Survived

Yesterday was all about survival.  Making it through the day without breaking down.  Making it through the day without losing control.  Making it through the day.

For the most part I managed. 

My sister and I attended a movie as part of the Toronto Hot Docs film festival.  This is a fabulous festival for anyone who likes documentaries.  We went to see a film called Rent a Family Inc. which tells the story of a Japanese man who rents himself out as a stand-in father, uncle or husband to people who need a family for some reason.  One woman rented him to give her and her boyfriend permission to live together before marriage so she didn't have to tell her own father that she was doing this.  It's a fascinating film.  But it still begs the question how do you break that to your partner one day.  Surely he will realize that the man granting him permission to bed his daughter is different than the one he meets to wed the daughter.  Another woman rented 32 guests for her wedding.  She had no family and no friends of her own.  It was interesting, and most importantly distracting. 

We had brunch, we went to the movie and then we went for ice cream.  My strength cracked while we were out for a moment.  My sister mentioned something about children, about losing a baby, she was about to talk about a friend of hers, someone who had had a loss and how tragic it had been for them.  I've heard the story before, and my sister, perhaps because of a strong sense of empathy will take on the pain and suffering of her friends as though the tragedy was her own. 

I had confided to my sister in December about my miscarriage but it was clear she had forgotten my story.  So I said, "Today would have been my due date."  I needed to stop the barrage of someone else's tale of woe.

She looked sort of surprised and then you could see the pieces click in her brain.

"Right.  Sorry babe.  That must have sucked."

"It did."

She doesn't acknowledge anything else.  The topic shifts, probably because she feels so uncomfortable.  She begins to discuss vacuums in the store we are walking by. 

I regain my composure it is clear that my sister isn't prepared to be my confidant on this day.  She isn't prepared to hear the tough and the nitty gritty side of my loss.  She just wants ice cream.