beating away. This was my biggest fear. I was terrified of a missed miscarriage that would be discovered at this scan. It was keeping me up at night as I ran my hand over my beginning bump and murmuring to the baby within. But that baby is still doing ok. That was the biggest relief. Our beautiful little baby is doing well. However, it has taken after it's future mummy and daddy and was soundly sleeping through most of the ultrasound. The tech kept making me wiggle on the bed to try to move the baby around. It wasn't really well positioned for taking pictures of the neck, which after all is what we were there for. She even finally tried a vaginal ultrasound and had me wiggle around with that damn dildo-cam inside me... those made for some interesting pictures flashing across the screen.
She didn't tell us the size of anything, but my husband is pretty sure that when she did measure something it measured 1.5mm, which is well shy of the 3mm worry point. But my husband could be wrong on that front. She did tell us that there were no red flags and nothing to worry about. I cried with joy the whole way home that day. Seeing our babies heartbeat momentarily relieves any fears that still flare up because of my previous miscarriage. Even though this baby has made it (almost) to the second trimester I still don't 100% trust that this baby is coming home with us.
I was trying to send a picture to my work account so I could upload it to my blog, but I seem to be incredibly technically challenged. If i figure it out i will include a pic.
The other update, which is minor in a way, but could become bigger, is that I have begun the steps of talking to the hospital about the "genetic counseling" that we received. When my maternity nurse called to check that I had all of my paperwork filled our correctly for the NT scan last Friday I told her what had happened. She was horrified that such a thing had gone on. I am currently waiting for the Patient representative, or advocate or whatever her title is to call me back about what happened. The more I thought about it, the more horrified and angry I became. Until it got to the point that I couldn't not do something. So i will keep you all updated on what becomes of that.
Other than that, like I said, nephew number 1 is with us this week. This mostly involves he and my husband playing video games while I nap. He's taking a camp on lego robotics where you build a robot out of lego and program it to perform certain tasks. Yesterday was the first day and he really seemed to enjoy it. And it's good practice for us... well... good practice for my husband... I don't need any practice at napping.
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Friday, 5 July 2013
NT Scan Today!
Today is the day. The scary test and test results and also another opportunity to see our beautiful bundle of joy. We are so excited... and nervous. The test is at 3pm today. My whole family is waiting for a picture of Shmily. My parents, who have had the same aging flip-phone for 8 years actually went out and upgraded to a iPhone so that they could receive a picture of their newest grandbaby. They will be at a party this evening with my father's family and if everything is ok we have given permission for them to spread the news.
So, keep your fingers and toes and eyes crossed for me today, and for Shmily, if you pray, feel free to add us to your list. I am hoping that our baby will be in there still, dancing away, perfectly safe and happy after all these months, and that s/he will have a beautiful, slim neck.
After today we can safely move out of the terror of miscarriages that is the 1st trimester and into the second trimester knowing we have a beautiful healthy baby.
So, keep your fingers and toes and eyes crossed for me today, and for Shmily, if you pray, feel free to add us to your list. I am hoping that our baby will be in there still, dancing away, perfectly safe and happy after all these months, and that s/he will have a beautiful, slim neck.
After today we can safely move out of the terror of miscarriages that is the 1st trimester and into the second trimester knowing we have a beautiful healthy baby.
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
Genetics Counseling
So last Friday my hubby and I made our way into the bowels of the city for a VERY early morning appointment due to my ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE. I feel like this sentence should be read in a deep foreboding voice and filled with reverb.
Can I tell you, it was horrible?
First, there was the requisite cheesy, outdated movie with outfits that were cheesy and outdated in the 80's. The entire room burst into laughter at the awful cheesy dialogue and poor acting. Then there was the over simplified genetics discussion... at least it was oversimplified for someone who has worked in molecular genetics for years. I imagine that there are many people who don't know what a gene is... but I was annoyed that I had gotten out of bed for that.
Then we met with a genetics counselor, she was fine, asked some vague questions about ethnicity and disability diagnoses in our family and then turned us over tosatan the doctor.
The man was horrible. I was so angry by the end of the appointment that I couldn't see straight. It has taken me days to calm down and even still I am feeling my blood pressure ramp up again as I try to write about it. This was his advice:
"You should have the amniocentesis done. You might not appreciate this, but life as you know it will be over, forever, if you have a retarded child. And then, if you go on and have other children their lives will be ruined by this retarded child too. There are risks of course. At our hospital we have a very low risk of miscarriage for an amniocentesis 1/900. Now suppose that we establish you as having a 1/300 chance of having a child with down syndrome. That means that if we take 900 women with a 1/300 risk we will find 3 children with down syndrome and terminate those pregnancies and we will only cause a miscarriage to one healthy baby. I know, I know, you think that will be bad if you are the one woman with the miscarriage to the healthy baby, but it won't be so bad if it happens to you. You will be back here in 6 months pregnant again."
This was spewed at us as one entire sentence. There was no counseling, we were told that we need to abort a child who had a developmental delay, that they would ruin everything if we didn't. And a complete disregard for the fact that, no, it took us a long time to get this far in pregnancy. There was no guarantee we would just be able to ever get pregnant again. And how dare he disregard a child with a disability as someone who would destroy my life. As I said my husband later "our life as we know it will be over when this child comes regardless of if it has disabilities or not".
I am angry, furious, that this is the level of advice that we are given. No real insight into what the risk profile might look like for someone of my age, the point at while they would recommend having additional testing done, and no information to a family on what support they might have or choices they could make in the event of a diagnosis of a chromosomal abnormality. This was from a government paid specialist. A foregone conclusion that we would abort.
Then he tells us an anecdote as a parting shot. "When I was still in Israel I was talking to this bedouin woman and explaining to her how horrible it would be to have a child like this. And I figured she didn't understand because she just kept nodding. Finally, she said to me, 'that is the child I want. We have some children like this in our community. They are filled with love, they do as they are told, they cause no trouble, this is the perfect child'. " He shakes his head with wonder and says "The things these primitive people think are important".
The benefit of this day is that it seemed to arouse a protectiveness in my husband for his unborn child. "Maybe we shouldn't even do the testing", he says on the drive home. "I don't want to risk losing Shmily. We're a family. No matter what."
Can I tell you, it was horrible?
First, there was the requisite cheesy, outdated movie with outfits that were cheesy and outdated in the 80's. The entire room burst into laughter at the awful cheesy dialogue and poor acting. Then there was the over simplified genetics discussion... at least it was oversimplified for someone who has worked in molecular genetics for years. I imagine that there are many people who don't know what a gene is... but I was annoyed that I had gotten out of bed for that.
Then we met with a genetics counselor, she was fine, asked some vague questions about ethnicity and disability diagnoses in our family and then turned us over to
The man was horrible. I was so angry by the end of the appointment that I couldn't see straight. It has taken me days to calm down and even still I am feeling my blood pressure ramp up again as I try to write about it. This was his advice:
"You should have the amniocentesis done. You might not appreciate this, but life as you know it will be over, forever, if you have a retarded child. And then, if you go on and have other children their lives will be ruined by this retarded child too. There are risks of course. At our hospital we have a very low risk of miscarriage for an amniocentesis 1/900. Now suppose that we establish you as having a 1/300 chance of having a child with down syndrome. That means that if we take 900 women with a 1/300 risk we will find 3 children with down syndrome and terminate those pregnancies and we will only cause a miscarriage to one healthy baby. I know, I know, you think that will be bad if you are the one woman with the miscarriage to the healthy baby, but it won't be so bad if it happens to you. You will be back here in 6 months pregnant again."
This was spewed at us as one entire sentence. There was no counseling, we were told that we need to abort a child who had a developmental delay, that they would ruin everything if we didn't. And a complete disregard for the fact that, no, it took us a long time to get this far in pregnancy. There was no guarantee we would just be able to ever get pregnant again. And how dare he disregard a child with a disability as someone who would destroy my life. As I said my husband later "our life as we know it will be over when this child comes regardless of if it has disabilities or not".
I am angry, furious, that this is the level of advice that we are given. No real insight into what the risk profile might look like for someone of my age, the point at while they would recommend having additional testing done, and no information to a family on what support they might have or choices they could make in the event of a diagnosis of a chromosomal abnormality. This was from a government paid specialist. A foregone conclusion that we would abort.
Then he tells us an anecdote as a parting shot. "When I was still in Israel I was talking to this bedouin woman and explaining to her how horrible it would be to have a child like this. And I figured she didn't understand because she just kept nodding. Finally, she said to me, 'that is the child I want. We have some children like this in our community. They are filled with love, they do as they are told, they cause no trouble, this is the perfect child'. " He shakes his head with wonder and says "The things these primitive people think are important".
The benefit of this day is that it seemed to arouse a protectiveness in my husband for his unborn child. "Maybe we shouldn't even do the testing", he says on the drive home. "I don't want to risk losing Shmily. We're a family. No matter what."
Thursday, 27 June 2013
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
It was no surprise to me of course when we got pregnant. I have always known the statistics on an increase in birth defects, miscarriages and chromosomal abnormalities for an older mom. I am not super scared about it, because i know the statistics are still in our favour. Tomorrow we are attending a Late Maternal Age counseling session.
At the moment I am not sure we need it, but at the time that I was first asked if we wanted to go I was certain we did. See, the night before my very first doctor's appointment my husband and I had a fight. A big fight. Biggest of our marriage. A bad fight. A fight that shook me to my core and made me question the choices that I had made in marrying this man. He told me that if something was "wrong" with our baby he would probably leave.
I was so angry with him. How could he tell me this? I remember hearing the "worst", "poorer" and "sickness" words in our marriage vows, and he agreed to it all. He knew in advance, I hadn't sprung that part on him. But here he was telling me that he couldn't take it if we were to face that.
I was furious. "You don't get to issue ultimatums to me. We have no information. This is a decision that we make together about whether not to continue or end a pregnancy. Not something that you say to me as though any choice I make results in your leaving. You chose to make this child. You knew the risks."
Since this time my husband has come around. He has since told me "no abortions for us".
Our family knows the impact that a severely disabled child has on a family first hand. I have two beautiful nephews. They are both special needs. One is super bright, high functioning, ADHD, asking me about my lady parts kind of kid, my other nephew is a beautiful, laughing, smiling, wheelchair riding kind of kid. They are both adored.
The youngest of my two nephews is highly disabled. He will be 7 in August and cannot walk or crawl (although he can roll his way around a house pretty fast), he can't feed himself, he uses a diaper, he can't talk much although we recognize when he says a few names. He is also highly loved. There isn't a single part of my body that doesn't love that little boy. He has the best giggle in the world and I love to make him laugh. I fell in love with him the second I first saw him. We didn't learn about any developmental delays for months. Even if we had known it wouldn't have changed anything.
My brother and his wife are AMAZING. I can't say it enough. They will fight tooth and nail for that boy. They ensure that he has everything that he needs. They make sacrifices and save for a future where they won't be able to care for him themselves. They make sure he will always have everything he needs. And they make sure that his older brother is a part of his life. That he learns to love and accept and defend his little brother. There were times when it was hard. When my older nephew despaired of his younger brother ever "not being a baby". But now he knows. His little brother is special... and it will be his job to make sure that no one every hurts that special boy.
My husband on the other hand met my nephew as a highly disabled 5 year old. While he is quite charmed by the 9 year old, and likes to share tips on video games with him, he doesn't quite know how to relate to the younger boy. He won't hold him, or hug him or play with him.
I have always been determined not to force this relationship. But I do want to see it flourish. I want my husband to love this wonderful boy who has a special gift for teaching us about ourselves.
All these things go on in my head constantly. We have out NT test next Friday and I am terrified of the results. But it isn't just about having a disabled child. I know I could love that child. But I don't know that it won't make my marriage crumble. It is amazing to watch my brother and sister-in-law support each other and make it work. But that's so hard. And even though my hubby has realized that he can't issue a dictate like that I don't know how he will cope in practice.
And I am scared of my own weaknesses. My inability to be as strong as you have to be to fight every day for that child. My inability to provide financially for that child as well as my brother can. My older nephew will always be there to provide for his little brother, but who would look after our child when we are gone if they can't look after themselves?
At the moment I am not sure we need it, but at the time that I was first asked if we wanted to go I was certain we did. See, the night before my very first doctor's appointment my husband and I had a fight. A big fight. Biggest of our marriage. A bad fight. A fight that shook me to my core and made me question the choices that I had made in marrying this man. He told me that if something was "wrong" with our baby he would probably leave.
I was so angry with him. How could he tell me this? I remember hearing the "worst", "poorer" and "sickness" words in our marriage vows, and he agreed to it all. He knew in advance, I hadn't sprung that part on him. But here he was telling me that he couldn't take it if we were to face that.
I was furious. "You don't get to issue ultimatums to me. We have no information. This is a decision that we make together about whether not to continue or end a pregnancy. Not something that you say to me as though any choice I make results in your leaving. You chose to make this child. You knew the risks."
Since this time my husband has come around. He has since told me "no abortions for us".
Our family knows the impact that a severely disabled child has on a family first hand. I have two beautiful nephews. They are both special needs. One is super bright, high functioning, ADHD, asking me about my lady parts kind of kid, my other nephew is a beautiful, laughing, smiling, wheelchair riding kind of kid. They are both adored.
The youngest of my two nephews is highly disabled. He will be 7 in August and cannot walk or crawl (although he can roll his way around a house pretty fast), he can't feed himself, he uses a diaper, he can't talk much although we recognize when he says a few names. He is also highly loved. There isn't a single part of my body that doesn't love that little boy. He has the best giggle in the world and I love to make him laugh. I fell in love with him the second I first saw him. We didn't learn about any developmental delays for months. Even if we had known it wouldn't have changed anything.
My brother and his wife are AMAZING. I can't say it enough. They will fight tooth and nail for that boy. They ensure that he has everything that he needs. They make sacrifices and save for a future where they won't be able to care for him themselves. They make sure he will always have everything he needs. And they make sure that his older brother is a part of his life. That he learns to love and accept and defend his little brother. There were times when it was hard. When my older nephew despaired of his younger brother ever "not being a baby". But now he knows. His little brother is special... and it will be his job to make sure that no one every hurts that special boy.
My husband on the other hand met my nephew as a highly disabled 5 year old. While he is quite charmed by the 9 year old, and likes to share tips on video games with him, he doesn't quite know how to relate to the younger boy. He won't hold him, or hug him or play with him.
I have always been determined not to force this relationship. But I do want to see it flourish. I want my husband to love this wonderful boy who has a special gift for teaching us about ourselves.
All these things go on in my head constantly. We have out NT test next Friday and I am terrified of the results. But it isn't just about having a disabled child. I know I could love that child. But I don't know that it won't make my marriage crumble. It is amazing to watch my brother and sister-in-law support each other and make it work. But that's so hard. And even though my hubby has realized that he can't issue a dictate like that I don't know how he will cope in practice.
And I am scared of my own weaknesses. My inability to be as strong as you have to be to fight every day for that child. My inability to provide financially for that child as well as my brother can. My older nephew will always be there to provide for his little brother, but who would look after our child when we are gone if they can't look after themselves?
Wednesday, 26 June 2013
The Reveal: My In Laws
I don't know why I have been so hesitant to write this reveal. I guess it is probably because for me, in so many ways, it was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever done. I wasn't/still aren't ready to share my news with my husbands family, but it had to be done for my husbands sake.
I've talked a little about this before but for the sake of this blog i want to recap a little bit why i am so uncomfortable. I do love my husbands family, they are wonderful and kind and loving people. But, they are so different from my family. They do what my Grandfather used to call "loving loudly" meaning they fight and scream at each other. It doesn't really mean anything, doesn't mean they are pissed off, just that they disagree. My family is not like this. My brother pisses me off on a regular basis... I complain about him behind his back to my mother. That is the nice normal way of doing these things. :D
I agree there are advantages to the more forthright communication, but it is something I am still adapting to. My husbands cousin got married in November of 2011. Within 2 months they were pregnant. While I was struggling to conceive the first time his wife said to me "You just need to relax. We did. This little bundle (she pauses here and strokes her rounding belly) was conceived because we just relaxed and drank a bottle of wine". This was the moment that I stopped confiding in her. It was the moment that in my head I screamed "It doesn't help to give that advice after months and months and months of trying. We were relaxed the first couple of months." Because I grew up in a family that doesn't tell you things to your face like this I smiled politely and cried on the way home.
The day I found out that I was losing the baby we had dinner with her and another pregnant wife of a cousin-in-law (I swear these people are more like SILs to me) I had to do all the dishes because they were pregnant. The week that she gave birth was as I was still going through the miscarriage. (I get the impression from many women that their miscarriages last 1 really bad day. Mine occurred over 5 weeks. I don't know what actual day it happened. I suspect with better medical care (I have since changed doctor's) i would have been given a D'n'C. But I could detect hcg in my urine for months.) I visited her in the hospital. I brought gifts. I held her freshly baked baby, all cute and snuggly. I held back my tears until we got back in the hallway. I cried for 4 days straight.
Then things went from bad to worse. Now the pressure was on. My husband and I had been married for months. Where was the announcement. Every week if I declined scotch the jokes would start "Oh! She's pregnant" and if I didn't decline it "OMG! You are drinking when you are pregnant? You are going to make a terrible mother!" It was funny to them. It was never funny to me.
Every week I would say to my husband. "You need to get them to stop". But, he is like me. He avoids confrontation. By the next week he had put it off until the jokes started again. I began to roll my eyes at them. Make sarcastic comments like "Yeah, that's really funny", and sometimes flat out say "Not funny". Did I say stop? I think I did. But i can't remember how clearly. But I also think that pregnancy is one of those things, if they aren't telling, you don't ask. A couple who doesn't have children either is trying or doesn't want to try. Either way, it's no one else's business.
Then came the day when I couldn't take the teasing. It kept going. "Not funny". I said the first time.
"I think you should stop that", I said the second time.
The third time I unleashed a torrent of anger upon them that ensured the topic was never brought up again. "Stop it. It isn't funny. It hurts and it's hard." I was crying and hysterical and I don't know what all i said to them. Needless to say the dinner was quiet after that.
In the week that followed my husband was sent multiple apologies. I was sent advice and recommendations. "We went to see a naturopath both times and got pregnant right away," came one unsolicited recommendation. I wrote back "It is staying pregnant that has been hard so far". I was angry and upset that these people had been so pushy and unkind to me even though i knew it was because they meant well and that is just what they are like. It was a few weeks before I returned to family meals.
Because of this I wasn't prepared to share with them the news of our baby. The evil side of me wanted to wait until they asked... especially if it was at 8 or 9 months... i figured I had been strong enough that they wouldn't dare. So, the last few months as I have been declining scotch no one has commented. When my husband finished (drank) my wine at shabbat it was done fairly discretely... if they noticed no one said.
Last friday as everyone gathered we gave my MIL a "Memories for my grandchild", attached to it was a piece of paper underneath that said "Due Jan 2014". The amount of time it took her to figure it out was PAINFUL and i got the sense that no one wanted to be the first to say anything. When they did I was smothered in love... not the loud kind... the normal, kind, hugs and kisses and Beshaah Tovah wishes (Do NOT SAY MAZEL TOV to a pregnant woman... you say Beshaah Tovah which means "All in good time" or "At a good time" or "In God's time).
Of course they were happy for us. I never doubted that they would be. My Aunt-in-law told us she had been praying for us every night. The pregnant wife of the cousin (seriously... can i just call her a sister-in-law?) who had the baby last October... she wouldn't let go... she was so glad that this was happening for us. My MIL hugged me and told me she was glad that she was going to be a grandmother.
They all were over the moon with happiness.... but still... i am not quite ready for them to know. I think it is because I HAD to tell them about the last miscarriage, in the most painful of ways I am reluctant to reveal any information about this one until we know without a doubt that s/he is going to be ok... even if that means not until week 42 of this pregnancy. I know that isn't reasonable... but it is how I feel. Please don't ask the pregnant lady to be logical or rational.
I did think it was strange that not one of them asked me how I felt, how the pregnancy was going or if everything was ok. It is usually the first thing that everyone asks. I don't know if this is a difference in my family, or if it is more of the same idea that you don't wish for congratulations because the baby isn't here yet.
I've talked a little about this before but for the sake of this blog i want to recap a little bit why i am so uncomfortable. I do love my husbands family, they are wonderful and kind and loving people. But, they are so different from my family. They do what my Grandfather used to call "loving loudly" meaning they fight and scream at each other. It doesn't really mean anything, doesn't mean they are pissed off, just that they disagree. My family is not like this. My brother pisses me off on a regular basis... I complain about him behind his back to my mother. That is the nice normal way of doing these things. :D
I agree there are advantages to the more forthright communication, but it is something I am still adapting to. My husbands cousin got married in November of 2011. Within 2 months they were pregnant. While I was struggling to conceive the first time his wife said to me "You just need to relax. We did. This little bundle (she pauses here and strokes her rounding belly) was conceived because we just relaxed and drank a bottle of wine". This was the moment that I stopped confiding in her. It was the moment that in my head I screamed "It doesn't help to give that advice after months and months and months of trying. We were relaxed the first couple of months." Because I grew up in a family that doesn't tell you things to your face like this I smiled politely and cried on the way home.
The day I found out that I was losing the baby we had dinner with her and another pregnant wife of a cousin-in-law (I swear these people are more like SILs to me) I had to do all the dishes because they were pregnant. The week that she gave birth was as I was still going through the miscarriage. (I get the impression from many women that their miscarriages last 1 really bad day. Mine occurred over 5 weeks. I don't know what actual day it happened. I suspect with better medical care (I have since changed doctor's) i would have been given a D'n'C. But I could detect hcg in my urine for months.) I visited her in the hospital. I brought gifts. I held her freshly baked baby, all cute and snuggly. I held back my tears until we got back in the hallway. I cried for 4 days straight.
Then things went from bad to worse. Now the pressure was on. My husband and I had been married for months. Where was the announcement. Every week if I declined scotch the jokes would start "Oh! She's pregnant" and if I didn't decline it "OMG! You are drinking when you are pregnant? You are going to make a terrible mother!" It was funny to them. It was never funny to me.
Every week I would say to my husband. "You need to get them to stop". But, he is like me. He avoids confrontation. By the next week he had put it off until the jokes started again. I began to roll my eyes at them. Make sarcastic comments like "Yeah, that's really funny", and sometimes flat out say "Not funny". Did I say stop? I think I did. But i can't remember how clearly. But I also think that pregnancy is one of those things, if they aren't telling, you don't ask. A couple who doesn't have children either is trying or doesn't want to try. Either way, it's no one else's business.
Then came the day when I couldn't take the teasing. It kept going. "Not funny". I said the first time.
"I think you should stop that", I said the second time.
The third time I unleashed a torrent of anger upon them that ensured the topic was never brought up again. "Stop it. It isn't funny. It hurts and it's hard." I was crying and hysterical and I don't know what all i said to them. Needless to say the dinner was quiet after that.
In the week that followed my husband was sent multiple apologies. I was sent advice and recommendations. "We went to see a naturopath both times and got pregnant right away," came one unsolicited recommendation. I wrote back "It is staying pregnant that has been hard so far". I was angry and upset that these people had been so pushy and unkind to me even though i knew it was because they meant well and that is just what they are like. It was a few weeks before I returned to family meals.
Because of this I wasn't prepared to share with them the news of our baby. The evil side of me wanted to wait until they asked... especially if it was at 8 or 9 months... i figured I had been strong enough that they wouldn't dare. So, the last few months as I have been declining scotch no one has commented. When my husband finished (drank) my wine at shabbat it was done fairly discretely... if they noticed no one said.
Last friday as everyone gathered we gave my MIL a "Memories for my grandchild", attached to it was a piece of paper underneath that said "Due Jan 2014". The amount of time it took her to figure it out was PAINFUL and i got the sense that no one wanted to be the first to say anything. When they did I was smothered in love... not the loud kind... the normal, kind, hugs and kisses and Beshaah Tovah wishes (Do NOT SAY MAZEL TOV to a pregnant woman... you say Beshaah Tovah which means "All in good time" or "At a good time" or "In God's time).
Of course they were happy for us. I never doubted that they would be. My Aunt-in-law told us she had been praying for us every night. The pregnant wife of the cousin (seriously... can i just call her a sister-in-law?) who had the baby last October... she wouldn't let go... she was so glad that this was happening for us. My MIL hugged me and told me she was glad that she was going to be a grandmother.
They all were over the moon with happiness.... but still... i am not quite ready for them to know. I think it is because I HAD to tell them about the last miscarriage, in the most painful of ways I am reluctant to reveal any information about this one until we know without a doubt that s/he is going to be ok... even if that means not until week 42 of this pregnancy. I know that isn't reasonable... but it is how I feel. Please don't ask the pregnant lady to be logical or rational.
I did think it was strange that not one of them asked me how I felt, how the pregnancy was going or if everything was ok. It is usually the first thing that everyone asks. I don't know if this is a difference in my family, or if it is more of the same idea that you don't wish for congratulations because the baby isn't here yet.
Monday, 24 June 2013
The Reveal: My Father in Law
Revealing my pregnancy to my father-in-law was it's own kind of awkward. This is a man I have never met, and with whom I can not speak because we don't share a common language. Still, this is the man who cared for my husband as a small boy and who stayed with him when his mother pulled up stakes and left.
We started out by trying to call my FIL on Sunday morning. Five different times my husband tried to call Romania and kept being told that the number could not be put through. He decided, finally in desperation to call his half-brother and make sure the number was working. My husband spent the next 5 minutes conversing with his brother, I could make out that they were verifying numbers and that my husband did indeed have the right number... I also managed to understand that using Skype wasn't possible... and that my husband hadn't shared the news yet with his brother. When he finally did, he did so in english (which both brothers speak well) and so i was able to join in the conversation. It turns out that the step-mother is out of the city and my FIL is apparently unable to operate Skype, or really the computer at all, without her. The brother told us he would call the father and ask him to call us, and promised not to reveal the reason why. He told us he was very happy to see us in just 6 weeks now!
We waited by the phone for a while but FIL didn't call until we had made our way across town to a birthday party for a very cute 1 year old boy. It is so different now being at these parties with small children everywhere and deciding what sort of parents we are likely to be (my guess is very protective). When my FIL called my husband went to the foyer and began to speak quickly in Romanian. I joined him and listened in unable to understand anything. When he was finally done he looked at me with tears in his eyes. You could tell he had his father's approval and that it meant a lot. He said "This is from my father" and kissed me tenderly on the cheek. "He also says 'easy pregnancy, easy delivery, and don't stop!' ". We laughed and then my husband held me and whispered in my ear "He also says that even from this distance he can tell how much joy you have brought into my life. He says he is very glad that you are his daughter."
I am looking forward to meeting my father in law, although disappointed I will not be able to communicate with him directly. I expect to see a lot of my wonderful husband in this man.
We started out by trying to call my FIL on Sunday morning. Five different times my husband tried to call Romania and kept being told that the number could not be put through. He decided, finally in desperation to call his half-brother and make sure the number was working. My husband spent the next 5 minutes conversing with his brother, I could make out that they were verifying numbers and that my husband did indeed have the right number... I also managed to understand that using Skype wasn't possible... and that my husband hadn't shared the news yet with his brother. When he finally did, he did so in english (which both brothers speak well) and so i was able to join in the conversation. It turns out that the step-mother is out of the city and my FIL is apparently unable to operate Skype, or really the computer at all, without her. The brother told us he would call the father and ask him to call us, and promised not to reveal the reason why. He told us he was very happy to see us in just 6 weeks now!
We waited by the phone for a while but FIL didn't call until we had made our way across town to a birthday party for a very cute 1 year old boy. It is so different now being at these parties with small children everywhere and deciding what sort of parents we are likely to be (my guess is very protective). When my FIL called my husband went to the foyer and began to speak quickly in Romanian. I joined him and listened in unable to understand anything. When he was finally done he looked at me with tears in his eyes. You could tell he had his father's approval and that it meant a lot. He said "This is from my father" and kissed me tenderly on the cheek. "He also says 'easy pregnancy, easy delivery, and don't stop!' ". We laughed and then my husband held me and whispered in my ear "He also says that even from this distance he can tell how much joy you have brought into my life. He says he is very glad that you are his daughter."
I am looking forward to meeting my father in law, although disappointed I will not be able to communicate with him directly. I expect to see a lot of my wonderful husband in this man.
Sunday, 23 June 2013
The Reveal: My family
I have to say that my beloved oldest nephew did not disappoint. This weekend we finally told our families that we were expecting to have to add another table to the family gatherings, and of course everyone was thrilled. But my oldest nephew... he gave us the best reaction... and then the worst.
We decided we had to come up with new way to reveal to my family that we were expecting a baby. We had told my parents the weekend before, but now my brother, sister, sister-in-law and nephews needed to be let in on the secret. We decided to give the oldest nephew, who will be turning ten in January the following:
On a 10th birthday card we wrote the message: "Ok, you aren't actually 10 yet, but it is such an important birthday that we decided to give you a hint of the gift that is coming"
Then he opened a gift that had a bottle inside with a note tucked in that say "A new cousin". It took him a minute... but when he processed it the the eyes popped open, the jaw fell to the floor and he started yelling in joy. My sister was shooting me daggers "You already know what you are getting him for his birthday?" Then she found out what the note said. There were tears. Everyone was happy. (Obviously).
Then it started to get awkward. "I can be there when you have the baby?" my nephew asks. "For two reasons, I want to meet the baby and I want to see a lady's private parts".
ewww...
"uh... you can come and visit us in the hospital but no, having a baby is a private moment."
"How long have you guys been doing it". Comes his next question.
My sister-in-law jumps in "since they got married last year." My husband starts sniggering in the chair next to me.
"But then how come you are only 11 weeks pregnant," comes the next awkward question.
"Because you can't get pregnant the first time," his flustered mother tries to stem the flow of questions.
"Uh... I don't think you should tell him that! That's the way to become a really young grandmother."
My sister-in-law looks at me stricken, "I don't really know why I said that."
I think this is how bad sex ed and teenage pregnancies get started!
So, my nephew is very, very happy. He wanted to tell all of his friends and immediately started trying to speak to my belly button. My sister is thrilled. She can't wait to become an aunt... again. I wonder how we will make next weekend as much fun.
We decided we had to come up with new way to reveal to my family that we were expecting a baby. We had told my parents the weekend before, but now my brother, sister, sister-in-law and nephews needed to be let in on the secret. We decided to give the oldest nephew, who will be turning ten in January the following:
On a 10th birthday card we wrote the message: "Ok, you aren't actually 10 yet, but it is such an important birthday that we decided to give you a hint of the gift that is coming"
Then he opened a gift that had a bottle inside with a note tucked in that say "A new cousin". It took him a minute... but when he processed it the the eyes popped open, the jaw fell to the floor and he started yelling in joy. My sister was shooting me daggers "You already know what you are getting him for his birthday?" Then she found out what the note said. There were tears. Everyone was happy. (Obviously).
Then it started to get awkward. "I can be there when you have the baby?" my nephew asks. "For two reasons, I want to meet the baby and I want to see a lady's private parts".
ewww...
"uh... you can come and visit us in the hospital but no, having a baby is a private moment."
"How long have you guys been doing it". Comes his next question.
My sister-in-law jumps in "since they got married last year." My husband starts sniggering in the chair next to me.
"But then how come you are only 11 weeks pregnant," comes the next awkward question.
"Because you can't get pregnant the first time," his flustered mother tries to stem the flow of questions.
"Uh... I don't think you should tell him that! That's the way to become a really young grandmother."
My sister-in-law looks at me stricken, "I don't really know why I said that."
I think this is how bad sex ed and teenage pregnancies get started!
So, my nephew is very, very happy. He wanted to tell all of his friends and immediately started trying to speak to my belly button. My sister is thrilled. She can't wait to become an aunt... again. I wonder how we will make next weekend as much fun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)